The new book I'm reading has a cheesy title (as is true of most of my recommendations, I know). It's Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns.
But I'll tell you this: It revealed to me some of the terrible lies we tell ourselves every day for no good reason. These lies beat us down. They don't let up. And they're a bad bad habit we need to break.
Here's the hopeful part. If we learn to listen for and recognize how unfair this "inner voice" can be, we can silence it. And we can learn to perceive life more realistically.
I'm not talking about squelching our conscience; we need that to tell us right from wrong, and so we can live healthy, compassionate, honest lives.
The voice I'm addressing is the one that says, "I'm a PIG." instead of, "I overdid it on the birthday cake today." That one.
Of the ten (10!) ways Dr. Burns says we lie to ourselves -- he calls them mental distortions -- "Overgeneralization" got me the most. That's when we conclude that an unpleasant thing that's happened once or twice is bound to happen over and over again. Suddenly there's no doubt we've fallen into a never-ending pattern of defeat.
Examples:
- I burn the garlic bread, then announce to family and the world, "That's it. I've done it again. I can't be trusted to broil. It's not my calling." FAILURE.
- Directions to a party are unclear and I get turned around on the way there. (True story. Surprising, I know.) "I have a terrible sense of direction. Couldn't find my way out of a paper bag." IDIOT.
- The bank account just won't balance, no matter how many times I go through that hateful statement. "I'm hopeless with money and math. Always have been. It's who I am." STUPID.
- An ill-timed joke results in awkward silence and even the dog looks away. "I should keep my flapping mouth shut. No one wants to hear from me." LOSER.
Ugh.
The sting of rejection comes almost entirely out of overgeneralizing. A friend doesn't have time to reply to your text, a potential romantic interest turns you down, you don't get voted onto the PTA board -- all temporary disappointments UNLESS that internal voice distorts them into:
"Other women don't like me. I'm just too needy."
"No guy would ever want to date me. Why would they? I got nothin."
"I'll never be welcome in that tight group. They're all against me."
And over time. . .these things we tell ourselves again and again begin to define us. So. . .
- What do you say to yourself?
- What undeserved names/offenses/resentments/ grudges/grief are you wearing like an itchy old coat?
- Do you want to keep them?
First, let's admit that annoying, clumsy, disappointing and uncomfortable things happen to everyone. Listen: E-ver-y-one. In this regard, we aren't special.
Second (here's more hope), it is within your power to choose your definitions. We can avoid the exaggerated painful feelings that are based on these lies, and instead tell ourselves the fair, honest truth:
- I'm a good cook and my family enjoys our meals. Sometimes I get distracted doing lots of things at once.
- I go many places and Dallas is The Big D. It's a good idea for me to get clear directions before heading out.
- I'm a stickler for details and like to get things right the first time, but a perfectly balanced checkbook is not the measure of my worth.
- I like to make people laugh and my sense of humor is an essential part of who I am. But it's not for everyone all the time. (Losers.*)
This month I'm speaking on all ten mental distortions that we inflict upon ourselves. You should know them all and call them out for what they are, because believing any of them can result in becoming unreasonably and undeservedly depressed. Just reading through the list was a reality check for me, and a relief.
* That was a joke. ;)
