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Greetings!
Thanks to everyone who took the time to provide thoughtful feedback to our last article, "Beneath an Engaging Smile". These are critical days for marriage and the family. If you haven't already done so, and if the article "touched a cord", we'd appreciate hearing from you.
This month, we switch back to parenting. "Please may I need my milk?" should have application to most moms and dads who still have children at home. And, given the economy, it may be more relevant today, than it was a year ago. We're also excited about sharing this month's featured resource with you. Dr. Boyd's book is a unique work about adjusting your parenting style to the unique way God has wired each of your children.
Next month -- back to marriage. Enjoy!
Love,
Robert & Melissa
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"Please may I need my milk?"
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"When parents give excessively to a child, he not only doesn't have to figure anything out for himself, but is eventually rendered incapable of doing so." ~ John Rosemond
Children have an adorable way of mixing up their words to create memorable quotes. Especially little ones between the ages of three and five. Thankfully, we've written a few down over the years ...
"Mommy, I have to tell you a question."
"I want to eat that by a big girl!"
"I'm gonna be glad when Amanda gets back from her honeybun."
"I'm so thirsty, I could eat an elephant!"
"Please, may I need my milk?"
Melissa and I seem to spend time correcting those mix-ups, mostly with two pairs of words: can and may; and want and need. We're always saying, "may for permission, can for ability!" Wants and needs are more complicated concepts, as our youngest, at age two, has revealed: "Please may I need my milk?", sets the stage for this month's update -- parenting according to the needs of our children.
Hebrew wisdom reinforces a developmental truth that, "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child." (Proverbs 22:15) So, it should never surprise us when a child has absolutely no idea of what he needs (even though he may know precisely what he wants at any given moment in time).
My kids want (but think they need): candy; play before responsibilities; dessert at every meal; sleepovers on a moment's notice; a horse in our backyard; elbows on the table; self-determined bedtimes; a hedgehog; kids-in-charge days; vegetable quotas; and unlimited "screen" time. (I can hear the cheers already!)
My kids need (but don't necessarily want): nutritious meals; sunscreen; healthy modelling; encouragement, empathy and affirmation; freedom to fail; consequences for good and bad choices; clean underwear; age-appropriate limits; bike helmets; lots of rest; chores; time and touch; and freedom to enjoy the innocence of childhood for as long as God designed it.
A need is what a child requires in order to survive and thrive.
One of our daughters doesn't drink enough water. When Rachel doesn't hydrate sufficiently, she gets a headache. When foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, she needs a parent to remind her of what she needs in order to not miss out on the fun moments. At least until she is less foolish.
A want is what a child desires to enhance his life.
Our son spends far too much time reading his Lego catalogue. The moment someone mentions we're out of some household necessity that can be sourced from Walmart, he's strapped in the backseat, ready for takeoff. We might need lightbulbs, toilet paper, or dog training treats, but Andrew desperately needs Star Wars Lego. Or, so he thinks.
Let's face it -- it's not easy raising contented kids in a culture that pushes consumption by cultivating discontent and transforming simple wants into burning needs.
I'm often tempted to give in to a child's wants. Somehow, my kids know this, so they see me as a "mark". Their cute exteriors soften my defenses, and disguise the fact that they are tireless negotiators and have wish lists that grow like kudzu. When I'm drained, overwhelmed, or just need a little peace, I'm most vulnerable. Trouble is, avoiding an in-store temper tantrum to keep the peace, has its costs. Giving ice cream to a chiId who just lost the privilege of having ice cream, has its costs. Continually buying things your daughter wants because all the kids have them has its costs. Giving your child more attention than she needs has its costs.
You see, there are absolutely no limits on what a child will ask for. There's no ceiling on their desires. It reaches all the way up into the stratosphere.
"Man is the only creature whose desires increase as they are fed." ~ Henry George
Our kids go nuts over "Webkinz". They're small stuffed animals that come with certificates that allow a child to play on a website that features appealing sounds, games to earn kidz cash, and a store to buy virtual items for their "pet". The certificate expires in one year, but is extended the moment you buy another Webkinz. How convenient!
Our children want a truckload of these things. This week, we put our foot down. When I suggested a limit of five Webkinz per child, anarchy broke out. We're using these silly stuffed animals to teach some valuable life lessons about moderation, contentment and financial responsibility -- things that are important to our family.
The point I'm making here is that if left up to a child, there would be no limit on the number of Webkinz, because still foolish beings don't grasp a difference between needs and wants. Even as they drift into angelic slumber with their arms around these little fuzzy things, they're already planning their next three purchases.
"Wise parents know that the most certain way to raise an ungrateful child is to give her everything she wants."
~ John Ortberg
When moms and dads focus their care and attention on a child's wants, or don't clearly distinguish between wants and needs, they run the risk of training up a generation who struggle with entitlement, who value things more than relationships, and who set themselves up for financial problems. That's not the future I want for my little guys. (Besides, the credit card companies will eat them alive when they get to college!)
Sal Minuchin provides one of my favourite definitions of parenting. He calls it "positive interfering". There are a ton of wonderfully positive, creative and guilt-free ways of "interfering" in the insatiable wants of children, while making sure their needs are met.
" ... for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."
~ Matthew 6:8b
Throughout history, God has provided for the needs of his children. He provided "the apple of his eye" with what they needed when they needed it. When they foolishly wanted instant gratification and freedom to worship false gods, he gave them suffering to build their character, and eventually a way of redemption.
Today as then, our Lord sees clearly through our self-centered and want-filled prayers to deliver what he knows we need. As the creator of the universe is to his children, so too fathers and mothers are to their children.
It's a mom and dad's responsibility to sift through the wheat and chaff, and provide children with all of what they need, while rationing out some of what children want. Growing children of character depends on those proportions. So does peace in the home.
Here are a few things to think about and discuss ...
1. Think about teaching your children about the difference between needs and wants by encouraging them to classify things they require to survive vs. things they would like to have. A fun exercise for children is to have them cut out images from magazines or catalogues and put them in a want or need pile.
2. Think about exposing your children to individuals and families whose basic needs aren't always met to teach gratitude, thanksgiving and a clearer distinction between needs and wants. Make serving these less fortunate families your primary goal.
3. Think about what you're modeling in the home, and whether there might be a correlation between whining, complaining, or negotiating, and an overemphasis on satisfying a child's wants.
4. Think about using a child's strong desire for something as a highly-leveraged opportunity to teach responsibility, the discipline of waiting, and the value of money. (Our children either save or work for some portion of what they want, and enjoy the experience of doing so.)
We're hoping some of you will be willing to share your stories and struggles as you've dealt with the needs and wants of your children. Regardless of the current age of your sons and daughters, I'm wondering if you'd take a moment to share some of those joys and frustrations with us?
Blessings on your home,
rgp
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