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"Words that come from the heart, enter the heart."
~ Moses ben Ezra
In part one, we likened the emotional life of a married couple to a "dance" -- ideally with a husband leading his wife, moving with her in unison around the floor.
Life, however, at most of our houses is far from ideal. When conflict happens or when emotional needs arise, the dance changes. The embrace breaks, and partners tend to change their position relative to one another. One might step back while the other stays; one might step back while the other steps forward (to decrease the distance); or both might back away from each other. Lots of possibilities. Every marriage is unique.
"And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." ~ Genesis 2:25
In part one, we also talked about a wife's primary need to be emotionally-connected to her husband. Many husbands today seem to be passing up on the opportunity to meet that need, thereby missing out on one of the most satisfying aspects of marriage. Leading in this dance means learning how to be emotionally open and available whenever the music starts.
So, what's the problem? If marriage was designed to be the most intimate of human relationships (spiritually, emotionally, sexually), and if husbands and wives were created to be capable of deep and meaningful connection, then what's the problem? Why are so many husbands and wives feeling lonely in their marriages, and living more like roommates than soul mates?
"I'm good."
One reason is that we just don't go deep enough. As men, we're often comfortable living in the "land of clichés". "Fine" and "good" reveal absolutely nothing of our inner life, so they're okay at the office, but they're best left at the curb when we get home. Instead, we need to learn how to express what we're really feeling with a mate who wants and needs to know.
Some of us venture one or two steps deeper, expressing facts or even opinions, but marriage demands more depth if we are to appropriate the oneness intended by a loving God. For many men, that means learning to express feelings in a constructive way, while listening with gentleness, patience and sensitivity when our mate is the one who needs to do the expressing.
"And he said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
~ Genesis 3:10
A second reason is that we just don't feel safe or secure. People don't get naked when they don't feel safe. People don't get transparent when they feel insecure.
Home-based dance lessons might have something to do with that. Childhood homes are greenhouses for development. When the home (ie. the marriage) is healthy, children thrive. When it's not, the home becomes a prep school for unhealthy future relationships.
Kids growing up in homes marked by parental alcoholism, divorce or some variety of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) are known to have more difficulty expressing feelings later on as adults. What helps us to survive as children can work against us later on when we try to build marital intimacy, and dance more closely with our mates.
"Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons."
~ Genesis 3:7
A third reason is that men have been taught to hide their true feelings. With the exception of explosive anger, we live in a society that teaches my gender to keep the emotional stuff inside. Movies, advertising and television infer that vulnerability and emotional honesty are signs of weakness or effeminacy.
"Jesus wept." ~ John 11:35
It's a lie. Hiding genuine feelings from our life partner and soul mate, is like covering our hearts with fig leaves and aprons.
Reason number four: our feelings aren't affirmed. Let's say you're ready to take the first step -- to risk sharing your heart with your mate. You tell your spouse that you're feeling rejected and disappointed -- emotionally devastated actually, because you were passed over for a promised promotion at work. If your spouse responds by telling you that you shouldn't feel that way or to "just get over it", how eager will you be to share next time?
Feelings that have been entrusted to us just need to be received, not questioned or defended or invalidated or minimized. Just received.
"The heart is always involved with wishing, wanting, longing, possessing, holding, losing. That's the landscape of the heart ... it's important that the real feelings in society and the life of the heart be affirmed."
~ Leonard Cohen
So, these are just four of many obstacles that impede emotional connection with our life partners -- four dances of varying seriousness that need to be unlearned, or from which we need to heal. All of us are capable of so much more in our marriages, especially when we are more connected with its designer.
Social dance pioneer, Arthur Murray (1895-1991), would be the first to admit that every school of dance isn't equally legitimate. Some of us grew up thinking we learned the right steps at home, but found out later, when relationships failed, that it was the rumble and not the rumba we'd learned. That was my situation.
In "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing", part III, we'll talk about moving beyond obstacles to some new "steps" husbands and wives can take to become better connected.
Three things to keep in mind ...
1. Sharing your heart is a requirement in a God-honouring marriage.
2. A husband is the key to the emotional climate in the home.
3. Learning new dance steps follows hope and healing.
One thing to think about and discuss ...
What is one thing that has been holding you back in connecting more deeply and fully with your husband or wife?
Blessings on your home,
robert
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