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Greetings!
Those who've been with us for a while will recognize our rhythm of alternating between marriage and parenting articles. While this month's piece is written especially with married couples in mind, we're confident "First Words" will find application in your other relationships as well.
We're also pleased to feature Archibald and Sharon Hart's excellent resource, Safe Haven Marriage, which nicely complements the topic.
Lastly, please participate in our survey. We're planning to do some new things in 2010, and we need your input.
Many thanks for continuing to support Peace in the Home.
Love,
Robert & Melissa
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First Words
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"Tart words make no friends: a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar." ~ Benjamin Franklin
When we want to communicate, the way we begin is important.
As a form of academic torture, I sometimes quiz our children on the opening lines of classic works of literature. An author's first line is worthy of attention as it conveys some amount of information, and it either succeeds or fails at peaking a reader's curiosity.
The same may be said of film opening scenes and first spoken lines of actors and actresses, although the visual aspect makes it more difficult for a viewer to "pull the plug".
Experts in public speaking and homiletics tell us that people decide within the first minute or so whether they are going to tune in, or tune out the words of a speaker or preacher.
"Come here often?"
Single guys, hanging out in all kinds of places, expend a lot of creative energy (sometimes even sacrificing brain cells) concocting perfect opening lines -- phrases that will impress a woman by their wit and originality.
If you're married, do you remember the first approach by one of you to the other?
I met Melissa on the Oregon coast, while spending the best part of a week on a saddle of a bicycle. On top of my seat's discomfort, I was faced with two other challenges: Melissa and her cycling companion were in shape and inseparable. On our last evening, those who weren't traveling home until the next day gathered at a Portland brew pub. Suddenly, Melissa rose from her chair and made her way to the cappuccino machine, momentarily separated from her week-long companion. I thought to myself, "Better move Robert -- this could be your only shot!"
I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something corny along the lines of: "I haven't had many chances to talk to you this week, but you seem like an interesting person. I'm wondering if we might talk sometime. Maybe I could call you or we could write after we all get where we're going."
I could have said, "Hey, why do you guys ride so fast, and how come you're never apart?!"
When we want to communicate, the way we begin is important. While that's true in all of our life contexts, nowhere is it more true than between husbands and wives.
"Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
~ Proverbs 12:18
Common sense, experience and clinical research all confirm that conversations between mates don't finish well, when they don't begin well. When we start out harshly, we immediately increase the emotional distance between ourselves and our mate. Getting closer (or enjoying what we call a "non-stick disagreement") after a poor beginning isn't impossible, but it's difficult and highly unlikely.
What we say
University of Washington marital researcher, John Gottman, attributes a "harsh start-up" to many of our communication failures at home. A Gottman-style harsh start-up consists of either criticism or sarcasm. We would also throw in accusations, ridicule, insults, complaints or any other ways we put our mates on the defensive, or cause them to run for cover. These "weapons" are the swords of Proverbs 12.
"I have met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my time, but you are twenty minutes! ~ Oscar Wilde
Some of Peace in the Home's most popular workshops deal with communication or conflict. In them, we help couples replace learned negative habits with new ways of relating that honour God by honouring his institution of marriage. A small, but significant, part of that is learning to begin more gently.
While limitations here don't allow us to do more than list them, three ways of disarming negatives (converting "swords" into "plowshares") are by asking neutral questions, expressing feelings, and perhaps the most effective, doing a "say-ask" (expressing a feeling, preference or need + a neutral question).
How we say it
Less obvious harsh start-ups can happen between husbands and wives when first words don't reflect a listener's preferred style of communication. The actual choice of words is fine, but there's something about the delivery that alters the innocence of the words. Melissa and I struggle with this from time-to-time.
I sometimes prefer a more direct, literal verbal style in order not to be misunderstood. Melissa's preferred style is much more indirect. We want to arrive at the same destination, but my lovely wife prefers to take the "scenic route" while I prefer "as the crow flies". Can any of you identify with that?
Sometimes when I have something I need to share, and if I begin too directly, Melissa will perceive my approach as uncomfortable or even unsafe. It just doesn't feel good to her. Like the speaker who lost his audience, someone who feels uneasy or unsafe will withdraw well before the other has even finished expressing himself. That's a lost opportunity for intimacy.
"When a husband and wife love each other, they literally give their hearts to each other for safekeeping. The is such a delicate, trusting act that any violation or injury of this trust can cause the most painful of reactions." ~ Archibald & Sharon Hart
When we want to communicate, the way we begin is important. Husbands and wives have more productive conversations when first words express love -- love from the listener's perspective.
My first words to Melissa in Oregon certainly weren't profound. But, they were accidentally positive, hopeful, and affirming. Over the course of years, it's easy to let some of that slide. The "stuff of life" can be frustrating, overwhelming and unromantically routine during any season of marriage. So, there's value in revisiting some of the things we did when our first words were focused on the gift who God was in the process of giving us.
Some things to think about and discuss this month ...
1. Think about putting your relationship with your husband or wife in its proper perspective: by God's design, your mate is your single most important human relationship.
2. If you are a husband, the emotional health of your home pivots on how you actively love your wife. That love is demonstrated and actualized only by how you live. Think about how your conversation start-ups bear witness to that, and adjust where necessary.
3. Since intimacy is a function of understanding and safety, think about granting your spouse no less consideration than you would a stranger or friend when you start up a conversation.
4. One of you will likely be responsible for harsh start-ups more than the other. You're the one who usually raises issues, and you are the one who is most driven to resolve them. Think about using that good initiative to build up your mate from your very first words.
5. When you have something you need to say or want to resolve, think about softening your first words. In Luke 3:7, John the baptizer's first words, "You brood of vipers!" probably grabbed the crowd's attention, but it might not be the best approach in our marriages. :-)
If you're willing to share them, we'd enjoy hearing some of your "first word" conversational mishaps and triumphs. Some are funny now that we've survived them. Others are best left where they are!
Also, please email us if you'd like more information on breaking out of ineffective communication ruts, and helping you and your spouse onto a better, smoother path. Your email will be treated with discretion and confidentiality.
Blessings on your home,
rgp
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