"If your wife is short, bend down and whisper to her."  (Talmudic saying)

We've entered a season of high anxiety for many of us men.  As soon as the calendar shifts to February, pulses quicken.  Blood pressures rise.  Panic sets in.

Valentine's Day is approaching -- the one day our culture has set aside for "love".  Candlelit suppers.  Red roses.  iPods loaded with her favourite minstrels.

Romance -- it feels great!  It feels so good that it can be tempting to believe that feelings are the best measure of the health of a relationship, and the soundest foundation upon which to build one.  I once thought that.  I'm not so sure anymore.

Feelings-based love just doesn't seem to fit very well with scripture.  The steadfast love that God has demonstrated for those created in his image (and the love that husbands are commanded to have for their wives) is active.  It's a volitional act of loving-kindness that benefits the receiver.  It's only real when it is expressed, and only expressed when it is acted upon.  Love is given, especially when it doesn't make sense to do so.

Longitudinal research confirms that the most crucial mark of a "loving" relationship is "who-does-what" when conflict inevitably happens.  Like when Melissa and I play mixed doubles on the same side of the tennis net!  When she misses a shot and my words and body language communicate disappointment (rather than encouragement), am I actively loving her?  We might happen to enjoy spontaneous romantic moments at home, but the ultimate success or failure of our relationship hinges on how we treat each other through the rough spots.

So, here's my suggestion.  Relax.  Enjoy Valentine's Day for what it is.  Then, invest the best of your creative energy the other 364 days of the year by the giving of yourself to and for your mate.  Long after the memory of chocolate covered strawberries has faded, acts of unselfish loving-kindness will remain the most treasured aspects of your relationship.

rgp

Think about ...
1.  Getting your hands on a great marriage resource this weekend, and taking turns reading sections to each other.