Love and the Capacity to Love are two of the most enviable of the "strengths" that I talk about so often, and a natural topic for February, don't you think?
The VIA Strength Assessment (take yours for free at www.viacharacter.org) defines this ability as "valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated; being close to people."
But love is not always easy. In fact, many of us struggle with it. We sometimes feel unheard, misunderstood, clumsy at expressing how we feel. Maybe overlooked or outright unworthy. And, I admit, change can be difficult.
Why is love worth it? Why should we work to maintain and strengthen our love relationships? Because they make us happy. Dr. Martin Seligman, author of bestseller Authentic Happiness asserts that committed relationships are "a more potent happiness factor than satisfaction with job, or finances, or community." And as David Myers says in his scrupulously documented American Paradox, "There are few stronger predictors of happiness than a close, nurturing, equitable, intimate, lifelong companionship with one's best friend."
So what are some do-able ways to bring more and better love into our lives? Consider:
Practice Responsive and Attentive Listening - Are you talking and then waiting for your next turn to talk? Most of us do. But harmonious communication requires good listening -- a skill that takes practice and patience.
In order to know and appreciate your loved one to the fullest, go out of your way to understand and then validate what they are saying. Make sure the speaker knows they've been understood ("Mmmm-hmmm," "I understand," "I see what you mean"). If possible, nod in agreement or show sympathy for their situation.
You will get your turn to talk. Especially in times of conflict or emotional strife, take a breath and listen closely before responding. And no interrupting. Save disagreeing for when it is your turn to speak.
Know Love Languages - Exciting AND practical, The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman is one of the best books I've read about how to effectively communicate love. (It's been around a while, so you can even get it at Half-Price Books.)
Which would your partner appreciate more: Hot coffee every morning or a back rub once a week? What feels more like love to you? An hour alone with your spouse or a beautiful card and flowers? This book will reveal how both of you best receive love.
The five love languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation - Also known as praise. My personal favorite.
2. Quality Time - Picnics, vacations, dates and one-on-one conversations make this person's heart sing.
3. Receiving Gifts - Even the smallest token means, "I thought about you today."
4. Acts of Service - Would your partner flip if you cleaned out their car or did the taxes? Mine would.
5. Physical Touch - Not just sex, this means affection: sitting close, a sweet hug, brushing her hair, sharing a warm blanket.
There is no right answer, but do you know each other's right answers?
Remember the Good, Celebrate the Best - What is the best that your partner is capable of? Do you encourage and recognize them for their strengths? Or do you see fewer virtues in your spouse than others do? Do you focus on their weaknesses?
Remember the idealized image you had of your partner when you first fell in love? Spend some time and think back to what you loved the most about them. (Integrity? Humor? Curiosity?) Choose your favorite three characteristics and write out for yourself how they enrich your relationship now, today. Then speak up! Let your partner know how their strengths make your life better.
Love is the topic of my next talk (see left sidebar for more info.) I hope you'll join me in learning to celebrate and amplify what we love most about the people in our lives.
