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Importance of Modeling






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December 2009

Greetings!

We're winding down the year with a universally-relevant, but personally-challenging topic -- the power of parental modeling.  We hope you enjoy it!

Our featured resource this month is What Children Learn from their Parents' Marriage.  While Judith Siegel doesn't write from a biblical worldview, it's a worthwhile read on the impact of marriage on children.  Get a copy, simply by following one of the links in this newsletter.

As always, we welcome your feedback to these articles.  We'd love to hear stories of how your children have imitated mom or dad, and whether Robert's the only father out there who receives "Three words I don't long to hear".

Love,
Robert & Melissa
Three words I don't long to hear ...


"Don't worry that children never listen to you.  Worry that they are always watching you!"
           ~ Robert Fulgum

Years ago, I had no idea the affect my behaviour could have on other people's kids.  As a single guy, I'd swoop in, get them all crazy, and when the food ran out, I'd leave.

This technique doesn't work so well when you're a dad.  As a father, I enjoy doing things with the kids that Melissa might never consider, but I make sure there's a beginning and an end to the insanity.

Why?  Children look to their mothers and fathers to help them make sense of the world -- to make sense of what's fun, what's serious, what's right and what's wrong.

Children tend to vote like their parents, talk like their parents, settle differences like their parents, parent like their parents, and do marriage like their parents.  That is, until they learn new ways.

So, if I yell at other drivers, or swerve to squish squirrels, or drift through stop signs, what will my children do when their feet reach the pedals?  Or, if I tear outside during supper and do somersaults on the front lawn, will my children politely finish their meal and do the dishes?

"Bad modeling, Robert!"
                                                                      ~ Melissa

Modeling is how we live before our children.  It's who we are in their presence.  It's like breathing.  It happens whether we're conscious of it or not.  We parents ought to do everything we can to increase that consciousness, and remain the primary influence in our children's lives.  These days, there's no telling who they'll latch onto.

Our youngest daughter wants to be like Sharpay Evans.  She's that spunky, self-centered and self-absorbed young lady of High School Musical fame.  Donning a blonde wig, six-year-old Leah scurries around quoting lines like:  "Evaporate tall person!" or singing "I want it all!".  (Just because we're involved in family ministry doesn't mean we don't have work left to do!)

Stories of kids imitating grown-ups provide lots of laughter, but modeling is serious business!  Modeling was part of what the apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote to young Timothy ...

"... set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity ... be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress.  Watch your life and doctrine closely.  Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers."   ~ 1 Tim 4:12b, 15-16

While there's nothing deep or complex about parental modeling, busy dads and moms need to be intentional about it, because it's how children learn important stuff.

1.  Modeling affects their safety -- both physical and moral.
This autumn, a mom cycled by our house, followed closely by her daughter.  The little girl was wearing a helmet, but mom wasn't.  What's that teaching a child?

If I go hiking with my son, and hop up on a rock wall at the edge of a ravine, what three words of Melissa's will ring in my ears?

What television shows or movies are we watching with our children?  What are our children catching us watching?

When single moms or dads have a "friend" stay overnight, what life lessons do our sons and daughters take from that?

2.  Modeling equips them for relationships.
On the surface, marriage is just about two people.  That's the perspective of most couples heading to the altar, or heading toward divorce.  But, it's much bigger than that.

Marriages leave legacies that overflow into subsequent generations.

When I was growing up, my parents didn't model a very good marriage.  As a result, I left home largely unequipped for relationships.  That's not something I want for my kids.

"... your children are noticing the large and small details of your marital relationship.  While your children may not be talking to you about what they are learning, their conclusions ... will prepare them to form their own marital relationships when they are older."
                                                   ~Judith P. Siegel

So, what do our children need to catch us doing?  Your list may be different, but here's ours ...
  • praying together,
  • making decisions together,
  • talking kindly to one another,
  • putting the other's needs first,
  • confessing wrongs and forgiving one another,
  • having a romantic relationship that doesn't require their presence,
  • settling disagreements in a loving way (showing them that it's possible),
  • making up (so they understand that conflict is about an issue, not the relationship).
The single most loving thing we can do for our children has nothing to do with reading another parenting book, having a child-centered home, buying them stuff, getting overly-involved in their activities, or crowding their calendars.

The most loving thing we can do for our children is to show them what a good marriage looks like.

So, modeling affects a child's safety and relationships.  There's one more thing:

3.  Modeling may be the most powerful way to instill values.
Values are those critical beliefs that guide us in choosing one way over another.  Instilling values means getting them inside of your kids so they'll eventually externalize them as part of their character.

"Parenting isn't about disseminating information.  Your children aren't going to become what you say -- they're going to become who you are."                                        ~ unknown

So, our goal here is to become parents who live the values we want our children to adopt.

Even with good intentions, it's not easy.  When Melissa and I feel overwhelmed or frustrated, we struggle with modeling the values we want our children to hold.  But still, we need to persevere.

If we want children who are self-controlled, then we can't be reacting in anger, or speaking without thinking.  If we want children who are kind and respectful, then we can't be mean and disrespectful.  If we want children who are willing to wait for things and relationships, then we can't be impatient, seeking immediate gratification.

This week, I received another "Bad modeling, Robert!"  When it arrived, it was a sobering and well-deserved wake up call to my responsibilities as a father, from a godly wife and mother.

Suddenly, I realize that if I want my children to express courage and conviction, or integrity, or patience or perseverance or faithfulness, or anything else that is good or right, I need to be living it!

"In a way, our children are like mirror images of us.  If we don't like what we see in our children, we should carefully examine ourselves, because chances are their behavior has been influenced by ours!"                                            ~Kay Kuzma

What we model to our kids influences their safety, their future relationships and the values they will internalize.  That's a lot.

Some things to think about and discuss this month ...

1.  What are some funny examples of children imitating parental behaviour at your house?

2.  What are some positive character qualities your parents modeled to you?

3.  Your children are watching you in order to know how to be married and how to relate to people.  Think about what they might be noticing.

4.  Which character traits are you yourself struggling to model to your children?  (Hint: watch your children, or ask your mate.)

5.  Whose information seems to be having the greatest influence on your children?  If it's not you, then discuss some creative ways you might begin to change that.

I hope you are feeling both challenged and encouraged by this subject of modeling -- how we live before our children.  My personal deficiencies in this area provide not only daily incentives to strive for improvement, but also well-timed reminders of how much I need a Saviour.

A blessed Christmas to you from Peace in the Home as you celebrate the one who was sent precisely for this purpose.

rgp