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High Definition Trust, Understanding and Camaraderie
Reduce Struggle Dissipate Conflict Improve Relationships Relieve Stress


Volume 3    Issue 1                                                                                                 January, 2010
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In This Issue
Why's I do THAT again?
Creating our own Reality -- The Blind Side
Review - Clarity Summit, St. Louis
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....and why now?
Greetings!

We can no longer fathom watching standard definition TV broadcasts.  We HAVE to view our sporting events, National Geographic programming and late night comedy in HD -- High Definition. 

HDClarity is an e-zine for those wanting to develop more trust, understanding and camaraderie in their work environment, and their life in general.  A smoother running team is a more profitable team.  They get things done faster, for less cost.  If you'd like to discover methods for developing High Definition Clarity in your daily life, please read on. 
 
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Gordon Brown
John Prescott, ex- British Deputy Prime Minister, has invited current British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his predecessor, Tony Blair to his flat for a dinner party...

John Prescott: "What's the matter, Gordon?"
Gordon Brown: "Sorry. Would you mind. Could I get another chair."
John Prescott: "What's wrong with it?"
Gordon Brown: "It's too low."
John Prescott: "Right, try this one, Gordon."
John Prescott: "Tony, are you too high or too low?"
Tony Blair: "Gordon's always looked down on me - I wouldn't want to change that!"
Tony Blair                                                        
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"Why'd I do that again?"
 
Most of us find ourselves in repeated patterns of conversation. Many of these are harmless and can even serve us well. But after some conversations, we end up, palm pounding forehead, exclaiming: "Why'd I do that again?"  
 
I use a descriptive device known as the Drama Triangle to explain some of these scenes. The Drama Triangle is usually attributed to Dr. Stephen Karpman, MD, although it has taken on a life of its own since first referenced by Eric Berne (Games People Play, 1964) and is generally considered to be in the public domain today.

 
Drama Triangle
 
 
Pattern repetition can frequently be visually traced on the above diagram. For example, a conversation between a father and his irreverent son can often look like a conversation between a Persecutor and a Victim.
 
"When are you going to pull your pants up and become a productive citizen?"
 
Everybody in these interactions gets something from them. The father gets to be right. The son gets to confirm his worthlessness: "Oh please, kick me." And the drama plays out.
 
Then let's say Mom butts in and defends Junior, from the Rescuer position on the triangle.
 
"Junior, it's OK to dress like you want to. I understand it's just a phase."
 
Now Junior gets to coo, figuratively crawl back in Mom's lap and feel sorry for himself. "Poor me."
 
Then Dad barks at Mom for not backing him, and guess what?
 
"Are you kiddin', Jean? This kid's a disgrace, and I can't believe you're       defending him!"
 
Now Mom's placed in the "one-down" position and takes her appropriate seat at the Victim corner with Jr.
 
Her part of the game is a little more complex than Dad's or Junior's. She has two roles she has to play to get her due reward. First, she has to come to Junior's rescue, which she clearly understands will land her, second, in the comfortable "kick me" Victim corner.
 
Drama happens because people move from one corner of the triangle to another. Alcoholics frequently move from Victim ("I can't shake this addiction. Woe is me.") to Persecutor ("Give me that damned bottle. I know what I'm doing.") to Rescuer ("I'll give this all up so we can stay together.") again...and again...and again....  Family and office dramas will see a member move from Victim to Persecutor ("I can't take it any more") and frequently from Persecutor to Rescuer ("I'll take care of you, you poor worthless soul").
 
As an experiment, next time you observe two people (office, family, team) repeating a pattern, observing from your Learner/Researcher with no Knower/Judger judgment, make an effort to note where the players are in the triangle as the drama unfolds. Then see if it doesn't happen the same way again...and again....and again....
 
Here's the lesson. When you're "in the triangle," involved in some repeated pattern dance between your K/J and someone else's, you're in red conversation. My observations are that the outcome of red conversation is at best neutral, and at worst disastrous. By observing others "in the triangle" and avoiding the drama, you can safely consider yourself in your L/J and green, encouraging quality, sustainable, renewable relationships. (More next month on how to escape the triangle when you observe yourself participating.)
 
If you can put yourself in a position to observe these interactions with no judgment and no expectations, you're ahead of 90% of the crowd and well on your way to Clarity.
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The Blind Side

Michael Oher

In the April issue of HDClarity, I introduced you to Ho'oponopono, the Hawaiian Shaman concept that we are individually responsible for what happens to us and everything that surrounds us. The Michael Oher story, told in the movie The Blind Side, is a very real and very current example of how we as individuals can affect our environment.
 
Michael Oher was just another homeless black kid from the wrong side of the Memphis tracks. One of twelve children born to Denise Oher, a crack cocaine addict, Michael received little constructive attention during his formative years. His father, a former cellmate of Denise Oher's brother, was murdered while Michael was a senior in high school.
 
Michael had been in and out of foster care most of his life. His education was nonexistent. He repeated both first grade and second grade, and attended eleven different schools during his first nine years in the Memphis public school system. He also alternated between various foster homes and periods of homelessness before he was sixteen years old.The individuals who surrounded him (parents, teachers, neighbors) allowed him to fill their preconceived model of what Michael was.
 
By a quirk of fate, Michael found himself at a private high school in Memphis, where he continued to drift from home to home, sometimes even sleeping in the school's gymnasium. Eventually, Michael was adopted by a wealthy white Memphis family. We can question why the Touhy family decided to adopt him, but not how things worked out.
 
Michael went through a cataclysmic change from a homeless kid in shorts and a T-shirt wandering the streets of Memphis in the snow to a privileged private high school student. His new rather WASP-ish environment could easily have looked at this silent, black giant and been afraid, or distrustful, or angry. But mostly they just looked at him as a human being in need of a new identity.
 
A formative underpinning of Ho'oponopono is the idea that we connect with the whole world around us (with an assumption that we are all connected and responsible for each other and everything that happens to all of us). While not even aware of any Ho'oponopono lore, the Touhy family placed Michael in an environment that repeatedly told him:
 
      I love you.
      I'm sorry.
      Please forgive me.
      Thank you.
 
When Michael left the public school system for private school (on a scholarship), he possessed a 0.6 grade point average. He had been pigeonholed because everybody in his world knew who he was and how he would turn out.
 
Is this paining you yet? Even a little?
 
The rest, of course, is history. Michael Oher withdrew his name from the 2008 NFL draft to finish his senior year at Old Miss, graduating on the honor roll with a degree in criminal justice, and signed as a first round draft pick with the Baltimore Ravens for $13.8 million (for those of you who measure success by that ruler).
 
Consider for a moment that we might just be what people say we are...performing up to or down to their expectations. And beyond that, without direct conversation to confirm or deny those measurements (Clarity?), we might well be what we think people say we are. Without human stroking--affirmation--we remain the Michael Oher of the Memphis streets...or whatever we are now that we're not totally satisfied with.
 
Look around you. Who's at your office...at your school...at your church who you have some concrete opinions about? Are they really that way? Really? Or do you make them that way by your thoughts, possibly aligned with the thoughts of others? Could you hear yourself repeating the Ho'oponopono mantra to them? What would change?
 
You're responsible.

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Clarity Summit -- St. Louis

At the Summit

Two weekends ago, an intrepid group of personal explorers put their entire foundation of Knowledge at risk and were introduced to Clarity tools that will change their lives for the good, if that's what they want.

 
The weekend was spattered with personal "aha's" of Clarity (usually after vehement defenses of individual statuses quo), which left the lesson that effecting personal change can be visualized as a rebirth...a struggling passage through the birth canal and a big slap on the butt!
 
"The exact moment everything came together and 'it happened,' I cannot say."
 
"Learning by watching the concepts be applied to real events was very helpful."
 
"My first meeting at ten to discuss a large potential partnership thought I had an aura around me. I just smiled and agreed."
 
"I just wanted you to tell me what I should be doing...and you wouldn't do that!"
 
"Instead of first reading the paper this (Monday) morning I started reviewing the materials in my binder. Good stuff."
 
"Now that my appetite has been whetted, I am hungry for more."
 
The group has decided to form a telephone bridge call (time and day to be decided) to continue the process of arriving at individual Clarity. Having done exactly that for five years with Jut Meininger (author of How to Run Your Own Life, 1976), I can't think of a better way...but my Learner/Researcher is still open to suggestions!
 
From the facilitator's point of view, I was singularly struck with the ability of participants to observe themselves and their fellow explorers popping in and out of Clarity. One minute they'd be cruising along in their L/R mode, and the next would (to use a word I just learned from Patrick Dean, VP of Education at Klemmer & Associates) dexify (meaning DEfend, EXplain and JustIFY) their Knower/Judger position on some point of personal knowledge. This was an eye-opener for everybody. When we're dexifying, we're not open to new data, we're close-minded, and we're not engaged in a green conversation.
 
I'm very happy to say there are several new clear individuals walking around, some even with auras around them, who are probably engaging in very different (and greener) conversations with those they work with and love. May it continue and grow.
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There is a clear and present danger.....when you are neither clear nor present.
 
Saving the planet one conversation at a time,
 

Kim DeMotte
Power of NO, Corporate CoDriver
kim@corporatecodriver.com
www.corporatecodriver.com
(877) 245-8250