pick up after myself this morning".
making cold calls".
When you open your mouth to speak, chances are you'll be
speaking from the "Victim" corner of our friend the "Drama Triangle". From this position, you stand an excellent
chance of eliciting a "Persecutor" response (perhaps your expectation), or a
"Rescuer" response, both of which can also soundly confirm your "Victim" status. And you're off and running with the drama.
Maybe the tape is saying:
you quit. He doesn't deserve your
"Why is the
kitchen always such a mess?"
stupid to use my product anyway".
...and you enter from the "Persecutor" corner....most likely
eliciting a "Victim", or a switched over "Persecutor" which then flips you
the Victim role. Are you seeing how this
A third possibility is:
late and get that report done so you can coach the soccer game tonight".
here....then go past the light...slow down
"Sure. I'll do all the engineering reports so you
can take it to your committee and think about it".
You guessed it.
You're entering through the Rescuer portal.
All three of these entries are generated from our
"Knower/Judger" mode, where we've developed patterns from our past that we
execute pretty much without thinking. In
our day-to-day lives it can be quite difficult to catch these things and change
the outcomes (usually pretty predictable) of these conversations. When we enter the Triangle as a Victim, Persecutor, or
Rescuer, most of our acquaintance's Knower/Judger modes are programmed to
respond from one of the other positions.
One method for staying
present and avoiding these
self-fulfilling conversation starters (assuming you find value in changing the
outcomes of these interactions) is to wipe the slate clean before
entering. Zap the
memory chip. Hose the thought out of your
mind. NO EXPECTATIONS
Here's a little exercise for you. Track your interactions that end up in a
"drama" (or simply increased stress) over the next couple of days. Did you enter "knowing" where the
conversation was going? Was that tape
playing in your head, that message on your blackboard just before you opened
A tool I use for flushing these anticipations is Ho'oponopono
. Ho'oponopono's success at
accomplishing this rests on understanding that we are
connected to and bear accountability for everything and everyone else. We are so connected to others that we cannot make a change in us without affecting a change in others (and the outcomes of conversations with others). A simple affirmation,
just before engaging in a conversation (or picking up the phone, or lining up
the putt) can turn down the volume and shut off the lights of that repetitive message
in your head. Wipe the blackboard clean.
I love you.
While it appears you would be reciting this to
about-to-be conversation partner, Ho'oponopono tells us we're really reciting
it to ourselves and the world we're connected to. Who should we possibly love more? Why be sorry?
For all the past drama triangles we've blindly entered into, the
graceless mutterings that we'd like to take back, or the ignorant prejudicial
actions we've taken against all other beings and matter on the planet.
Asking for forgiveness usually puts us in a different place
anytime we do it....we back up from a position of power and expectation and allow
the world to happen.
And a clear "thank you" is just good manners. It puts you right with the world.
Honestly. Can you say
that affirmation and retain the tape playing in your head? I dare you!
Next time you're called into your boss's office, or approach a family
conversation or even knock on a prospect's door....I challenge you to try it. There is no message of fear on a silent tape or a clean blackboard.
I love you.
Please forgive me.
Then start the conversation...I'm betting it will be MUCH
different than your past patterns would predict.