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@Home with Technology







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@Home with Technology

"Parenting is the task of giving children structure, boundaries, and limits.  It is the business of guiding, directing, and encouraging.  It is the work of supervising and controlling.  It is the responsibility to instill values, morals and ethics.  In short, it is positive interfering."
                                                                          ~ Sal Minuchin
 
Melissa and I seem to be spending more time than we'd like pushing back on aspects of the culture that don't fit with our worldview.  If something becomes available that conflicts head-on with our
values, it probably won't make it through our front door.  However, if something becomes available that has potential for good, yet has a "dark side", then we know that we have a responsibility to actively manage it for the sake of our kids.

These days, we're actively managing technology.

Related to technology, one non-negotiable value that Melissa and I hold that comes into play here: children should be allowed to enjoy the innocence of childhood for as long as God designed it, regardless of what's going on in the culture.

Unless you've been asleep in a cave for the past fifteen years, simple anecdotal observation affirms that technology, for all of its wonderful benefits, is highly habit-forming and capable of distracting us from relationships.  While some may have the good discipline to resist "screens", many of us don't.  (Pathetically enough, at this very instant, Melissa and I are sitting on the same couch, working away at our own laptops on our own individual projects!  I'd better go and set a timer!)

Our concerns with technology are double-edged.  Not just with its content, but also with its allure -- its strong gravitational pull.  Apparently those concerns are well-founded.

"Technology, and most especially, computers and the Internet, seem to be at best easily overused, and at worst, addictive. The combination of stimulating content, ease of access, convenience, low cost, visual stimulation, autonomy, and anonymity -- all contribute to a highly psychoactive experience ... In other words, these technologies affect the manner in which we live and love.
                                                 ~ Dr. David N. Greenfield

So, as a father, I'm asking myself:  What technology does my child really need access to, and at what developmental stage?

Being a highly-imperfect husband and dad who enjoys writing relationship articles, there's a temptation here to chronicle how Melissa and I manage our kids' screen time.  Quickly coming to our senses, we decided it would be more helpful if we shared what some of our readers are doing, in this age of smart phones, the internet, and social media.

So, we invited input from some subscriber parents who have at least one child, nine-years of age or over.  Here are some highly unscientific statistics from their responses, as well as a minute sampling of the comments they shared with us.  (We've changed the names and places to protect the innocent.)

If you still have children at home, we hope you find some of this helpful.

1.  Cell or Smart Phones:
  • About half of the parent respondents allow no child access to cell phones
  • About a quarter allow some child access with parental restrictions.
  • About a quarter allow unrestricted or unmonitored access by a teenager
  • 60% of the homes with a teen (13+) allow child ownership of a phone
  • Over one-third have a "family" phone, shared among members when a need arises.
Some anonymous parental wisdom we appreciated ...

"We have a home phone and she's welcome to use it.  I know this is sort of old school, but I'm thinking my generation survived without cell phones well past college, so, she might be able to make it to sixth grade without one!"

"We've made it clear that this is a FAMILY cell phone, and not Jennifer's so that she doesn't have a sense of ownership."

"She's a good kid, and has 'the fear of her parents in her."

2.  Internet:
  • Over one-third of parent respondents use an internet content filter (Net Nanny, bsecure and safeeyes were named)
  • Over half do not use a content filter
  • 10% want more information on content filters.
  • One-fifth allow no access for pre-teens and younger
  • Over one-third allow unsupervised teen access in a public area
  • Over half allow time-limited and highly-supervised access by pre-teens and younger
  • Over half mentioned that a public location of the computer is important or essential
More parental insights ...

"... Gavin will click on anything that passes his way, thereby accidentally killing two computers with viruses ..."

"I treat the internet as a tool.  It is a very powerful tool like a drill or a saw, but a tool nonetheless ... As savvy as they are, they are still just kids.  I wouldn't let them use a drill or a saw on their own yet either."

3.  Social Networks:
  • Three-quarters of our parent respondents don't allow young children, pre-teens or teens access to social networking sites.
  • One-quarter allow teen access, providing mom or dad is friended.
  • About 15% allow pre-teen access, providing mom or dad is friended.
A couple of subscriber comments on a child's access to social networking sites, on both sides of the issue ...

"We see it as a royal waste of time and an excuse for expanding shallow virtual relationships rather than building deeper real relationships."

And, from a family temporarily living abroad ...

"It was the most efficient and convenient way for Rebecca to communicate with her friends back in Colorado and for them to meet her (new) friends in Australia ... After having been on Facebook for a year now, I really find it to be a safe method of networking since we have access to her page and her friends' pages."

Please don't take these statistics too seriously, as our casual approach here wouldn't satisfy any generally-accepted research methods.  But don't totally dismiss them, either.  Some of you will enjoy finding yourselves among certain percentages, secure in your approach with your children.  Others of you may be thinking about ways to adjust and improve what you are doing at home.

Given Peace in the Home's mission,we're sensitive to anything that is capable of eroding relationships.  Technology certainly qualifies.  While its benefits are plain to see, its dangers are more subtle, powerful and seductive than many of us are admitting.

Technology is a serious problem when it improves the efficiency of relationship breakdown.  We are the problem when unsupervised or unrestricted access speeds up the process of shattering childhood innocence.  These are good reasons to call into question how we're managing technology, without guilt, and while supporting and encouraging one another.

Two subscribers (and one well-published first century Jew) summarized our thoughts about parenting and technology beautifully:

"Our overarching philosophy is that REAL life is much healthier than VIRTUAL life ... "

"Simply because technology is available does not warrant or presuppose its necessity in our lives."

"... whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."                               ~ Paul of Tarsus

Four items to think about and discuss this month ...

1.  If you are married, think about asking your mate:  "Honey, am I spending too much time with the computer, or staring at my cell phone?

2.  Think about reassessing your children's access to technology by need rather than by their insatiable and fluid desires.  (please see our article, "Please May I Need My Milk" of September, 2009)

3.  Think about what you might be modelling to your children through your own use of technology.  What are they learning by what you do, and by how much time you spend doing it?

4.  Think about whether the way you manage technology truly reflects your target parenting style.  (Authoritarian: Low Support/High Control ... Permissive: High Support/Low Control ... Authoritative: High Support/High Control ... Neglectful: Low Support/Low Control)  Think about which quadrant you see yourself leaning towards on this issue, and whether it's consistent with the style you want to live.

We'd love to hear from more of you on how you manage all of this techno stuff.  Thanks to everyone who shared their insights with us.

Blessings on your homes!

rgp