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High Definition Trust, Understanding and Camaraderie
Reduce Struggle Dissipate Conflict Improve Relationships Relieve Stress

Volume 3    Issue 3                                                                                                    March, 2010
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In This Issue
FEAR? Wipe the Slate Clean
Failure - The Red Conversation with Yourself
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Why Clarity.....
....and why now?

We can no longer fathom watching standard definition TV broadcasts.  We HAVE to view our sporting events, National Geographic programming and late night comedy in HD -- High Definition. 

HDClarity is an e-zine for those wanting to develop more trust, understanding and camaraderie in their work environment, and their life in general.  A smoother running team is a more profitable team.  They get things done faster, for less cost.  If you'd like to discover methods for developing High Definition Clarity in your daily life, please read on. 
"Many of our fears are tissue-paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them". 

Brendan Francis
FEAR? Wipe the Slate Clean

Not again!  We go through this every $%#@&!* time!!! 

Ever notice how the arguments and conflicts we engage in usually go the same way over and over again?
Here's an easy-to-use tool for avoiding the drama triangle. (see the January issue and February issue to learn more about the Drama Triangle).
Think about this.  You're about to enter into a conversation with:
            The boss
            Your spouse
            A sales prospect
What thoughts go through your mind?  Are you playing a tape of expectations?  Is your blackboard full of a mish-mash of possibilities?  Frequently that voice in your head....that interfering thought conjures up FEAR .


            "I'm in trouble".
            "I didn't pick up after myself this morning".
            "I HATE making cold calls".
When you open your mouth to speak, chances are you'll be speaking from the "Victim" corner of our friend the "Drama Triangle".  From this position, you stand an excellent chance of eliciting a "Persecutor" response (perhaps your expectation), or a "Rescuer" response, both of which can also soundly confirm your "Victim" status.  And you're off and running with the drama.
Maybe the tape is saying:
            "Tell him you quit.  He doesn't deserve your efforts".
            "Why is the kitchen always such a mess?"
            "You're too stupid to use my product anyway".
...and you enter from the "Persecutor" corner....most likely eliciting a "Victim", or a switched over "Persecutor" which then flips you to the Victim role.  Are you seeing how this can happen?
A third possibility is:
            "I'll stay late and get that report done so you can coach the soccer game tonight".
            "Turn here....then go past the light...slow down!"
            "Sure.  I'll do all the engineering reports so you can take it to your committee and think about it".
You guessed it.  You're entering through the Rescuer portal.
All three of these entries are generated from our "Knower/Judger" mode, where we've developed patterns from our past that we execute pretty much without thinking.  In our day-to-day lives it can be quite difficult to catch these things and change the outcomes (usually pretty predictable) of these conversations.  When we enter the Triangle as a Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer, most of our acquaintance's Knower/Judger modes are programmed to respond from one of the other positions.

One method for stayingFears erased  present and avoiding these self-fulfilling conversation starters (assuming you find value in changing the outcomes of these interactions) is to wipe the slate clean before entering.  Zap the memory chip.  Hose the thought out of your mind.  NO EXPECTATIONS

Here's a little exercise for you.  Track your interactions that end up in a "drama" (or simply increased stress) over the next couple of days.  Did you enter "knowing" where the conversation was going?  Was that tape playing in your head, that message on your blackboard just before you opened your mouth?
A tool I use for flushing these anticipations is Ho'oponopono.  Ho'oponopono's success at accomplishing this rests on understanding that we are connected to and bear accountability for everything and everyone else.  We are so connected to others that we cannot make a change in us without affecting a change in others (and the outcomes of conversations with others).  A simple affirmation, just before engaging in a conversation (or picking up the phone, or lining up the putt) can turn down the volume and shut off the lights of that repetitive message in your head.  Wipe the blackboard clean.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
While it appears you would be reciting this to your about-to-be conversation partner, Ho'oponopono tells us we're really reciting it to ourselves and the world we're connected to.  Who should we possibly love more?  Why be sorry?  For all the past drama triangles we've blindly entered into, the graceless mutterings that we'd like to take back, or the ignorant prejudicial actions we've taken against all other beings and matter on the planet. 
Asking for forgiveness usually puts us in a different place anytime we do it....we back up from a position of power and expectation and allow the world to happen.
And a clear "thank you" is just good manners.  It puts you right with the world. 
Honestly.  Can you say that affirmation and retain the tape playing in your head?  I dare you!  Next time you're called into your boss's office, or approach a family conversation or even knock on a prospect's door....I challenge you to try it.  There is no message of fear on a silent tape or a clean blackboard.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
Then start the conversation...I'm betting it will be MUCH different than your past patterns would predict.   
Failure - The Red Conversation within yourself (learn about Red Conversation and Green Conversation)

Eisenhower Failure

"Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and place was based upon the best information available. The troops, the Air and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone."
            - Memo composed by General Eisenhower, 5 June 1944.

How do you feel when you come up short?  Miss a deadline.  Don't win.  Miss that putt.  Some of us hear the voices of our parents and mentors of the past admonishing us to do better.  Others tend to project that shortcoming into their futures.  Both of these reactions are clearly rooted in our Knower/Judger...they are judgments of our self-worth from our past, or projections into our future from our "victim" understanding of life.  They make a quick comparison of our prowess against some other model (and usually come up wanting).  Others take it simply as a lesson....data to be used to do better next time.  They realize it as just a part of a process, and not an affirmation of low achievement.

Thomas Edison
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work"   Thomas Edison

Invest a little over a minute to watch this video clip and understand all the greatness and successes we can miss in our lives when we magnify our failures.
Embrace the occurrences that don't meet your expectations and use them as launching pads.  They are simply data.  They are part of the process.

I found this thought while in search of something Irish or Celtic to celebrate St. Pat's Day (and I'm Dutch!).  It's about creating our own reality in simply how we manage our day-to-day existence.. 
May the road rise up ...  etc.  etc..

Esther de Waal
WEAVINGS, June 1987


   "Celtic spirituality was a practice in which ordinary people in their daily lives took the tasks that lay to hand but treated them sacramentally, as pointing to a greater reality which lay beyond them.
   ...As we watch these people and listen to them, it is tempting to put the blame for our own lack of everyday piety on a society in which time has been conquered and technology determines the way we run our lives. But the loss ultimately lies within ourselves. Ironically, when travel and the media have blown all horizons wide open, our own inner horizons seem to have become narrower and our vision contracted. How can we find again the seeing eye and the feeling touch?
   Essentially this is a spirituality which asks of us a return to greater awareness...What the Celtic understanding brings us is the chance to break down the barrier between the active and the contemplative life and instead to make the busy, boring, relentless daily life tasks the basis for continuous praying and for finding the presence of God...
   Perhaps the first step is that we really should want to unearth God in our midst...Yet, if we can rediscover this vision, then we too may be able to transform what lies to hand, let the mundane become the edge of glory, and find the extraordinary in the ordinary."
                                   Appleseeds, Franciscan University of Steubenville.

How often do we address the duties of our lives as "getting in the way". Perhaps we can again find, "the seeing eye and the feeling touch", as Esther de Waal suggests.  Then we too can find presence, clarity, and the ability to re-create our reality from time pressure and text messaging into connecting and community.

There is a clear and present danger.....when you are neither clear nor present.
Saving the planet one conversation at a time,

Kim DeMotte
Power of NO, Corporate CoDriver
(877) 245-8250