HDClarity Logo
High Definition Trust, Understanding and Camaraderie
Reduce Struggle · Dissipate Conflict · Improve Relationships · Relieve Stress

Volume 3    Issue 2                                                                                                 February, 2010
           CCD Logo2
In This Issue
Escape the Triangle
Maybe so, maybe not
Who dat?
Join Our Mailing List
Why Clarity.....
....and why now?

We can no longer fathom watching standard definition TV broadcasts.  We HAVE to view our sporting events, National Geographic programming and late night comedy in HD -- High Definition. 

HDClarity is an e-zine for those wanting to develop more trust, understanding and camaraderie in their work environment, and their life in general.  A smoother running team is a more profitable team.  They get things done faster, for less cost.  If you'd like to discover methods for developing High Definition Clarity in your daily life, please read on. 

"Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others."                  

                                                                                             Wayne Dyer                     

Escape the Triangle

Ever said "I just knew that was going to happen"?        
You knew that was going to happen because it's happened before. Last month we talked about the Drama Triangle and how repeated patterns occur among individuals who interact regularly. When these repeated patterns occur, we see individuals in one of three positions in the transaction: the victim, the persecutor, or the rescuer. 
For many of us, playing out these scenarios provides some degree of belonging and comfort. If that's you, then you don't need to read any further. But for many others, being stuck in these roles and patterns is a constant source of irritation.
Luckily, there are things you can do to free yourself from the Drama Triangle forever.
It is easiest to recognize that you're caught in the triangle when you have been stuck in the role of victim. When this happens, there are two things you can do.
Go Further In
Triangle Center
The most effective action is to turn down the volume on your feeling of victimization. We call this moving toward the center of the triangle.
When you don't play your part as victim well enough to elicit strong persecutor or rescuer interactions, all participants move closer to the center of the triangle.
Moving toward the center requires a lot of awareness of your feelings. To accomplish this, you usually have to possess the ability to excise yourself from the drama and observe it from a third-party perspective.
Get Out
A second response is toTriangle_Fractureddisconnect the triangle. This may actually be easier because there are no "volume" controls to adjust. There's just an on and off switch.
Leave. Don't play. Remove yourself. It can feel clumsy, but simply not engaging in the repeated pattern is an assertive response to the developing drama. When one player leaves, the entire triangle crumbles...the connections are broken. And when you don't play your part, the other party is stuck searching for some other role to play. 

One caveat. Whether you try to exit the triangle or move to the center, don't be surprised if the other party cranks up the volume of his or her role...as if you didn't hear them. Because the other party will believe that you didn't hear. "Surely you understand how you are supposed to act, right? So I must be louder, more forceful."
These escape patterns work if you find yourself in the victim role. This is usually the role most people want to get out of. But some of us recognize that we spend a great deal of our lives in either the persecutor or rescuer role. What about us?
Same advice. If you decide at some point that playing group critic or corporate Florence Nightingale is not serving you well, then tone it down (move to the center) or bail out, making the choice to quit playing that role.
Maybe so, maybe not.
- Ancient Taoist Proverb
Chinese Wisdom
One day, a farmer's horse ran away. His neighbors expressed sympathy. "What terrible luck that you lost your horse!" The farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not."

A few days later, the horse returned, leading several wild horses. The neighbors shouted, "Your horse has returned, and brought more with him. What great fortune!" The farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not."

Later that week, the farmer's son was trying to break one of the wild horses and got thrown to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, "Your son broke his leg. What a calamity!" The farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not."

A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, conscripting all the able-bodied young men. They did not take the farmer's son because of his broken leg. Friends shouted, "Your boy is spared. What tremendous luck!" To which the farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not."
When we judge something to be "good" or "bad," "right" or "wrong," we are most likely referencing our Knower/Judger understanding of the world, comparing the occurrence against our history. If we switch to a Learner/Researcher understanding, we can see that our Knower/Judger assessment of the world always lacks some information that, if known, could alter our perception totally.
Consequently, what folly it is to assign values of "good" and "bad," "right" and "wrong," to the occurrences in our lives.
Who dat?

If there was ever a story about creating one's own reality en masse, this year's Super Bowl was it.
We all love underdogs, and the New Orleans Saints were underdogs in every sense of the word. The bookmakers gave a five-point advantage to the Indianapolis Colts.
If you watched the first quarter, it seemed like the pundits were right. Ten unanswered points by Indianapolis. The only things worth hanging around for were the commercials.
But then, as if by destiny, the tide began to turn. Before the end of the half, the Saints had clawed back two field goals and went into the locker room a mere four points down...under the Las Vegas spread.
And then all hell broke loose. Saints coach Sean Payton knew his team had everything to gain and nothing to lose. He shocked the Colts and the fans by executing the perfect onside kick. That had never been done in Super Bowl history in any other than the fourth quarter. It's a desperation move, not an assertive strategy!
A stunned Indianapolis team watched Saints quarterback Drew Brees march his team down the field for an easy touchdown. By the end of the third quarter, Garret Hartley had kicked his third field goal of over 40 yards-a Super Bowl record-and the gritty Saints were within one point of the mighty Colts.
In the fourth quarter, Indianapolis was back on its feet. Yet the Saints were able to not only score a touchdown, but after review of the two-point conversion play, put the game into a two-score situation for Indianapolis. They now led 24 to 17. 
Was this really possible? No one expected this. Those of us who cheer for the underdog were going nuts. Did anybody even see most of the commercials during the second half?

Then came the coup de grâce. As Peyton Manning marched the Colts downfield for the certain touchdown that would put the game into an overtime tie, Tracy Porter stepped in front of the Colts' Reggie Wayne, picked off the pass, and scored an easy (if there is such a thing) 74-yard touchdown to seal the deal. The rest, of course, is history
What's the lesson? It pays to be ready for good things to happen...to be open to improbable outcomes. When you ignore what others expect and create your own reality, you just might amaze the world.
In the post-game interviews, the word "destiny" spilled from almost every mouth, from coach to quarterback to defensive lineman. The Saints were clearly playing for something bigger than a Super Bowl win. And not only were they ready for good things to happen, they expected them to happen.
Create your own reality. Expect good things to happen and prepare to be amazed.

There is a clear and present danger.....when you are neither clear nor present.
Saving the planet one conversation at a time,

Kim DeMotte
Power of NO, Corporate CoDriver
(877) 245-8250