Time and again I see the value of a strong personal connection, and the relief it can bring. In almost every one of my coaching sessions, no matter the goal -- to inspire motivation for school, confidence at work, recover from debt -- clients inevitably express a desire for closer and more meaningful relationships.
We want to be understood, accepted and enjoyed by the people we like.
Why is it sometimes so difficult to maintain genuine connections with friends and loved ones? We work and save, clean and cook, drive and do all manner of chores, moving heaven and earth so that we can afford to spend time with those we care about, only to feel awkward or misjudged, isolated.
If this resonates, I challenge you this week to choose one person with whom you want a better connection, and then try practicing this potent combination of attention-giving, called out by Daniel Goleman in his bestseller,
Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence.
Cognitive empathy - Understanding another person's ways of seeing and thinking. How: Be curious about a day in their outer, physical world. Imagine living their life, seeing through their eyes, walking in their shoes. Without judgement, use this information to intuit why they make the choices they make.
Example: "Dad was raised in the depression, and therefore is reluctant to spend money."
Emotional empathy - Sensing your loved one's inner, emotional world. How: Watch very closely for facial cues, tone of voice, gestures, loaded language. Think about what you feel like when YOU make the same gestures, use the same phrases. Discern what they are feeling, without judgement.
Example: "Although she says everything is fine, Dana's brow is furrowed and she's picking at her nails. I do that when I feel worried. She might be worried."
Empathic concern - This is compassion. How: Genuinely care about what you discover in the outer and inner workings of your loved one. To be sure, this skill is a double-edged sword. Employ it and you'll become closer, and better understand and feel their joys, but also their pain.
Example: "Holly just got accepted into medical school and is proud of herself and her accomplishments. I feel proud along with her and let her know it."
The trick is to be okay with momentarily releasing your own desire to be heard, and just collecting information. Be open to taking in and examining whatever you find. Fully tune in with your ears, your eyes and your heart. Remember, you're not here to build a case or win an argument; the goal is to deeply know and feel along with someone you care about.
If you aren't accustomed to listening so closely, join the club! Most of us are so busy in our own thoughts that we don't take time for this heightened level of attentiveness, but I assure you, by suspending your own judgements, you'll learn about your loved one and yourself. And don't be discouraged if it's difficult. This level of focus takes energy and practice.
If you want to sharpen your focus in any area of life, I hope you'll attend my next free LifeInspired group coaching session (see sidebar). It's designed to help you listen carefully to yourself. I would love to see you there.
