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"How to Avoid Playing the Blame Game"
When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
~Author Unknown
As employees, family members and friends of others, we open ourselves up to the joy and pain of those relationships on a daily basis. Often times this pain or hurt feeling we experience comes across as anger...and rightly so. Anger is an important emotion that allows us to stay safe by avoiding those people or actions that bring us pain. It is when the anger is used consistently in blaming others that it becomes ineffective. No one likes to be seen as a victim but this is what we portray when we point our fingers at others for their behavior. Webster's dictionary defines blame as finding fault with or holding responsible. Lets take a look at some work examples of blaming others:
Gretchen: Bob you are late once again with your expense report!
Mike : Renee , you constantly overpromises our ability to produce that many units!
Sue: Gavin runs around here like a chicken with his head cut off and creates more work for all of us!
Tim: Mary overreacts to everything I say...so I don't tell her much!
Karen: John spends most of his morning on Facebook and personal phone calls which creates a bottleneck of work for us!
Andrew: Mark's emails are so short and to the point...I don't think he is human most of the time.
What is missing from these blaming statements that would make them more effective? The answer is how these actions effect each recipient or how they feel as a result of these actions. While it is easy to see what is irritating us, it is very difficult to say to ourselves and others how this makes us feel.
I have found, especially in the world of work, that mentioning your feelings is taboo. At work their permeates a belief that we should keep our discussions about our work and relationship with others in a factual way because emotions can get messy and we certainly don't ever want to see anyone cry. While I am not advocating that we make ourselves or others cry, I am suggesting that we let others see how their actions are affecting us on a personal level. It is this personal sharing that will work more effectively in changing the unwanted behavior than making statements that create a defensive attitude. The statements above create a barrier or feeling of having to defend oneself if we are being blamed for something. Try these statements the next time you are feeling angry and see if the perpetrator actually listens and wants to problem solve for a better solution:
Gretchen: Bob, being late with your expense report makes me feel overwhelmed because I may not be able to get payroll out tomorrow.
Mike: Renee, when you overpromise our ability to produce that many units, it makes me feel angry and sad that we cannot meet the customer's needs.
Sue: Gavin, when you run around the office wanting updates on projects that you have assigned, I feel stressed out and frustrated because I don't get my work done for the day which puts me behind tomorrow.
Tim: Mary, when you overreact to what I say, I feel like shutting down and not sharing vital information with you.
Karen: John, when you spend time on Facebook and personal phone calls, it makes me feel angry because it puts me behind and creates extra work for me.
Andrew: Mark, when your emails are so short and to the point, I feel like you are angry with me and I become confused about how the project is really going.
It is never easy to share our feelings at work or at home as it requires being vulnerable with others. This can be a very foreign feeling, especially in the workplace. However, it is vulnerability that will create a positive tone for problem solving and keep you from playing the victim/blame game.
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