"No other success can compensate for failure in the home."
~ J. E. McCulloch
As one of its core values, Peace in the Home believes that parenting is the highest human privilege and responsibility. What task in life can compare with the significance of preparing the next generation? Yet, parenting isn't without its challenges! High expectations of ourselves and of our children can lead to feelings of guilt and discontent.
As a dad, I'm always on the lookout for parenting resources -- books, blogs, or dvds that will be helpful at my house, as well as for our readers and workshop participants. Obviously, I can't keep up with everything that hits the shelves, so I'm thrilled when I get recommendations from you.
Here's a question: Considering all sources of parenting wisdom, what parenting "technique" would you consider foundational to all others?
Peace in the Home believes the ultimate "parenting technique" is something husbands and wives can practice even before the first baby arrives, right up until the last one leaves home.
Parenting priority number one is attending to your marriage!
One of the lies of our culture is that marriage doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter whether you live together or get married. It doesn't matter who you marry. It doesn't matter if you stay together or divorce ... because it's just about two people.
We believe that a good marriage -- one based on God's design -- is the best gift you can give to your children.
Desirable outcomes
An extensive body of research indicates that a child does best when he grows up in an intact home, with a mother and father, in a low-conflict marriage.
Kids who grow up in these homes are less likely to drop out of school or engage in premature sexual activity. They are likely to feel more secure, get better quality sleep, and do better socially and academically.
Later on as adults, they are less likely to cohabitate, or to accept divorce as a legitimate option.
Highly distressed marriages and divorce, ROCK a child's world to an extent we are only now beginning to understand.
"When children don't feel secure, their whole world seems to unravel. No amount of baseball, dance, piano lessons or toys can make up for that kind of loss."
~ D. L. Cherry
Because marriage isn't just about two people, children do better when the marriage does better. When children feel secure, they grow, they make better choices, and they soar. So every ounce of energy we can put into strengthening our own marriages is time well spent.
Prioritizing marriage
One way of attending to your marriage is to prioritize it. By that I mean thinking and acting as if it is your most important human relationship.
Here in Virginia there's a licence plate that reads: "Kids First".
Kids are easy to put first. They're cute and cuddly and dependent for a long time. For many women, there's a huge temptation to put their relationship with their children above that of their husbands. But children, as precious as they are, can be built-in intruders on a marriage.
"Never allow your children's wants to take precedence over your husband's needs."
Likewise for men, we can always rationalize excessive time away from home as temporary, financially-necessary, or personally fulfilling. It's another easy choice that our culture endorses.
But, the success or failure of the home pivots on the health of our marriages, not on the contentment of our children, or on our achievements somewhere else.
While loving them up, it's good for the kids to hear Mom say: "Dad and I are the most important people in each other's lives!", or to hear Dad say: "Marrying your mother was the smartest thing I ever did!"
For many of us, prioritizing marriage is so radical it means making a structural change. That's not so easy. Many families need help with this.
In his word, we discover that God's design for the family isn't a democracy. It's not an egalitarian system either. It celebrates children, but never revolves around them. It's marriage-centered.
Structural family therapy pioneer, Salvador Minuchin, refers to the husband and wife relationship as the "executive subset". (Maybe I'll put that on our bedroom door!) But seriously, don't miss the point: In a healthy home, there's a clearly differentiated boundary between parents and children.
That idea integrates nicely with God's word. God is a God of order. There's order to his creation. There's order to his design for the home.
Scripture paints a wonderful picture with clear boundaries between parents and children, woven throughout the wisdom of Proverbs.
Paul puts the home clearly in order in Ephesians 5 and 6, when he addresses husbands and wives first, children second, and household help third.
If you're not already doing it, I really want to urge you to nurture your marriage by constructing a healthy protective boundary around it. Your children need to see you and your mate enjoying a loving and romantic relationship that doesn't require their presence to exist.
Our kids always get goofy when Melissa and I hug or kiss. They jump up and down when we dance or flirt. They smile and cheer when we tell them we're going out on a date. I'm convinced that's God's way of showing how secure they feel when there is marital harmony.
Every distressed couple I counsel has at least one thing in common: they aren't spending anywhere close to enough time together.
I recommend couples spend twelve hours of uninterrupted time together each week, excluding sleeping or "screen" time.
"Twelve hours! That's impossible!"
Is it impossible because you aren't doing it, or because you can't imagine it? It's not only possible, but it's necessary. Think of the possibilities -- what could be different in your marriage if you were present and available to your mate for just one more hour each day?
1. Marriage isn't just about two people. Healthy or unhealthy, a marriage has inter-generational consequences.
2. The most loving thing we can do for our children has nothing to do with getting overly-involved in their activities, buying them stuff, crowding their calendars, or exhausting ourselves keeping them in a constant state of bliss.
The MOST loving thing we can do for our children is to show them what a God-honouring marriage looks like.
"The greatest gift you can give your children is a sacred commitment to your spouse ... Your kids need your devotion to each other more than they need your devotion to them."
3. Parenting reveals who we were designed to need.
"Having children helps us recognize who we are; they reveal our inability to be always loving and patient and kind in our marriage, and in our parenting. We reach the end of ourselves and turn to God for help because he is our only lasting source of hope."
~ Drs. David and Jan Stoop
Here are few things to think about and discuss during your increased private time together ...
1. What do you remember most from childhood about your parents' marriage?
2. What are some things your children might be noticing about your marriage?
3. When you are at home, is your primary role more as a parent or as a spouse?
4. To whom do you feel most emotionally-connected in your home?
5. Would you consider your home more marriage-centered or child-centered? Why?
6. What are some things that are currently getting in the way of giving your mate the time and attention he/she deserves?
7. What are some things you might do differently to protect your marriage relationship from people/things that rob it of the time and attention it needs?
robert
P.S: If you hang out on Facebook, Twitter or Linkedin, please share this article with your friends. Buttons are up top.
Peace in the Home, Inc. is a family organization whose mission is to strengthen marriages and equip parents. In addition to writing articles on marriage and parenting, Peace in the Home conducts seminars, workshops and retreats for engaged couples, married couples, and married and single parents. | 
