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Greetings!
Thanks to our readers who took time to email their comments on our last parenting article, "Dogs Can't Talk" (teaching children responsibility through consequences). Yes, the fire story is true.
In this issue we express some concerns about the state of marriage, and what it takes for husbands and wives to weather the worsening storms which marriage is now encountering.
Next month we'll complete the consequences parenting article, due your way on August 18th.
robert
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Imagine
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Forty years after its release, John Lennon's "Imagine" still gets a lot of play. It's an enduring piece whose lyrics envision a world where people, unencumbered by religion, political boundaries and possessions are free to live in perfect harmony after these nasty things are imagined away.
In a similarly Lennonesque way, I sometimes imagine what marriage would be like if it didn't require so much of husbands and wives -- so much time and attention and energy and creativity. Wouldn't it be nice if amazing relationships just happened?
In this imaginary world, husbands and wives would hang out, understand each other, and remain emotionally connected with no effort. Sex would always be honest, passionate and mutually-satisfying. Children would naturally pass along healthy relationship habits to their children.
In such a world, the home would never break down. An innocent child wouldn't need decades of counseling to heal from the emotional scars of his parents' divorce. Divorce, like war in Lennon's imagined world, wouldn't exist. So, an industry of divorce-facilitating attorneys, windfall-catching realtors, and custody evaluators would all be part of pre-imagined history.
I'd be out of a job too, as Peace in the Home, Inc. wouldn't be conducting workshops, retreats or writing articles. But, that wouldn't matter, because real peace in the home would be the status quo lifestyle behind every closed door on every street.
Hmmm. Like most romantics, I'm getting lost in the music -- in the imagining. But now, the white-clad Lennon has struck the last chord on his white grand piano, and I'm waking from my daydream.
I'm overcome with that feeling I get when I exit a theatre after experiencing an extraordinary film. Do you know the one? You're still living and experiencing the movie, not yet ready for reality.
But, reality won't wait. Lennon's lyrics are hopeful and enchanting -- yes, but they are also naive and unrealistic. My favourite Beatle, for all of his productive collaboration and creative genius, missed the mark on the heart of man.
Discord, not harmony, is the default setting for humanity -- not because of religion, geographical borders or stuff, but because of sin. It's a root-level, universal problem that can't be imagined away.
No shortage of difficulties
At home, husbands and wives have always had difficulties relating, understanding, resolving and growing. To thrive, mates have to find ways of working through selfishness, past hurt, and frustration, while reconciling expectations, needs, temperaments and all the interpersonal aspects of marriage. Marriage requires much of husbands and wives.
Externally, marriages have a large and growing list of problems as well -- pressures from outside of the home which affect the home. (Please read our July 2009 article, 'Beneath an Engaging Smile', that lists 17 ways the family is under attack today.)
External challenges might also include parental interference, job loss, external temptations (people, substances, images), and the mass media's slow but constant barrage on a couple's values (fidelity, priorities).
The newest and most dangerous external threats to the family include normalizing homosexuality and attempts to redefine marriage. While the risks are well-known to some, the "average Joe on the street" is largely uninformed on these issues. If Joe's a believer, his Bible and his common sense tell him they're morally wrong, but still, he feels powerless and overwhelmed by what seems like a massive tropical storm moving quickly inland.
The home is being battered today like never before. In this hostile, hurried, values-polarized climate, marriage requires even more of husbands and wives. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I believe that homes are silently crying out today, desperate for godly support.
Help for the home
Where will that help come from? Ironically, communities (whose fabric actually depends upon healthy marriages) don't tend to support many organizations capable of helping marriages. Municipalities have really cool programs for rescuing dogs, trees, kids, buildings, and neighbourhoods, but I'm sensing there's not much out there for strengthening marriages or preventing divorce. Too messy, perhaps.
So, "the church" is the only one left -- the last legitimate stronghold of support for the marriage-anchored home. What a huge responsibility!
Sadly, the family can't count on some "churches" -- those who've drifted with the culture and turned their backs on the authority of scripture. Nice buildings in fine neighbourhoods hide their inability to offer biblical support to anyone hungry for relationship answers. I had a phone conversation a few years ago with a pastor who remarked, "I'm a little concerned, Robert, about your use of the term, 'biblical model for marriage". I think our call ended shortly after that.
The need
I meet a lot of young men and women who are confused about how to behave as single adults, or how to begin thinking about finding a marriage partner. I also meet a number of husbands and wives who've never seen marriage work. Their openness to ideas leaves them vulnerable to the array of confusing messages of our culture.
Both sets of adults need the support of a church who will come alongside of them with lovingkindness and loyalty, while surrounding them with all the people and resources they need. At the top of the list, these families need to be saturated in God's word, so they can learn to apply its power to their relationships at home.
Many good churches are devoting pulpit, classroom, seminar and retreat time to help men and women deepen their understanding of what God's word says about relationships. Some churches are doing all of these on a frequent or ongoing basis. A few are even integrating "home-building" into every aspect of church culture.
On social issues, more churches need to fulfill their prophetic responsibility by speaking out in loving yet compelling ways on lifestyles that don't line up with God's word, and which are known to be unhealthy for the family. People need that clarity in order to feel confident engaging the culture.
Challenge to the church
I'd like to challenge the church to do more. The key, I believe, is reconciling its relationship with the home. If it sees itself as a spiritual hub, needing to sweep every family program under the church roof, then its philosophy of ministry is church-centered. That model hasn't always worked.
If it sees the home as the primary and foundational community of faith, and itself in a supportive role, then a whole new realm of possibilities arise, as do sparkling new visions for family ministry.
(Speaking of possibilities, I should mention that Susan Olasky did a nice job of recounting what a few churches are doing differently in her article, "Couples in Community" in the June 18th, 2011 issue of World Magazine.)
In the real world, marriage requires much of husbands and wives. There's no room for passivity in civilization's most important human relationship. If the rich Hebraic foundation of Christianity has taught us anything, it is that a belief is not a belief until it's acted upon. Marriage is a great context to live that out -- both by husbands and wives, and by the church in how it supports and equips the home.
Lennon's world of "Imagine" is one where man achieves peace and harmony after being freed to be his own natural self. God's word says that man, left to his own devices, is lost in his brokenness, and ultimately needs a saviour to rescue him from himself. Not a lot of overlap here.
After decades of watching my "natural self" mess up relationships, I'll put my shekels on option number two, while continuing to teach, live and defend the "biblical model for marriage". Hopefully, my children won't choose to take the same "scenic route" that their father did.
Blessings on your home,
robert
Peace in the Home, Inc. is a family organization whose mission is to strengthen marriages and equip parents. In addition to writing articles on marriage and parenting, Peace in the Home conducts seminars, workshops and retreats for engaged couples, married couples, and married and single parents. |
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