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"That Was Great But You Could Do Better." The Art of Invalidation.
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According to Webster's dictionary, invalidation means to weaken, disable or destroy. These are strong words to define a negative pattern of communication that many of us use unknowingly. While invalidation is most often found in couple's communication, I believe that the workplace has just as many examples to share. Here are are few obvious and not-so-obvious ways that we invalidate others at work:
Jody: "I am so upset that I did not get that promotion."
Mary: "Don't be upset, at least you have a job."
In this example, Mary is telling Jody that her feelings are wrong and unimportant, because she should be happy she has a job, instead of being upset. A better way to validate Jody would be:
Mary: "I am sorry to hear that you did not get the promotion. Tell me what happened."
Here is another subtle form of invalidation that Tom found as a note with his end-of- the-year bonus check:
"You did a good job last year as manager but this year we expect more."
Anytime you praise someone for work and then use the word "but", you are invalidating the praise. A better way to validate's Tom work would be:
"You did a great job last year as manager. We appreciate the way you improved your team's performance in new clients billed and your percentage of client's paying on time."
Here is another subtle form of invalidation:
Angie: "I won the sales contest for most new clients this quarter!"
Mark ( Angie's boss): "But your last new client purchase order had three errors."
This is a classic case of weakening, disabling and destroying Angie's excitement over her sales award. A better way to respond would be:
Mark: "Congratulations Angie! I know you worked hard at improving your sales to new clients and it really paid off."
Mark needs to find the appropriate time to discuss Angie's error rate but it should not be at the same time she is looking for affirmation of her hard work.
According to the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, there are three steps you can take if you find yourself continually invalidating others.
- Remember the golden rule. While this may seem easy, it often is not. We tend to lose sight of how we want to be treated in the heat of the moment. As human beings we have the capacity to pause before we take action or speak. Unlike animals that must respond with fight or flight, we can pause and think of a better response than invalidation. Become more aware of how you feel when others invalidate you. This new awareness should help you pause before invalidating someone else.
- Be present in the moment. Acknowledge the other person by really listening to their words and point of view.
- Call for a "do over". If you find that you and your co-worker or boss have gone down the path of invalidation. Ask for a "do over" and begin the conversation again by fully listening and acknowledging the other person's words and feelings.
We all want to feel respected. One way to feel respected is to show respect to others by becoming aware of when we use invalidation in our communication. By using the tips above, you will be on your way to building better relationships both at work and at home. | 
