(This is Part II of teaching children responsibility through consequences. "Stewing in Juice" will make more sense if you read Part I, "Dogs Can't Talk" first.)
At the end of our last episode, we left our readers hanging, and our hero standing on his suburban front lawn, waiting for the shoe to drop. Actually, there was no hero -- just a young and foolish me, and a dog who'd witnessed the whole thing.
After unintentionally setting fire to my parents house, being pulled out of school, and driven home to the ugly aftermath of a fire, I'd never felt more alone or scared. What would I tell my dad? And, here he was, pulling up to the curb just as the fire trucks were leaving.
"Let him stew in his juices for a while." ~ Grandma We eat a ton of meals together in our family, but we don't always have dessert. So, when the sweet stuff comes out, it's special. Around the table, we do a lot of laughing and sharing, but we expect reasonably good manners. When one of our kids burps out loud (with pride), repeatedly interrupts, gets up from the table without asking to be excused, or eats like Tolkien's Gollum, they know they'll lose a dessert.
Trouble is, young kids don't own their mistakes, because the entire universe revolves around them.
As our youngest daughter, Leah, put it: "Yes Dad, but I wouldn't be losing my dessert if you hadn't made the rule!".
For a moment, she almost had me. Quotes like this one get recorded in our "family book" because they're innocent and cute, but those aren't reasons to be swayed by them. It's never too early to begin teaching sons and daughters that there are age-appropriate consequences to their choices.
When those consequences are applied with sensitivity by a loving parent, a powerful character-building learning process kicks in right away. Our bibles call it "reaping and sowing". Grandma calls it "stewing in juice."
The "stewing" requires two things: first, a child living with the consequence of his choice. Secondly, he must be supported by a parent who resists any temptation to rescue him from the consequence. Both are essential for the process to work.
In tennis, a ball won't go where a player wants it to unless she follows through in a certain way. In growing children of character, a son or daughter won't become responsible unless a mom or dad follows through in a certain way.
For decades now, the so-called "helping" professions, positioning themselves as experts, have been selling savvy parents on building self-esteem, eradicating shame and guilt, and protecting a child from feeling "bad" about himself.
There's an English expression that aptly characterizes this advice: "Poppycock!"
Poor choices are wide-screen opportunities for a child to learn from real-world mistakes, which in turn help to shape better future decisions. Often that means experiencing negative feelings like shame, guilt and remorse. Shame might very well be the most beneficial ingredient in the container of juice.
Parents who struggle with poor boundaries in their own personal lives seem to have a tough time with this concept of "stewing in juice". Unable to see their daughter even temporarily unhappy, they feel a compelling urge to rescue her before she can experience the logical or natural consequences of her choice.
Rescuing from physical harm is a given. Rescuing from moral defilement is crucial in this day and age. But, rescuing from age-appropriate consequences is ... well ... pretty close to being irresponsible.
A daughter who really enjoys spending money may never learn financial responsibility if she knows that dad will continue to bail her out by paying her bills or rent when her money runs out every month or so.
A son who cheats on line calls or smashes his racquet in tennis may never learn self-control and integrity if he knows that dad will allow him to remain on the court no matter what he does.
A daughter who leaves her lunch at home as a habit, may never learn responsibility if she knows that mom will always bring it to school when she forgets.
A son who needs to be constantly reminded to do his chores before enjoying the privilege of sports activities may never learn responsibility if he knows that mom will always let him go when it's time to leave for game or practice.
"In the second that the hammer hits ..." ~ Elton John The minute a rescue happens, all hope of using a single poor choice as a character-building opportunity evaporates. Poofff! Sure, we all miss opportunities in the day-to-day busyness of life. We can't catch them all. But, when moms and dads chronically "rescue" because of their own unresolved issues, they obliterate openings for sons and daughters to take giant leaps forward in becoming responsible young citizens.
Speaking of responsible young citizens, I was not one of them. The fire story of "Dogs Can't Talk", may have given you a glimpse of that.
My father was called home mid-morning from his office twenty-five miles away. After parking his car at the curb, and quickly taking in the post-fire scene, he walked up to me and asked the question I'd been dreading:
"Son, do you know how this might have happened?"
While we certainly don't have it all figured out, Melissa and I believe that intentional parenting means reinforcing biblically-rooted values everyday regardless of what the culture is doing, and releasing kids in age-appropriate ways to succeed or fail, learning from their mistakes. It's not easy.
Mothers and fathers of my parents' generation may not have needed to be as intentional about some aspects of raising children. It may not have been as necessary or urgent, as most institutions in society supported the values of the home in those days, rather than working against it.
Whatever the reason, at 11 or 12, I did not possess the moral foundation that Melissa and I are striving to instill in our children. Yet, I did have the choice of how I responded that morning.
"Son, do you know how this might have happened?"
"Uh ... no, I don't."
With those words and the fabrications that followed, I made a sinful, short-sighted choice to avoid "punishment" by lying. What I didn't realize until decades later, is that I'd missed out on a entire chapter of personal growth by not living with the consequences of my choice. Regretfully, with the passing of my parents about thirty years later, I also missed the opportunity to confess the truth to them. But, God doesn't leave us stranded.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~ Romans 6:23 The "rod" of Proverbs 13:24, the "reaping" of Galatians 6:7-8, and Grandma's "stewing in juice" are perfectly compatible metaphors for lovingly discipling a child toward responsibility in adulthood.
As parents, entrusted with the high privilege and responsibility of preparing the next generation, let's not miss the opportunity to remain faithful and obedient to God's word and the wonderful blueprint for relationships he has given us.
I'd love it if you'd take a few moments and share your thoughts on this topic with us.
Blessings on your home,
robert
(Next marriage article, September 29th. Next parenting article, November 10th, on teaching children the value of money.)
Peace in the Home, Inc. is a family organization whose mission is to strengthen marriages and equip parents. In addition to writing articles on marriage and parenting, Peace in the Home conducts seminars, workshops and retreats for engaged couples, married couples, and married and single parents. |
