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Greetings!
Earlier this year, our goal was to get our readers thinking more seriously about marital
commitment in, "What if something better comes along?". "Burning Ships" is the second part of that article, highlighting two varieties of commitment.
By-the-way,
for anyone making a tax-deductable donation of $25 or more this month,
we'll send you a copy of Scott Stanley's "The Power of Commitment" or Paul Stevens' "Married for Good". Your choice. How's that for an incentive?
Love,
Robert & Melissa |
Burning Ships
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"I'm gonna stick to you baby" ~ Lazy Lester
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast/cling/stick to his wife ..." ~ Genesis 2:24b
Stickiness isn't desirable in life when our clothing suffers from static cling, when there's something previously chewed on the sole of our shoe, or when we get super glue on our fingers. Some sweet things are sticky, like honey or icing on the summit of my cherished cinnamon roll. Websites are described as sticky when they attract and engage visitors, encouraging them to return.
Commitment is relational stickiness. It's a good thing, in spite of its tarnished reputation among single guys. Commitment is one of the four cornerstones of a healthy marriage. (I'd also include understanding, emotional intimacy and spiritual compatibility.) Commitment is so important to the mix that the growth of understanding and emotional intimacy vary according to the level of "stickiness" in the marriage. When the bond between a husband and wife is weak, mates don't pursue understanding, and they don't tend to take emotional risks with each other.
Since involving myself in marriage and family ministry, I've appreciated the work of Scott Stanley at the University of Denver. He shares the same worldview as most of our readers, and he and his team of colleagues do great research. Stanley speaks of two varieties of "sticking to your baby": dedication commitment and constraint commitment.
"I don't have a perfect marriage, but I envision better days ahead."
Dedication commitment is a positive force that drives a couple forward in their relationship. It's what newly-married couples talk about when they come up for air. It's the devotion mature couples have for each other that's lived out in little ways every day. Character traits like perseverance come into it, as does the will to avoid temptations that could hurt the relationship. For couples who have a less than harmonious relationship, dedication commitment needs to be an act of faith, trusting that God's goodness is reason enough to obey the one who knows best what their relationships need.
"I'd leave Fred at the drop of a hat, if it weren't for the kids, and having to move somewhere else."
Constraint commitment, in Stanley's words, "refers to factors that would be costs if the present course were abandoned." It includes financial obligations, pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle, the shame of divorce, and pressure to "stick with it" from extended family.
Constraint commitment alone isn't a sufficient foundation for a relationship (as many who cohabitate eventually discover), but when it's added to ample amounts of dedication in a marriage, the bond gets nice and sticky.
Almost thirteen-hundred years ago this month, Islamic invader, Tariq bin Ziyad, ordered his men to burn the ships that had brought them across to Spain from North Africa. In an act copied by Cortez seven-hundred years later at Veracruz, Tariq declared: "We have not come here to return. Either we shall conquer and establish ourselves, or we will perish!"
In the counseling office, or when speaking to husbands and wives, I encourage couples to go home and "burn their ships". That doesn't mean torching whatever vehicles happen to be parked in the driveway. It means setting aside a special time for a special conversation.
Here's how it works: First, to eliminate distractions, put the kids to bed and turn off all devices that could interrupt, including your beloved smart phone! Sit close to each other and say something like: "[Pet name], I am committed to you for life, no matter what. I promise to never again threaten divorce, use the d-word, or even consider the concept, as it will never ever be a possibility for us. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to make our relationship a success for as long as it takes to do it. I am committed to you for life."
What effect do you think that statement could have on your husband or wife? On your marriage? For some of you, it might elicit laughter; for others, tears.
While burning ships might increase the ferocity of troops that have a history of conquering and converting through violence, our living room variety has an almost immediate effect of increasing trust and security -- two very necessary components of a healthy marriage. Of course, now you have to live up to your promise!
The ship-burning that happened off the coast of Spain in 711 A.D. was an extreme example of constraint commitment. The intimate conversation that could happen tonight in your home is a modest example of dedication commitment. But, it's a good starting point.
Let's go one step further. I sense we need to, as our culture seems more concerned with facilitating divorce than it is in strengthening marriage. Sadly, more and more churches and synagogues are adopting cultural positions on divorce and remarriage, softening biblical mandates.
Those of us who profess a biblical worldview need to dig in and work more purposefully on our marriages, because God isn't in the business of dissolving covenants. Through our own misbehaviour, we might violate a covenant, consequently missing out on some of its blessings, but our behaviour doesn't invalidate the covenant. Our actions simply underline a real need for healing, relational change and forgiveness.
This message is especially difficult for those searching for theologically-friendly modes of escape. There aren't any. After the wedding, there are no ships left in the harbour.
I'm not in the habit of repeating quotes used in previous articles, but there is wisdom and worth in what Dr. Paul Stevens has written in his good work, "Married for Good":
"North American society is committing marital suicide today. The most dangerous thing happening is not the breakdown of individual marriages, tragic as that is, but that people are entering marriage with the thought that they can leave it." ~ R. Paul Stevens
So, we would do well to focus on our responsibility to commit and recommit to our spouse, and strive to live lives that demonstrate that commitment. Begin by burning your ships.
While you're searching for matches, here are a few things to think about and discuss this month ...
1. If you grew up in a home marked by divorce, to what extent does that history inform your present view of commitment?
2. How conditional is your commitment to your marriage covenant? In other words, what (if anything) would your husband or wife need to do for you to "throw in the towel"?
3. If you see yourself as highly committed to your marriage, how would you describe your mix of devotion vs. constraint commitment?
4. To what extent does thinking of your marriage in terms of an unconditional covenant, rather than as a conditional legal arrangement, alter your perspective on commitment?
Blessings on your home,
rgp
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