The Grey Town Gazette 

News From The Urban Sprawl

September/October  2009
New Golden Age 
Golden October
Welcome to the fashionably late October issue of the Grey Town Gazette*
At the GTG we've got our ear to the ground and we know that if your career has been in the private sector you've probably lost your job by now.
That's why we've made a special effort to restructure this edition with extra Arts and Social Pages all grouped together in our new  'Downtime' Section - The GTG's very own Lifestyle Magazine. 
After all if you don't have to go to work you might as well spend other people's tax money on having a good time! That's what the welfare state is all about.
And now it looks like we're all about to enter a golden age of plenty. With  the country relieved of carrying the burden of a private sector everybody can work for the Government! We can all work shorter hours, have longer holidays, flexible expense accounts and fantastic pensions. And we can pay for it by printing as much money as we want!

Its so obvious, we can't understand why nobody's done it before (well, apart from North Korea)

The GTG - in tune with the times!
New in this Issue's Downtime Supplement:
Hob's Gob
Opinions, anecdotes, and observations from everybody's favorite bad boy - Lucifer himself.
Grey Town Glutton
Food and wine reviews for discerning readers (and you too), featuring special input from Seamus - the Dog that likes to Drink.

Plus all your usual favorites! And free!

* The publishing delay was caused by an infestation of Higgs Boson particles that sent our servers awry. We think we've got rid of them all...please accept our apologies for any random disturbances you might encounter.
a Thought for Today
Today's Theobabble is from someone who hasn't yet won a Nobel Peace Prize:
" If Allah in His infinite wisdom really wants women to wear masks and marry their cousins, why does he bother making them so pretty?
Editorial Announcement 
 Ethically Sourced News   
A First in the News  Industry
The GTG is pleased to announce it is now obtaining 90% of its news content from Ethical Sources.
We pay the fairest prices to the local producers, not to profiteering
Also in strict accordance with our Sustainability Policy, we promise to plant two new stories for every article we publish.
This is to ensure future generations will be able to continue to enjoy news content that compelling, wholesome and above all sustainable.
The GTG: a new paradigm in ethical reporting! 
No. 2 
The Discovery that's funded a hundred Peace Prizes
In 1867 Alfred Nobel obtained a Patent for a versatile new product called  Dynamite. He went on to to earn a fortune from its production and sale to a grateful world.
A man of infinite foresight and concern for mankind, Nobel used his fortune to to fund  the Nobel Peace Prize, a very special aspirational award intended to encourage improved standards of presentation and eloquence in International Diplomacy. 
Its impossible to count the number people owe their lives to this wonderful discovery.
Are you concerned about your impact on the environment?
Do you want to help save the planet?
Well, the GTG shares your concerns. That's why we publish this monthly advice column bringing you practical tips from the world of  Climate Theology on how you can help save the world.
E-mental Tip 5:
Why not commit suicide? We're constantly being told by Eco-activists and clever people at the BBC that human beings are bad for the planet. We use up resources, we breath out CO2, and we inconvenience all the wonderful dumb animals to whom the planet really belongs. The only decent thing to do is top ourselves before we do any more damage.

So there you are - there's no excuse - go for it!
Do you have any helpful tips you'd like to share with other readers? We welcome your contribution - remember it will be easier to save the planet if we all work together! 
Please email suggestions to the Editor
Rear View 
 From the Archives

On this day - 1945

Nuremberg, Nov 4th: 
The Chief Prosecutor investigating the wrongdoings of the Nazi Government has ordered Reich Marshall Goering to apologize to the court for his part in his government's crimes against humanity.
But the Prosecutor stopped short of asking for for Goering to be executed. He felt Goering had suffered enough embarrassment after revelations about his drug addictions and predilection for erotic art.
After release, a still defiant Goering used a speech at a meeting of his co-accused to argue that the Prosecutor was acting beyond his remit.  They (the defendants) had broken no rules under their self-defined legal system and felt it was unfair that they were being persecuted and charged with these crimes
after 'arbitrary' and
retrospective changes in rules. In his words 'We did nothing wrong - we were just following orders. Everything was approved by the appropriate authority (the Fuhrer)and properly documented'.

 This Article has been deleted by retrospective action-at-a-distance by a Higgs Boson Particle  

If it were to exist, this article's content would be an abhorrence to Nature.
Please do not attempt to view the article by hitting the refresh or back keys - Higgs Bosons are notoriously fickle and might delete you too!

As a policy the Grey Town Gazette does not accept liability for readers deleted by exotic quantum particles.
Contemplation Zone

This section is intentionally free of unnecessary text and is intended as a relaxation aid. Why not focus on the soothing blank below and enjoy a well earned rest?

EU Circus Seeks New Chief Clown
Flash Tony Losing his Lustre as
Merky and Sarko lay in the Boot

Hopeful Dwarfs Line Up

Corridors of Power

Brussels Nov 2nd:
Former crowd favorite Tony the Clown is slipping in the ratings  and looks like losing his opportunity to be Chief of the Circus.

He was proudly strutting his stuff when a couple of dastardly former chums - Merky and Sarko - threw a couple bananas his way. Oops - poor Tony fell on his bum (how the crowd laughed!) and then all the sneaky little dwarfs joined in throwing custard pies and jumping up and down in front of the cameras hoping to get noticed. Such fun!

Grumpy Merky and her buddy Shorty Sarko have decided they don't like Flash Tony anymore.

They say its because he used to be cute and loveable but now he's too showy (never a good idea in a circus) and  that he used to spend too much time with his rich pal Bushy -  firing their cannons at little people. But we all know they're just jealous of Tony's height and his fame on the international show-circuit.

With Tony scraping egg off his face, all of the little wannabe clowns, with names you can't quite remember, are running around hoping that its their turn to be famous and run the Circus.

No doubt one of them will be chosen - Nobby No-Name perhaps. The  audience are on the edge of their seats with excitement (or do they just want to leave? Ed).

But you can't keep a good fool down and  plucky little Tony is still smiling (some people think that might be painted on). At the end of the day even if the circus picks one of its C-list contenders, Tony can still pride himself on his status as an internationally  recognised clown and content himself with the � millions  he earns every year performing to children on the Word Stage.

And there is always the dark horse, Big Ears Mili, an old mate of Tone's who could yet pip them all to the post.

The GTG Says:
We hope one of the dwarfs is selected - maybe Bertie - because we think the EU should have a leader who reflects Europe's true status on the World stage.

9 out of 10 Ministers Prefer Class B Scientists 

Fixing the Figures

Whitehall Mon, 2nd Nov:
An independent survey has revealed that 9 out of 10 Government Ministers prefer Class B Scientists over Class A or C.

Class B Scientists are seen as being more malleable than Class A, yet more credible than Class C. A perfect compromise for supporting Government PR.
Scientists Missing the Point
Class A Scientists are unable to comprehend that it is not their job to present factual information to Ministers, and certainly not directly to the Public.

Of course everybody outside academia knows that the Government is not interested in reality, but years working in Ivory Towers have insulated the scientists from this and its all come as a bit of a shock.

The Government has promised it will provide therapy and retraining for any displaced scientists.
Party Conferences Uplift:
A Season of Hope
Tories Hope to Win
Labour Hopes to Survive

Lib-Dems Hope to Matter

Voters Hope they'll Go Away

Gothic House of Horrors

London Oct
Britain's main political parties and the Lib-Dems have held their Party Conferences and presented their policies to a grateful electorate.

Voters' Guide
As a service to our readers the Grey Town Gazette has trawled through the details of each the parties' proposals and we have put together the following handy Voters' Guide. Please feel free to cut it out and use it as your definitive reference at the next General Election:

Increase Taxes
Cut Public Services
Increase MP's Pay
Blame it on the Bankers

Increase Taxes
Cut Public Services
Increase MP's Pay
Blame it on Labour

Who cares?

Background for younger readers: Party Political Conferences are a  quaint legacy of the days when Britain used to govern itself. They were an opportunity for political parties to present their philosophies and policies to the British electorate so that in due course the voters could choose the government they wanted to run the country.

But since Britain became more and more involved in the 'European Ideal' this old-fashioned concept of democracy has become less relevant. Today we have moved on, and Britain is ruled under the traditional European system of an unelected political elite.

Today the annual Party Conferences are basically a substitute platform for wannabe X-factor competitors who can't sing or dance.
Business News:
Vatican launches Takeover Bid for Anglican Church
Unsolicited Offer Above Market Value per Soul
Anglican Bishops Not Sure which way to Turn
Stakeholders recommended to Hold for better Price


Registered Trade Mark

London, Tues Oct 20th
As further evidence of the froth in equity markets, the Roman Catholic Church has launched a dawn raid on their long-term market rivals the Anglican Church. The all-soul offer is  priced aggressively at 1.2 Catholic souls per Anglican, a full 25% premium over the close-of-business market price Monday.

Although the Vatican hyped their move as purely an ecumenical matter, market analysts are unimpressed and have dismissed it at a desperate attempt to halt declining market share at a time when both churches are under increasing pressure from aggressive Asia-based competitors who have younger work forces and lower cost-bases, not weighed down by costly infrastructure or employee retirement plans.

Both groups got a reasonable rating in the recent Government League Table of Religions (GTG May) but the Vatican clearly has its aim set at the top spot.

In what might be seen as a cynical appeal to the  self-interest to individual members of the Anglican management team, the Vatican has sweetened its offer by including job guarantees to all.

A Marriage Made in Heaven?
Superficially there are some attractions to merging the two organizations. They were originally part of the same multinational group (The Anglican Church was created in 1534 when Henry VIII privatized the UK subsidiary of the RCC in an early experiment  with Keynesian style demand-side economics). They have broadly compatible product ranges, and indeed have mutual cross-licences on some highly prized brands and trade-marks. They both have extensive worldwide operations, with not too much overlap and potential for synergy (The RCC is dominant in South America, whilst the Anglicans have extensive interests in emerging markets such as Africa). They even share three key non-executive directors.

But integrating the two organizations would be a challenging task. Not only is there a danger of increasing already unwieldy bureaucracies, but there are big differences in their corporate structures. The RCC is a traditional centrally managed corporation, with an authoritarian Chief Executive, wheres the Anglican Church functions as a loosely coupled conglomerate with nobody in overall charge.

The Anglicans have a somewhat more progressive approach to Human Resources than the RCC which, weighed down by history, is still a little way off becoming a truly  equal opportunities employer - although unlike the Anglicans it can at least boast to having once a had a female CEO (Pope Joan c.850AD), though it should be noted her  contract was terminated rather abruptly at an unusually rowdy shareholder's meeting where she was given a rather brutal 'Severance Package'.

Most analysts are sitting on the fence, recommending  stakeholders hold their position for a better offer, perhaps a 'White Knight' bid from a friendly group such as the Baptists. Rumors are also rife that other market players - such as the Islamic and Hindu churches - might demand a referral to the Monopolies and Mergers Commission.

At the day's final bell the Anglican Church ended  up 20 points, the RCC down 5 points.
Education Update: Government Tackles Exam Grade Inflation
�2 billion budget cut targets excessive grades
Schools will be fined if they exceed A-grade Allocation

Lost Cause

Westminster, Mon Oct 5th
After a barrage of criticism from employers and Universities that GCSE and A-level students are finding it too easy to score high grades, the Department of Education is taking action to address the problem.
The education budget is to be cut by �2 billion. Officials are keen to stress that the cuts will be directed at front-line resources, reducing the number of teachers by 15% along with teaching aids and books, and they want to reassure the public that there will be no reduction in essential back-office administration roles.
The move will result in an increase in class sizes and reduced teaching resources per child, which should filter through with a beneficial reduction in exam grades from summer 2010.
Strict Targets
To ensure the policy is a success schools will also be given strict targets for each of the grades. If they exceed their allocation they may be fined, or in extreme cases the offending schools may be closed or put under direct DoE management.
In This Issue
EU Circus Seeks New Chief Clown
Survey: 9 out of 10 Ministers Prefer Class B Scientists
Party Conference Uplift
Business: Vatican Launches Takeover Bid for Anglican Church
Government Tackles Exam Grade Inflation
Law and Order: Stocks and Pillories to be Reintroduced
New Bulbs don't Heat Homes Like they Used To
Beer Drinkers Recognised as an Ethnic Group
News Round-Up
Downtime - Arts, Reviews, Food, Drink, Lifestyle
Grey Town Glutton: Reviews You can Trust
Lifestyle: Hob's Gob
Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
Fog Horn: Readers' Letters
Law and Order:
Towns and Villages to reintroduce Stocks and Pillories for over '60s

Initiative to protect Teenage Thugs 
Little Darlings need protection from Old Folks
'Have-a-go' Grannies upsetting the status quo 
Thornton Cleveleys, Fri Oct 2nd:
Under new guidelines from the Crown Prosecution Service villages and towns up and down the country are to re-introduce stocks and pillories on their greens and parklands.
The purpose is to provide somewhere where the over '60s can be tied down for an hour or two a day to allow local yobs, thugs, and gangs to throw stones at them without fear of reprisals.
The move is considered necessary as an increasing number of pensioners are getting tired of antisocial behavior by gangs of teenagers and taking the the law into their own hands and fighting back.
This has upset not only the the gangs, but also the police, and the CPS. All three regard it as in infringement into their territories and jurisdictions. Direct action by the public will distract the police and CPS from their vital work enforcing traffic and Health & Safety regulations and it will also restrict the teenagers' freedom of expression during their vital formative years.
A CPS spokesman made it clear that the authorities will not tolerate any threat to the status quo and will come down heavily on anybody attempting to enforce natural justice. 

Teachers Next
If the scheme is a success it will be extended to cover teachers too, with stocks installed in every school. Parents are becoming increasingly concerned that that their kids are not being given enough freedom to express themselves, and by tying down their teachers its hoped that pupils will no longer feel inhibited by old fashioned notions of courtesy or respect.
Gas Consumption Jumps after Bulb Switchover
New bulbs just don't heat homes like they used to
Central Heating Systems have to work harder
But good news for suppliers of Heavy Metals 
Bright Idea?Wed, Oct 28th:
Latest figures* show that domestic gas and oil consumption have jumped upwards after the phase out of old-style incandescent light bulbs and their replacement with 'low energy' alternatives.
Experts say this is due to the fact the new bulbs emit less heat and so central heating systems are having to work harder to keep homes at the same temperature. This might not be a problem for Mediterranean countries but in Britain, where the summer lasts on average for only three and a half days in June, it makes a significant difference to home heating bills.

Add to that the extra resources used in their manufacture and the fact they take longer to 'warm up' so people are starting to leave their lights on, its questionable just how much energy they save.
In the not too distant past, when scientists were required to have an education, this would have been recognized as a 'Zero Sum Game'. In today's more enlightened age, when a career in science is accessible to anyone who can spell 'climate' it is considered an essential step on our road towards 'sustainability'.
On the bright side (ha ha - Ed) the changeover has been good for bulb manufacturers who can now charge 50 times as much for their products, as well as for exporters of exotic rare earth minerals and toxins such as mercury.

Source: a pair of teenage chavs overheard arguing about thermodynamics on a 119 from Waddon.
Beer Drinkers recognized as an Ethnic Group    
Same Rights as Religious and Cultural Groups
EU gets something right for once
Devotional ListBrussels, Sept 7th:
The European Union is to introduce legislation officially recognizing beer drinkers as an Ethnic Group.
The decision was made by a group of influential MEPs as they participated in an intensive 3-day field study at the 2009 Brussels Beer Festival.
The move means that Beer Drinkers will have similar rights to religious groups.
Positive Action
The rules will put the onus on employers to actively ensure they and their employees do not in anyway discriminate against Beer Drinkers. For example employers will be required to provide special rooms (known as 'Bars')and regular conscience breaks from work ('Happy Hours') so that devotees can practice their faith.
Employers must also respect events of special meaning to the group - such as Beer Festivals - and allow adequate leave for followers to attend.
Some drinking groups are particularly strict and require their members to practice regular rituals such as 'Binge Drinking'. Employers are obliged to treat these people with appropriate sensitivity the following day.
Employment Discrimination
A spokesperson for the UK Ministry of Equality Enforcement (ME2) added "In the modern age it is no longer acceptable to discriminate against someone simply because they like to drink too much and so devoted Beer Drinkers are entitled to equal opportunities in their chosen career, be that airline pilot, ambulance driver, or Mullah"
Footnote: here at the GTG we think this has been a long time coming, but doesn't go nearly far enough. What about wine and cocktail drinkers? We think they have rights too and we will campaign to ensure they are not forgotten.
News Round-Up
CRB Checks for anyone living within 5 miles of a school
Whitehall, Fri Oct 30th:
As part of its strategy to eliminate all possible risks to children the Ministry of Infant Policy is to extend the scope of CRB testing to include all adults who live within 5 miles of a school or a scout hut.
Anyone who refuses to be checked or who fails the checks will be given 10 days notice to leave their home.
Exemptions for Film Directors and other Special Groups
Because of their special needs some groups will be exempted from the new rules, in particular emotionally retarded pop-stars and independent European film directors, but only as long as they are either famous, fashionably left-wing or are members of an oppressed minority.

Asset Sale Latest: Government Selling Security Council Seat

99 Year Lease available to the Highest Bidder
Libya and Iran Front Contenders
N.Korea fails Credit Check

New York, Thurs Oct 21st:
Ignoring protests from America and France, the UK Foreign Office and Treasury are pressing ahead with a plan to sell Britain's seat on the UN Security Council.
The Foreign Office is eager to make friends with emerging powers like Libya and Iran and having run out of imprisoned terrorists and mass murderers to exchange for favors they have been looking for more creative options.
The Treasury is keen to raise funds by any means possible.
Both are at pains to present this a win-win deal for the UK under which we will become buddies with some really nice New Kids in the Nuclear Club and at the same time will raise desperately needed cash to boost Public Sector pensions.
The Foreign Office had planned to include free access to a base in Gibraltar as a deal sweetener, but had to withdraw this offer after complaints from Spain who are disputing ownership of the rock. 
Sadly, the hoped for 3-way bidding war between Libya, Iran, and North Korea is now only a 2 horse race because N. Korea had an insufficiently good credit rating to open a Pay Pal account.
Bidding starts Monday November 9th on eBay.

Question Time Furore
London, Oct 23rd:
The Taliban have withdrawn their application to appear on the BBC's Question Time. In a statement they said they are concerned that it will just descend into a public lynching and that they will not be given a fair hearing.
This has left most observers bemused, as its widely considered unlikely that the BBC would do anything to undermine its role as official PR for the group.
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine

Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle

Grey Town Glutton
Reviews You Can Trust  
Wine of the month: Domain Serene Evenstad Reserve 2006
An Exceptional Wine from the Colonies
Grey-Scale Rating: Platinum 
Man's Best FriendGrey Town North, Sept. 21st: 
This reviewer likes his wines to be BIG. Preferably purple and thick enough to stand a spoon in,  or even better dissolve the spoon. So it was with some mild reservations that I approached this wine. Why? Because its produced from premium Pinot Noir, a grape one normally associates with medium bodied wines. You know - the sort of wines that appeal to sophisticated types with sensitive taste buds. Not the sort of people who move in my circle.

But this wine is from the winery of Domaine Serene of Dayton, Oregon, a producer who has forged an impressive reputation in recent years - not least with people I drink with - so I thought I would throw caution to the wind an give it a try!
I soon realised this is no lightweight. An intense pomegranate red and packed with a formidable kick by virtue of its 14.5% ABV, the wine announces its arrival in your palate with a klaxon of flavors. I could bore you with wine industry hyperbole and superlatives, but  I imagine as a GTG reader you are a sensible person and have probably never even smelled, let alone tasted, smoked honey with cherries mixed with vintage leather, burr walnut veneer and a hint of spring blossom, so it will suffice for me to say that after my first gulp I felt I'd just been punched in the gob by a cheerleader wearing mink boxing gloves. And very nice it was too.
Seamus (the dog that likes to drink) was ecstatic. He was so excited he lapped up two bowlfuls before his evening walkies, even forgetting his usual bottle of Westvleteren 12 (he's high maintenance). Seamus' comment: "Woof! Woof!"
If I have any complaints, it is only that the wine is rather difficult to find (its not stocked at my local Midnight Store for example) and the bottle is a little too wide to fit my in-car cup holder. Otherwise, excellent!

For more information visit:
Grey Scale Ratings explained:
Coal (pants)  Charcoal (bearable) Gravel (average) Ash (good) Platinum (ace)
Seamus' Comments explained:
Grrrrrr (pants)  Woof! Woof! (ace) 
Suppliers - how to get your product reviewed:
Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
See our Commercial Section for pricing and instructions.

Lifestyle: Hob's Gob 
The view from the Underworld
Leviathan's Birthday-Halloween Bash
Death and Soul of the partyBar Pandemonium, West End, Sat Oct 31st:   
What a year! We've been busy as Hell: processing asylum applications from bankers and auto industry executives, making space for MPs, throwing hot coals at weathermen, processing suicide bombers by the dozen (you should see their faces when they realise where they are! Makes us laugh every time!) and only last month the welcoming concert for Jacko. We needed a break!
Then Malphas reminded me that Leviathan's 9,000th birthday was approaching fast and we needed to organize something if he wasn't to become unbearably grumpy.
Levi's been a miserable Sod lately. To be fair, he's been a bit down. What with his approaching middle age and the decline in business for his Political Anti-Ethics Consultancy (MP's suddenly getting all righteous and New Labour on the wane). I tried cheering him up by pointing out that Cameron and his cronies might be goody-two-shoes today, but after a month or two in office they'll soon come knocking on his door. But it didn't seem to work so we all felt a serious bender was in order and what better than to make it the 31st October and mix it with those idiot humans dressed like us.
As usual Bacchus organised things and got a good gang together: Pyro; Zagan; Mammon; Abigor and Haures. Even Paymon turned up (fortunately he left his legions at home - they'd have drunk the bar dry by seven). Jezebeth said she'd come, but typically blew us out on the night. We had only one problem: for a really debauch party we needed some virgins. You just can't get hold of them these days. Even the Other Place is finding it hard. But Vetis has been working on some contacts Upstairs and he bribed a few of them to get us some totty for the night (turns out they saw him coming...the birds weren't exactly we found out later)
Off we went for an all-nighter at our favorite bar: Pandemonium. Wow, the place was rocking. Verin was already there and half sloshed, but at least he'd got the first round in for the rest of us.
Predictably Lilith wasn't touching her food and seemed to be leaving most of her wine. I don't know why she comes. The girl needs to get a life - anyone's - or she's going to get left out next time.
Talking about girls, wow those birds Vetis arranged were something else! They were too hot to handle even for us. Drank like Hydras. And kept demanding chips! We're all used to stoking boilers, but these girls were insatiable! From some Devil-forsaken place called Grey Town apparently. Of course the mouthy one - Stacey - had to go and take a shine for me. Just my luck. Up for it?...I couldn't stop her! Not sure I'll be able to cope in 50 or so years time when she inevitably joins us permanently.  
By dawn Levi was well gone! When he's had too much to drink his moral compass goes awry - he starts doing crazy things like helping old ladies across the road, giving money to tramps and breaking up fights. He always regrets it in the morning. But this time he excelled himself: when he got back to Hades, still pissed as a fart, he got all soppy and let out 500 souls! What a loon! It took Xaphan and Ukobach all the next day to round them up again. They moaned like demons, but hey... what are the minions for?
Oh well the fun's over so I'd better get back to rubbing somebody's nose in the grindstone ;-)
Keep the home fires burning!
Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town
Stacey Meets some horny guys
Naughty BoysBar Pandemonium, West End, Sat 31st Oct:
Sorry I ain't been writin' much recently but I couldn't be 'arsed. Me 'oliday in Acapulco was crap and I've split up with Mr B. Not cos he's fat - and he is mind you - but cos he ain't got no energy and a girl has needs you know.
But things looked up at the weekend. I met this great guy at a Halloween party in town. Me and me  mates - Shazza, Coleen and Michelle - went as a gang. It was at a real posh place called Pandemonium - and it was by the time we left ;-) We'd all got some random text inviting us - we don't know who from - but we never miss a party! 
I noticed him straight away. He was with 'is mates and they was hot stuff, real horny. He really got me going. Woke the devil in me.

His name was Lou - I think - and he had lovely red eyes and his skin seemed to glow. His breath was a bit rough - like a week old vindaloo - but after two pints (of vodka - Ed) I didn't care! It was passion!
It was his mate Levi's birthday. They said 'e was 9,000 years old! I told 'em not to take the piss - I might be from Grey Town but I ain't stupid - but they said it was true. I think they'd 'ad too much to drink cos he didn't look a day over 50 (ok, a rough 50).  Any'ow they was a great bunch and we all got well bladdered. Coleen couldn't keep 'er 'ands off this little guy called Vetis. He said he wanted to show her his broom yea, when did he think we was born? - but Coleen was up for it and they disappeared for half an hour. When they come back Coleen's eye's was wide open - said she'd never 'ad a ride like that before! He was just grinning and showing his big shiny teeth.
Any'ow the bar ran out of booze at 5am but we still wanted to party. I wanted to go back to Lou's place, but he said he didn't want to upset the neighbors. Bloody cheek! But I still like him. 
Lou's given me 'is number and I'm gonna text him!

See ya!
Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle? 
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look! 

Fog Horn

Reader's Letters

CERN, June 12th 2010
Hi, I was spending a wet afternoon flicking through some old issues of the GTG and I noticed that there were no reader's letters in this edition, and I thought how sad. I don't want you to feel left out and lonely, so I thought I'd send you this back-dated message to you just so that you know there is somebody out here who loves you! Yours Sincerely,  Daphne Higgs-Boson.
Never the Right Time
Hackbridge, Nov 3rd 2009
Dear Sir, I must complain about the above letter. Its really rude of people from the future to mess around with  the space-time continuum.  I happen to live in a Black Hole and so I was able to see Ms Higgs-Boson's annoyingly sentimental letter before you went to press. It put me off my dinner. I'm really cross. Please ask your readers to stop interfering with my timeline! Yours, Angry of Hackbridge, Surrey.
Time to Waste
Merton, Nov 2nd 2009
Sir, Angry of Hackbridge complains too much. I live in an even bigger Black Hole and I've read every piece of complaining drivel he has ever written and will ever write. I think you should stop publishing his letters - they are all the same, trust me. Angry of Merton. P.S. I think Ms Higgs-Boson sounds rather nice!  Thanks... maybe we'll meet some time... Miss H-B ;-)

Have something to say? Feel free to address emails to the Editor. Content may be edited to meet space constraints or rewritten to embellish boring material. Offensive material is not acceptable, unless it happens to be hilarious.
Judges Wanted - We are an Internationally renowned Self-Appointed Awards Foundation seeking additional judges to join the prize-winner selection panel. Successful applicants must be able to demonstrate a naive and simplistic grasp of world affairs, and be fully conversant in Politically Correct Ideology. An IQ of at least 3 above a poodle would be helpful but not essential.  Please send CVs to HR Dept, Nobel Foundation, Cloud Nine, La La Land.
Eco-Tourists - Are you looking to follow the latest trend and permanently reduce your carbon footprint? Not sure how to do it? Well we are here to help. With over 10 years of experience despatching elderly and infirm clients we have the experience to make your departure something you will treasure for the rest of your life. Just imagine, a luxury weekend spent in unspoiled Swiss countryside, followed by a wholesome organic meal, and a cosy drink to make you nod off into oblivion. And when you don't wake up its all over! At a stroke you've stopped your negative effect on the environment. You know you owe it to yourself, the children you haven't had, and all the furry little animals out there. Full packages from Euro 2,000 (Euro 3,500 for couples) including one-way first class rickshaw ticket (well you might as well go out with a bang!) and a slap up lentil soup dinner. Go on - treat yourself! Contact: SeniSleep Labs, Geneva.

Product Reviews

Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with  the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor.
We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that!
Review Rating Price Scale**:
Coal (pants)            �50*
Charcoal (bearable)    �250*
Gravel (average)     �1,000*
Ash (good)           �5,000*
Platinum (ace)      �10,000*

Please email the Editor for further details.

* Strictly Cash in Advance
** Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you, or both
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Small print:
Copyright September - November 2009 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Borg International Ltd, London.
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank