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As Time Goes By
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Love does not consist in gazing at each other
but in looking together in the same direction.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I used to think I'd written the book on romance. By the time I hit my mid-thirties, I had it all figured out. I packed picnic baskets, composed poetry, cooked fancy meals, spent hours in greeting card shops, arranged flowers, lit fires, collected bronzes and vintage wines, preferred "chick-flicks" to blow-'em-ups, and I knew all the best city vantage points and restaurants.
To me, romance was not only a good thing -- it was the only thing.
Fast forward. These days, romance probably isn't at the top of everyone's list. Job uncertainty, lay-offs, financial stress, and tightened budgets have a way of dousing flames of romance.
I would like to suggest that through good times and bad, our marriages need regular injections of the fun, passionate and exciting aspects which marked its beginnings.
Rick: "Who are you really, and what were you before, and what did you do, and what did you think?"
Ilsa: "We said no questions."
Rick: "Here's looking at you, kid."
So, let me pose a very important question: What is the essence of true romance?
Is it a killer gift -- something good for the economy AND the relationship? A close friend recently said: "Dinner and jewelry works for me!
In our second year of marriage, I gave Melissa a "Bug Vacuum" -- a long, clear wand with a battery-powered, trigger-activated vacuum, so she could reach uninvited spiders even when standing in the next county. Since my mild-mannered wife hates spiders, I figured this'd be a knock-out gift. (Hint: I later discovered that love wasn't in buying the wand, but in me continuing to get the spiders!)
If I'd ever been asked for my opinion (which I wasn't), to name one element that contributes most to romance, I would have said without hesitation, "surprise". The element of surprise can make ordinary acts seem extraordinary, and can add to the excitement and mystery of love. Just think of the possibilities!
But, it doesn't always produce the desired results.
A YouTube video shows an ambitious young man proposing to his dream girl on the floor of a Houston Rockets basketball game at half-time. She was led to the center of the floor, as her suitor began proposing on one knee. Shocked, and obviously uncomfortable, she rejected the poor fellow in front of thousands of fans, and ran off the court. Someone handed the dejected young man a beer in an effort to console him. One can't help but feel sorry for someone so out of touch with a relationship, and so off the mark.
If the essence of true romance isn't simply a gift or the element of surprise, could it be atmosphere?
I'm drawn to places with nice ambiance. Given her family's appreciation for well-prepared food, and her interest in culinary arts, Melissa picks restaurants based upon how good the food is. I choose on the basis of ambiance.
One Valentines Day while at seminary, when money for childcare was really scarce, I secretly converted our bedroom into a café-style restaurant. During the late afternoon, while the kids distracted mom, I ran around like a maniac grabbing pieces of furniture, moving lamps, and hiding laundry in the closet. The location was perfect for all the reasons you can imagine, plus the fact that our kids were just down the hall safe and snugly in their beds. Thankfully, they stayed there!
To some of us, ambiance is important. To others, music is the primary element of romance.
Music has a way of moving us, and emotional movement is key to romance. Each one of us has a unique stash of songs that we associate with relationship milestones in our lives: melodies that bring smiles to our faces, and lyrics that make our hearts race.
Ilsa: "There's still nobody in the world who can play 'As Time Goes By' like Sam."
Rick: "He hasn't played it in a long time."
From the wandering poet-storytellers of the 13th century (who started all this romance stuff) to the hundreds of minstrels stuffed into our iPods, music zooms straight to our hearts.
No doubt music can be a key component of romance, but I'm thinking it might still be more than that. How about the heat of the pursuit? That was always my favourite part.
A few of you know I met Melissa on a cycling trip on the Oregon coast. It's a funny and colorful story that I don't have space for here, but it was a challenging pursuit for me. She was in better shape and I forgot to pack bike shorts. Melissa was living in Chicago and I was in Vancouver, BC. From the start, a long distance relationship made no sense whatsoever to Melissa. (It never dawned on me that it had to make sense!) To make a long story short, we wed three years after first meeting.
When Melissa and I get together with other couples, we enjoy hearing their stories of how they met.
Rick: "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world,
she walks into mine."
We make a point of asking both the husband and the wife, as there are often two very different perspectives on how they got together. These stories are family treasures and fun to share, even though they're bound to be embellished through the years.
There's no doubt about it -- killer gifts, the element of surprise, romantic atmosphere, music of the heart, and the thrill of the pursuit are all exciting elements of romance. But, where I once thought that's all there was, I now know I missed the heart of the matter.
I think the essence of true romance is captured best in this piece of Hebrew wisdom ...
Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer --
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
(Proverbs 5:15-19)
This beautiful passage is saturated with themes of fidelity, captivation and delight. I believe that the essence of true romance is being continually interested, satisfied and fascinated by the mate with whom God has gifted you. It's not just a dating thing. It's not just a honeymoon thing. It's not just an anniversary or a Valentine's thing. It's a continuous interest and fascination that increases with time as husbands and wives invest in each other, honouring God as they do so. That's the key I missed when I was younger. That's God's design.
Ilsa: "Kiss me ... kiss me as if it were for the last time."
Please email us. We would love to hear your thoughts on ...
ˇ what, if any, connections exist between romance and recession?
ˇ what is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?
ˇ what, in your opinion, is the essence of true romance?
Blessings on your home,
rgp
P.S. If you are wondering who Rick and Ilsa are, look just south of Rabat on the Moroccan coast for a clue. :o)
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