My wife, Melissa, is a fabulous dancer. In describing what I do on the dance floor, she probably wouldn't use those same words. I would definitely benefit from some lessons.
A ministry colleague recently told me that he was taking ballroom dance lessons with his wife. It made me smile when he shared this, knowing his passion for the family. What a cool way to add some zing to your marriage!
I liken the emotional life of a married couple to a "dance" -- ideally with a husband leading his wife, moving in unison around the floor.
In life, however, stuff happens to interrupt the dance: Music changes; toes are stepped on; cell phones interrupt; careless whispers are heard; and dancers "bump" other couples. In "It's A Wonderful Life", George and Mary even fell into a pool while doing the "Charleston"!
Seemingly endless possibilities of events can trigger feelings, causing one of the dancers to break the embrace, and step back from his or her partner.
Likewise, in the privacy of a home, something triggers an issue that a couple has never really resolved. Feelings resurface. An argument ensues. Then, a familiar, but potentially dangerous old dance kicks in.
And she said to him, "How can you say, 'I love you', when your heart is not with me?" ~ Delilah
Emotion-focused therapists say that the degree to which a couple disconnects at key moments of need says more about whether a marriage will end in divorce than any other single factor.
Some go so far as to say that all divorces and distressed marriages, regardless of worldview, have one thing in common: Husbands and wives who fail to connect emotionally with each other.
If this is true, then a troubled relationship isn't mostly about mismanaged money or the discipline of children or gender differences or poor communication or even sexual infidelity. These are just symptoms.
It's about whether a husband and wife make a habit of turning toward each other, or turning away from each other when genuine feelings need to be expressed.
I anticipate some husbands thinking, "Now, why on earth would I ever want to connect emotionally with my wife? She's the emotional one, I'm the logical one. I like the way I am."
Be careful not to confuse identity with behaviour. It's true -- I don't need to be like Melissa, but I do need to learn how to connect with her, and be emotionally available to her whenever she needs it. That connecting and availability is imperative if our relationship is to thrive.
" ... if one sees his marital partner as a separate being with needs and wants separate from his own, he will give to his spouse only grudgingly, and with resentment. He must, instead, identify completely with her so that he perceives her good as his good, her needs as his own, as if the two were actually one."
~ Michael Kaufman
As an added incentive, I've been told by a very reliable source that for women, emotional intimacy must precede sexual intimacy. That reality should be sufficient motivation for any remaining male doubters to be open to learning some new dance steps!
Husbands -- just as you are leaders on the dance floor, you are also the key to the emotional climate in the home.
In the privacy of the counseling office, husbands and wives admit that they want the same basic things from a marriage relationship: to be understood, to be valued, to be accepted, and to have their feelings received and affirmed (rather than questioned or critiqued) with caring and tenderness. Connecting emotionally is the aggregate of all of these things.
"... the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." ~ Genesis 2:25
Using biblical language, emotional connection is "knowing and being known" by the most important person in your life.
For those of you who appreciate a bottom line, here it is: marriage, the way it was designed, requires husbands and wives to reveal themselves to each other, gradually, honestly and gently. So, we need to strive for that, and be open to learning some new dance steps, ie. better ways of relating.
Okay, so how can I tell if my spouse and I need to improve in this area?
Some of you already know it. One of the most frequent complaints I hear, particularly from wives, is that they feel lonely in their marriage. One or both spouses feel more like roommates than soul mates. Or, as authors Paul and Sandy Coughlin put it, a man and a woman are "married but not engaged".
Another clue is how far apart each of you feel after an argument or disagreement. Did a better understanding bring you closer together, or did unhealthy conflict leave you feeling more alone than ever?
"Couples were never meant to go through life alone."
~ Hart & Morris
Emotionally disconnected couples are good at accomplishing the practical tasks of life: shopping, paying the bills, maintaining the house, servicing the cars. But, at the end of the day, something is missing. There's just no real emotional connection. If this sounds familiar, I want this to be a relational "yellow flag" for you, and a strong incentive to commit to growing more closely together as a couple.
Of course, it's also time for dance lessons!
In "You make me feel like dancing, Part II", we'll talk about how we learned to dance, and then later in Part III, we'll talk about some new steps to get better connected.
Two things to keep in mind ...
1. A husband is the key to the emotional climate in the home.
2. Sharing your heart is a requirement in a God-honouring marriage.
Four things to think about and discuss ...
1. What are some ways your differences make you stronger as a couple?
2. What feelings or emotions were openly expressed in your home when you were growing up?
3. What's the emotional climate of your home like today? Is it an emotionally-safe place for both of you to open up?
4. What does your dance look like? What typically happens when you and your mate have a disagreement? Who tends to do what?
One last thing: Check out the video clip, "Affirm the Sacred: Marriage".
Blessings on your home,
robert
