"I'm in trouble".
 
            "I didn't pick up after myself this morning".
 
            "I HATE making cold calls".
 
When you open your mouth to speak, chances are you'll be speaking from the "Victim" corner of our friend the "Drama Triangle".  From this position, you stand an excellent chance of eliciting a "Persecutor" response (perhaps your expectation), or a "Rescuer" response, both of which can also soundly confirm your "Victim" status.  And you're off and running with the drama.
 
Maybe the tape is saying:
 
            "Tell him you quit.  He doesn't deserve your efforts".
 
            "Why is the kitchen always such a mess?"
 
            "You're too stupid to use my product anyway".
 
...and you enter from the "Persecutor" corner....most likely eliciting a "Victim", or a switched over "Persecutor" which then flips you to the Victim role.  Are you seeing how this can happen?
 
A third possibility is:
 
            "I'll stay late and get that report done so you can coach the soccer game tonight".
 
            "Turn here....then go past the light...slow down!"
 
            "Sure.  I'll do all the engineering reports so you can take it to your committee and think about it".
 
You guessed it.  You're entering through the Rescuer portal.
 
All three of these entries are generated from our "Knower/Judger" mode, where we've developed patterns from our past that we execute pretty much without thinking.  In our day-to-day lives it can be quite difficult to catch these things and change the outcomes (usually pretty predictable) of these conversations.  When we enter the Triangle as a Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer, most of our acquaintance's Knower/Judger modes are programmed to respond from one of the other positions.

One method for staying  present and avoiding these self-fulfilling conversation starters (assuming you find value in changing the outcomes of these interactions) is to wipe the slate clean before entering.  Zap the memory chip.  Hose the thought out of your mind.  NO EXPECTATIONS. 


Here's a little exercise for you.  Track your interactions that end up in a "drama" (or simply increased stress) over the next couple of days.  Did you enter "knowing" where the conversation was going?  Was that tape playing in your head, that message on your blackboard just before you opened your mouth?
 
A tool I use for flushing these anticipations is Ho'oponopono.  Ho'oponopono's success at accomplishing this rests on understanding that we are connected to and bear accountability for everything and everyone else.  We are so connected to others that we cannot make a change in us without affecting a change in others (and the outcomes of conversations with others).  A simple affirmation, just before engaging in a conversation (or picking up the phone, or lining up the putt) can turn down the volume and shut off the lights of that repetitive message in your head.  Wipe the blackboard clean.
 
 
While it appears you would be reciting this to your about-to-be conversation partner, Ho'oponopono tells us we're really reciting it to ourselves and the world we're connected to.  Who should we possibly love more?  Why be sorry?  For all the past drama triangles we've blindly entered into, the graceless mutterings that we'd like to take back, or the ignorant prejudicial actions we've taken against all other beings and matter on the planet. 
 
Asking for forgiveness usually puts us in a different place anytime we do it....we back up from a position of power and expectation and allow the world to happen.
 
And a clear "thank you" is just good manners.  It puts you right with the world. 
 
Honestly.  Can you say that affirmation and retain the tape playing in your head?  I dare you!  Next time you're called into your boss's office, or approach a family conversation or even knock on a prospect's door....I challenge you to try it.  There is no message of fear on a silent tape or a clean blackboard.
 
 
Then start the conversation...I'm betting it will be MUCH different than your past patterns would predict.   

Invest a little over a minute to watch this video clip and understand all the greatness and successes we can miss in our lives when we magnify our failures.
 
Embrace the occurrences that don't meet your expectations and use them as launching pads.  They are simply data.  They are part of the process.

   "Celtic spirituality was a practice in which ordinary people in their daily lives took the tasks that lay to hand but treated them sacramentally, as pointing to a greater reality which lay beyond them.
   ...As we watch these people and listen to them, it is tempting to put the blame for our own lack of everyday piety on a society in which time has been conquered and technology determines the way we run our lives. But the loss ultimately lies within ourselves. Ironically, when travel and the media have blown all horizons wide open, our own inner horizons seem to have become narrower and our vision contracted. How can we find again the seeing eye and the feeling touch?
   Essentially this is a spirituality which asks of us a return to greater awareness...What the Celtic understanding brings us is the chance to break down the barrier between the active and the contemplative life and instead to make the busy, boring, relentless daily life tasks the basis for continuous praying and for finding the presence of God...
   Perhaps the first step is that we really should want to unearth God in our midst...Yet, if we can rediscover this vision, then we too may be able to transform what lies to hand, let the mundane become the edge of glory, and find the extraordinary in the ordinary."
                                   © Appleseeds, Franciscan University of Steubenville.

How often do we address the duties of our lives as "getting in the way". Perhaps we can again find, "the seeing eye and the feeling touch", as Esther de Waal suggests.  Then we too can find presence, clarity, and the ability to re-create our reality from time pressure and text messaging into connecting and community.