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The Grey Town Gazette |
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News from the Urban Sprawl
April-May 2010
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Election Fever!
Special Lightweight Edition for a Lightweight Election!
Fat Chance! |
Well its nearly here! The time when we get the chance to elect a new government! Gosh!
Here at the GTG we're so excited we can hardly contain ourselves.
Who should we choose?
The dull incompetents who've spent the last 13 years messing things up? We don't think so.
Or the nice-talking blue party that used to be known for its tough (and currently rather appropriate) policies, but is now run by Mr PC-Nice-Man? Perhaps.
Or that other lot who have a passable Front Man but a lack-lustre Backing Group. Hardly.
Great choice! Thank goodness we're now just a Provence of Europe and it doesn't really matter.
At least we can trust those clever people who run the Euro Zone to keep the lights on....hmm
Or do we mean the IMF?
Ed
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Enviro-mental
Election Special Edition: an Appeal to the New Government
Are you concerned about your impact on the environment?
Do you want to help save the planet?
Well, the GTG shares your concerns. That's why we publish this monthly column bringing you practical tips from the world of Climate Theology on how you can help save the world.
But in this special election issue we're raising the game, and not just showing you how to save the planet, but making a direct appeal to the new government to commit to taking action on our behalf.
E-mental Tip 8:
Strategic Garbage Reserves
Household and Industrial Rubbish is a valuable National Resource, far too valuable to be frittered away in Chinese recycling plants or burnt in incinerators.
The metals, chemicals and materials making up the rubbish will increase in value as the world's resources become more and more rare.
It makes sense to bury these treasures in the ground for safe keeping until the day in the future when their price makes mining and extracting them a cost-effective option, bringing not only resources, but jobs and security to future generations.
Politicians Listen!
So,the GTG says to the next government: come on guys - its time: time to have a national network of Strategic Garbage Reserves where we can store these valuable resources for future generations.
You can help to!
This isn't something we should just leave to politicians. We can all make a contribution. Think of the future. Think of your children - don't recycle it, chuck it!
Send us your tips:
Do you have any helpful tips you'd like to share with other readers? We welcome your contribution - remember it will be easier to save the planet if we all work together!
Please email suggestions to the Editor |
Theobabble
a Thought for Today
Today's Theobabble is from somebody who holidays on Germany's Baltic coast:
See Me Not |
A Case of Indecent Non-Exposure?
" There's a lot of fuss going on in Europe on the subject of whether or not women should be allowed to wear face covering garments - such as burkas and niqabs.
On the one side some people argue that the garments are an affront to women's rights, whilst predictably others argue that it would be an infringement of their rights to prevent them wearing them if they wish.
Opponents of a ban argue that it would set a precedent. But that precedent is already set.We live in a society that already regulates what people can or can't wear on the basis of whether or not it offends public sensibilities
Its already against the law to wear no clothes in public, or for that matter to display certain vital parts that are entirely natural. Presumably this is to protect the sensibilities of the general public. But few people worry about the rights of naturalists.
So what's the difference in principal?
Being in public completely covered could be viewed as a case of indecent non-exposure and treated as such"
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Election Special
Campaign Highlights
The GTG has been following the election campaign up and down and across the nation, and here we've listed just some of the exciting, serious, and just plain funny highlights:
Phew, democracy in action: it makes you proud to be British! |
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May-Day, London - Key Workers Want More |
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Tories Hope to Win
Labour Hopes to Survive
Lib-Dems Hope its Real
Voters Hope they'll Go Away
Which way to the Polling Station?
Britain's main political parties and the newly popular Lib-Dems have published their manifestos, their leading mascots have performed on stage, and as we write, their loyal flunkies are running up and down the country promoting themselves to a grateful electorate.
Voters' Guide
As a service to our readers the Grey Town Gazette has trawled through the details of each party's' proposals and put together the following updated Voters' Guide*.
Please feel free to cut it out and use it as your definitive election reference!
Labour
Increase Taxes
Cut Public Services
Increase MP's Pay
Blame it on the Bankers
Ace card: some people remember Margaret Thatcher
Tories
Increase Taxes
Cut Public Services
Increase MP's Pay
Blame it on Labour
Ace card: everybody knows Gordon Brown
Lib-Dems
Increase Taxes
Cut Public Services
Increase MPs pay
Blame it on everybody else
Ace card: nobody remembers David Lloyd George
Background for younger readers:
General Elections are a quaint legacy of the days when Britain used to govern itself. They were an opportunity for political parties to present their policies to the British electorate so that voters could choose the government they wanted to run the country. But since Britain became more and more involved in the 'European Ideal' this old-fashioned concept of democracy has become less relevant. Today we have moved on, and Britain is ruled under the traditional European system of an unelected political elite.Today, Britain's General Elections are essentially a substitute platform for wannabe X-factor competitors who can't sing or dance.
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Greece Forced to Sell Parthenon
IMF Demanded Asset Sales as Condition of Loan
Classical Icon to form Central Attraction at Basildon Theme Park
' Parthenon-to-go'
Athens, Thurs April 28th: The IMF has forced Greece into fire-sale of assets as one of the conditions for providing the country with emergency funding. Consequently the nation is disposing of some surplus historical assets, most prominent being the Parthenon.
The monument has in any case become something of an embarrassment in recent years, having been a target of a campaign to relocate it to the British Museum where it can be displayed in its rightful place alongside the Elgin Marbles.
Basilwood
The monument, which is in the process of being dismantled, has been snapped-up by Basildon Council for a reputed �2.5m after an intense bidding session against the British Museum and a Swindon-based paint-ball operator.
The bulk of the building (around 80%*) is in the process of being crated-up for shipment to Essex where a glamorous future awaits as the centerpiece (and cafe) of the new 'Basilwood' theme park. The park, being built alongside the A127, is expected to eclipse lesser attractions in Paris and Orlando and it scheduled to open in June, just in time for Britain's rainy season.
The remaining 20% of the building will be auctioned on eBay to help cover transport costs.
Not too late to help
Its not too late for you, the GTG's readers, to help poor Greece get back on its feet. Our Greek Disaster Appeal is still open to donations. So far, through the generosity of our readers we've collected just over �1,500 - enough for a fact finding mission later in the summer. But we - and Greece - need more so please dig deep into your pockets and donate all you can.
* Building reduction necessary because the site earmarked for the reconstruction isn't quite big enough to house the whole building and its adjacent toilet block. |
EU Demands Volcano Compensation from Iceland
Added Pressure as Island Nation Struggles to Pay for Carbon Offsets
Country Exceeds Agreed Sulphur Dioxide Quotas 3rd year Running
Questions whether small country can handle such large phenomena lead to Fears of Total Melt-Down
Brussels, Tues May 4th:
The European Union has issued a formal request to the government of Iceland demanding compensation for economic losses incurred as a result of the recent ash clouds. The EU has also demanded the Icelanders take action to get the volcano under control.
The Eyjafjallajoekull volcano (so-named by Icelandic geologists during a heavy drinking session) has been spewing unauthorized quantities of gas and dust into the atmosphere and causing all sorts of inconvenience to the EU and its trading partners.
But due to the country's recent financial woes its unable to afford any meaningful compensation. Its already struggling to pay for the $5 billion carbon-offsets its bound by treaty to purchase after the initial eruption.
This combined with its limited resources to plug the volcano (specifically not enough cement mixers) means it has little actual choice other than to keep its head down and hope the crisis blows over.
EU bureaucrats have voiced concerns that Iceland is not big enough to handle such large phenomena. They point out that the country has exceeded its sulphur-dioxide quotas for the 3rd year running and have raised the spectre that if the island's notoriously unpredictable geological systems aren't properly regulated there could one day be a more serious melt-down, resulting in a 'Nuclear Winter'. Potentially, such an event could affect the important parts of of the world for years to come.
Don't Blame Us
For its part, the Icelandic Government has issued a statement denying rumors that it deliberately set off the volcano in order to get back at Britain and the EU over their reaction to Iceland's banking crisis. |
In Memoriam:
Bacon Flu Pandemic
b.2009 d.2010
It Promised So Much, Delivered So Little
Crisis overtaken by more important Media Events
WHO Promises to try harder next time
Lost Profit Opportunity
Geneva, Thurs April 15th:
H1N24 - the mutant strain of flu caused by 24-hour news has slipped down the disaster ratings and become a has-been crisis.
When the GTG reported last year (GTG May 2009) Bacon Flu was flying high: top of the crisis charts and full of potential to be the world's most successful media event for decades.
But where is it now? Consigned to the rubbish heap along with BSE, AIDS, the Millennium Bug, WMD, Dangerous Dust Clouds and countless other Establishment-sponsored media frenzies.
And what of the WHO officials, who only last year were rising media stars feted by the establishment and whose pronouncements could move governments to act and stock markets to rise and fall? Where are they now? Some, we have heard, are reduced to opening supermarkets and featuring in their own reality TV shows. Others have checked in to rehab clinics. But some, we're sure, are back in their labs beavering away to find new TV-friendly epidemics to entertain us in year's to come.
Silver Lining
Fortunately all was not lost. Some benefit was salvaged from the debacle by a few savvy drug companies who managed to ramp up production of their magic potions and sell them, at the peak of the market, to grateful governments around the world.
So at least we all have the comfort of knowing the next time there's a panic we already have strategic reserves of last-year's flu cure ready to act as the placebo of last resort.
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Climight Change?
Weight of Evidence Says Yes
It Official: Pro-Warming Publications far outweigh Sceptical Works
Decision on PDF weight tipped the balance
Skeptics unhappy that most Blogs are not counted
Climate Change Industry breathes a Sigh of Relief
 Westminster April 14th:
Weight of evidence
In the wake of the kerfuffle over some leaked climate-science emails a British Parliamentary Committee has concluded that despite some recent doubts about the quality of the empirical evidence (not least the weather - Ed) the overall bulk of published evidence supports the case for Global Warming.
This is based on an exhaustive study of all official scientific publications, the media in general, websites, and the personal blogs of leading A-list Rock Stars. And the BBC.
At the last count, articles and reprints repeating and promoting a pro-warming stance still outnumbered those taking skeptical views by two to one, proving a consensus that global warming is a fact.
For the purpose of weighing the evidence the committee treated unprinted copies of PDFs as being the equivalent of a single sheet of 80g A4 paper. It believed this tipped the balance in favor of the warmists, because being more concerned about the environment their readers tended not to print them out before reading.
It was also decided that reprints and quotations from previous reports were equally valid and should be included in the total. After some debate it was decided that television documentaries (whether viewed on TV, iPlayer, or YouTube) should be counted as the weight of a DVD rather than a VHS tape, multiplied by the the official audience figures.
Controversially the committee refused to attribute any weight to blogs published by anybody other than those by A-list celebrities and politicians. The committee explained this was because HTML is notoriously difficult to weigh (they have a point - have you ever tried printing it? Ed) but it was felt the views of well-placed important people were too important to ignore so their work was printed out, weighed and multiplied by the stars' net-worth.
The committee had decided to count dead Polar Bears as evidence of warming at 200Kg each. But in practice although, rather like pigeons, polar bears are always popping up next to you, you never see a dead one, so none were counted.
In summing up a committee spokesman announced "the evidence has been reported and accepted by a majority of the world's media, politicians and celebrities, putting its conclusions beyond reproach. This is not about science: its about the future of the planet."
Stocks in leading windmill manufacturers rose 20% on the day.
Climight Change? The GTG's forum on climate issues. If you have a contribution please email it to the editor. We will subject it to a pier revue and a after making corrections publish it in a future edition. Well, maybe. |
News Round-Up
Man found dead in office toilet - piped radio blamed
Whyteleafe, surrey March 16th:
A Grey Town Man has been found dead in his office toilet. Leaked reports indicate that he died in a state of severe distress, and may even have lost his mind. The toilet cubicle door was covered in fingernail scratches, and fellow office workers claim they had heard the victim let out a chilling scream "not that bl**dy song again!" shortly before the body was discovered.
Police concluded that the victim may have been driven to distraction by over exposure to the banal & repetitive music pumped out by the piped office radio.
The coroner recorded it as a rare case of death by audial abuse.
NHS New Policy to tackle MRSA: Ban Patients
British taxpayer who might carry common germs? Sorry go away!
Just arrived with AIDS or TB? No problem, join this fast-track queue!
Grey Town General, April 1st:
The NHS has introduced new procedures to to tackle the problem of MRSA infections in hospitals: they are screening patients in advance of letting them in. Any patients who screen positive will be sent home with a packet of aspirin and some carbolic soap and told to treat themselves.
The Department of Health, keen to allay people's fears that the NHS is shirking its responsibilities, has stressed that these rules will apply only to resident taxpayers: priority cases arriving from overseas will be exempt and treated on a fast-track. Anything else would be an infringement of their human rights.
However not everybody is unhappy. Compensation lawyers are ecstatic because it removes the burden of proof for patients claiming compensation after contracting MRSA in hospital. If they were tested clean before entry, it must be the NHS's fault if they acquire it during treatment!
Burglar Sues Home Owner over noisy Alarm
Bell caused undue stress and distraction whilst he was at work
Police arrest home owner
Milton Keynes, Sat March 20th
In what is being seen as an important criminal rights test-case a Milton Keynes burglar is suing a home owner for stress and lost earnings caused by an overly effective house alarm.
The burglar's legal team claim that the case is covered by Health and Safety in the Workplace legislation. They say that the home equates to the the burglars' workplace, and since he derives his income from the homeowner then the homeowner is his de facto employer and thus obliged to provide a stress free working environment for the thief. |
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Downtime
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine
Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle
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Lifestyle: Hob's Gob
The view from the Underworld
 Hob is busy working on the next government's budget and will reveal all after the election.
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Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town
Stacey is providing behind the scenes help as an intern on the Grey Town election trail and will expose all after the election.
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Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle?
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look!
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Commercial
Product Reviews
Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor. We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that! Review Rating Price Scale**: Coal (pants) �50*Charcoal (bearable) �250*Gravel (average) �1,000*Ash (good) �5,000*Platinum (ace) �10,000*Please email the Editor for further details.* Strictly Cash in Advance
** Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you, or both
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Small print:
Copyright May 2010 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Borg International Ltd, London.
Disclaimer:
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank |
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