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Boundaries with Kids by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend
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Live your values
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We were shocked and disappointed to discover that The Home Depot is using profits from consumer purchases to proudly support the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) -- a homosexual activist organization that lobbies aggressively for the redefinition of marriage.
As the values of HRC and now The Home Depot are in sharp contrast to God's design for marriage and sexuality, we encourage our readers to join the boycott and sign the pledge sponsored by the American Family Association. Tell your friends.
More information may be found at afa.net.
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Peace in the Home offers a list of morally-safe movies for family viewing. We think you'll find it helpful in choosing family-friendly DVD's to watch with your kids. |
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Greetings!
I hope you enjoy this month's parenting article -- part one of two on teaching children responsibility through consequences.
For any reader this month willing to support Peace in the Home's ministry to families with a monthly tax-deductible gift of $15 or more, we'll send a copy of Cloud and Townsend's, "Boundaries with Kids".
In keeping with our rhythm of alternating between marriage and parenting articles, next month is marriage, followed by "Stewing in Juice" (consequences part II).
robert
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"A man reaps what he sows."
~ Galatians 6:7b
When I was twelve or thirteen, I accidentally set fire to my parent's house.
Mom and dad had left for work, and I had an hour to kill before school. Normally, that wasn't a big deal, but on this one morning, it was just enough time for my curiosity to lead me down a wrong path.
I'd found a few sparklers left over from an evening of fireworks at a neighbour's. Wondering what would happen if I scraped the grey stuff off of the wire into a metal pie plate, I lit it with a match.
Sparks rocketed in every direction. The metal container quickly burned a hole in the scatter rug beneath the plate. Panicked, I doused the flames, while worrying out loud to our miniature poodle what I was going to tell my parents about the burned rug.
I threw open some bedroom windows to rid the upper story of the smoke and metallic smell, and ran downstairs with the damaged rug. Heaving it over the back fence, I hoped it would land in the creek that ran behind our property, which was still moving along at a late spring pace.
Still confiding in the dog, I ran back upstairs, aware that I was close to being late for school. After cleaning up any remaining evidence, I blasted out of the house, running on an extra dose of adrenalin.
Like cigarette smokers who are unaware of their public "aura", I was surprised when my teacher asked, "Did someone sit a little too close to the fire last night?" Within minutes, I was called to the principal's office where a woman was waiting to whisk me home to the sights, sounds, and smells of my worst nightmare.
When I arrived, fire trucks lined the street. Our front lawn was littered with things that belonged inside of our house. (Apparently a spark had landed on an overstuffed chair.) Thankfully, my canine confidante was safe, preoccupied with barking at firemen who were coming and going without her permission.
And, apparently my dad was on his way home.
So what happens next? From a parent's perspective, what ought to happen next?
As parents, Melissa and I want our children to always feel safe confessing their mistakes, yet we don't want them to miss the powerful learning that comes from living with the consequences of their poor choices.
Notice the tension between these two worthwhile goals? How can we accomplish both?
One key is knowing the difference between punishment and consequences. Both parents and children get them confused. They're not synonyms. To a child or a teen, punishment and negative consequences look and feel the same, so we need to help them with that.
Pure punishment hurts, it breeds fear and resentment, it's primary motivation isn't character-shaping, and it tends to be focused on past behaviour. Parental ranting and raving, and emotional withdrawal probably fall into this category as well.
A consequence is different. It speaks to, and respects the heart. A consequence is a natural or logical age-appropriate result of a child's choice, and its purpose is to shape future behaviour. It comes in two varieties: pleasurable and painful.
While punishment and consequences are both found within the pages of scripture, I can't seem to find where punishment is ever associated with parenting. So, fathers and mothers will probably want to focus on consequences, rather than dropping their kids into a winepress or letting an ancient Assyrian babysit for an evening.
After the fire, I fully expected to be punished.
I'm of the opinion that as an approach for cultivating responsibility in precious young foolish beings, there's probably nothing better than consequences.
My 11-year-old son, Andrew, recently fractured his wrist while riding his bike carelessly, racing his sister home. After the initial pain subsided, healing began. Thankfully, so did the learning. He realized he'd be giving up his beloved tennis for five weeks. More painfully, it hit him that he wouldn't be riding a bike, swimming in the ocean or playing tennis during our family's annual Hilton Head escape. Almost before his cast had hardened, Andrew confessed that what he'd done was stupid, and that he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. Savouring this admission as one of those rare "parental satisfaction moments", Melissa and I smiled.
Accidents and emergencies aside, it's worthwhile for parents to try and anticipate everyday situations that might trigger consequences. At our house, we like to momentarily set aside our chaos, and sit down as a family to discuss dad's and mom's expectations, agreeing upon what consequences will result from good and bad choices. (Sounds formal and highly-organized, but it really isn't.)
So, our children know well in advance what will happen when they choose to misplace their manners, hurt someone, tell a lie, be tardy, lazy, or get their priorities mixed up. On the everyday stuff, there's no surprises.
"Consequences transfer the need to be responsible from the parent to the child." ~ Cloud & Townsend
Andrew knows that if he has to be reminded to walk Riley, he'll own Rachel's dog walks for the next two days. Rachel knows that if she's on the computer when school work awaits, she'll lose computer privileges for a day. Leah knows when she's late for breakfast, she'll head to bed earlier that evening. Rachel and Andrew know that when they form a sibling alliance to persecute younger Leah, they'll clean her room for a week. All of them know that honesty will be rewarded -- when they own up to their mistakes before we discover them! Sow, reap. Sow, reap.
Teaching about real world consequences for choices in advance accelerates the learning process, and gives parents regular opportunities to underline the non-negotiable values in their home.
Children who learn the concept of sowing and reaping in the home will be better prepared to work hard and meet, rather than whine about, workloads and deadlines in college and the workplace. They will be more apt to take responsibility for failure in tasks and relationships, rather than adopting the newly-normalized "victim" role. I expect children who learn responsibility through consequences will end up modeling desirable character traits to their children.
That way, when a child finds himself on the "hotseat" as I did years ago, and asks himself, "I wonder what'll happen if my parents discover I started the fire?", he may feel more secure in doing the right thing for the right reason.
* * *
All hoses are reeled in, and the fire trucks are ready to pull out. Neighbours and other curious onlookers are dispersing. My father's car has just pulled up. Dad is walking towards me. "What should I tell him? Okay ... I've made my decision. Thankfully, dog's can't talk!"
Here are a few things to think about and discuss this month ...
1. When you were growing up, did your parents "punish" you physically or emotionally, or did they have a way of allowing you to live with the consequences of your choices?
2. As a parent, have you carried on that tradition in your home, or have you adopted a different style?
3. What situations do you recall from your childhood, positive and negative, of reaping what you sowed? From your teen years? As an adult?
4. To what degree do you tend to step up and take responsibility for situations that fell short of success, even when you were not fully responsible?
5. As a parent, have your experiences in allowing your children to experience consequences been frustrating, or rewarding? How so?
6. What would you have said to your father, given the same situation after the house fire?
Blessings on your home,
robert
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