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The Grey Town Gazette |
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News from the Urban Sprawl
February/March 2010
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Regime Change?
Their time is nearly up. Its only a matter of weeks. Does the country still love them? Or is it time for some new guys to strut their stuff?
No, we're not talking about a TV talent competition. Its not that important, but it is nearly time for the UK Provincial Elections.
That's right - the time when we can elect the EU Regional Government for Britain.
But perhaps you are concerned about what kind of government we might get for the next five years? No need to be! To guarantee voter satisfaction all the Parties and their candidates are now Quality Assured and CE certified. Each party has an EU Approved Manifesto and every candidate has been screened to ensure a consistency of policy and standard of behavior.
So whether you vote for Basher Brown, Dull as Dishwater David, or even No Hope Nick you know what you're getting.
And remember, every one of them now comes with a 5-year guarantee! If you're not happy with their performance you can exchange them for a new model in 2015 (sorry, the guarantee isn't money-back, so no refunds on your tax contributions).
We're sure you are as excited as we are!
Don't worry if you still don't know who to vote for: the GTG will keep you informed and we'll shortly be issuing an updated version of our Concise Election Guide, first published in Party Conference Uplift, GTG Oct 2009.
That's democracy!
Ed
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Theobabble
a Thought for Today
Today's Theobabble is from somebody who isn't a graduate of the University of East Anglia :
" Geologists tell us that coal is made of trees and oil is made of billions of little organisms that died millions of years ago.
Climate theologians tell us that burning all these will release their captured carbon into the atmosphere, causing the world to heat up and die.
But millions of years ago when these organisms were thriving there must have been more CO2 in the atmosphere and the planet was warmer, wetter and teeming with all sorts of life forms, all happily multiplying and eating each other.
So what's the problem?"
Well.... you might want to avoid buying beach front property, but apart from that we agree! - Ed |
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Enviro-mental
Are you concerned about your impact on the environment?
Do you want to help save the planet?
Well, the GTG shares your concerns. That's why we publish this monthly advice column bringing you practical tips from the world of Climate Theology on how you can help save the world.
E-mental Tip 7:
Why not charter a Jumbo Jet and fly off to a nice resort in Switzerland where you can spend a week with 50,000 similarly concerned people, cruising between venues in your limo, eating and drinking the finest food and wine, and listening to the wise words of international statesmen, billionaires, has-been pop stars and assorted other sages on the the meaning of life, the future of the planet and role of the little people in its demise?
We're sure you would return with a much clearer idea of what really needs to be done to save the world.
There's no excuse - go for it -book now for next year!
(The GTG editorial team certainly intends to be there next year)
Send us your tips:
Do you have any helpful tips you'd like to share with other readers? We welcome your contribution - remember it will be easier to save the planet if we all work together!
Please email suggestions to the Editor
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Where can you Have Your Cake and Eat It?
Iceland Of Course!
Plucky Little Island says 'No' to responsibility &
'Yes' to future as a
Frozen Banana Republic
When this correspondent visited Iceland a few years back it was hard to see how it could be that a country with a population barely bigger than Grey Town's and who's only assets seemed to amount to some cod and a lot of steaming rocks, could possibly afford so many private planes and the highest per-capita income in the world.
Now its all clear! Other People's Money!
This is how it works: all you have to do is set up some worthy sounding banks, sign up to some convenient International banking conventions and offer above average interest rates to attract foreign depositors. Then you use the foreigner's money to buy up half of their own high street businesses along with a few toys for yourself while you're at it. Brilliant!
But here's the really clever bit: when they ask for their money back you accuse them of being bullies, jump up and down crying and refuse to pay. Its so simple. Bet the the Greek government are kicking themselves that they hadn't thought of this one. |
Quote for the Moment
'Al, I never took a Dollar.... I had someone else do it for me'
Richard Nixon commenting to General Alexander Haig on the turpitude of modern politics. |
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WorldWonder
No. 4
Ibis Lobby Bar
Hotel Ibis, off Grand Place, Brussels
It doesn't boast a stock of over 2,000 beers, nor is it located on a beach with views of a tropical sea, but this bar is a contender for being one of the best bars in the world.
Why? Well for starters it has a pleasant aspect and convivial atmosphere. Its conveniently located just 10 yards (9.1m*) from the hotel check-in and has an ample selection of beers to kick off a busy weekend's drinking.
Oh.... and its open 24 hours a day and is located round the corner from a bar that does stock 2,000+ beers.
And if that's not enough, it doesn't serve drinks in hollowed out pineapples.
Pretty damn good really.
* metric measurement provided to comply with EU Weights & Measures Legislation
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Rear View
On this day 1908:
Downing Street Jan 17:
Suffragettes demand right to wear the burka
There is much ado in Downing Street this morning. A group of suffragettes have chained themselves to the railings of no.10 to bring attention their campaign to be allowed to wear the burka.
Their spokeswoman, Evelyn Sharp, explained that women felt under increasing pressure from all aspects of modern Edwardian life - the threat of lighter more comfortable clothing, the right to an education, and most horrendous of all the suggestion that they might be compelled to vote! Heavens!
Sharp explained that women felt threatened by all this and the only way they could fight these reactionary developments would be to start dressing like they don't exist. That way they would be properly respected by their menfolk and closer to their god.
They had chosen the burka after seeing a photo-plate in a Picture Post article about life on the North West Frontier. And having read about the region's enlightened policy of female oppression they knew it was just the thing they were looking for.
Unimpressed, the Government called in the police and had the protestors removed.
Footnote 2010: students of history know of course that the
increasingly liberal governments of the early 20th century ignored the suffragettes pleas and steadily pushed through Acts of female emancipation culminating in the Equal Franchise Act in 1928, forcing on women the burden of the right to vote.
But time heals, and fortunately we live in more enlightened times. We are at last seeing a gradual reversal of these unpleasant impositions. All around there is the uplifting sight of Hessian-clad female devotees gleefully enjoying their new non-freedoms.
For this we must give due credit to their brave menfolk who, guided by theologically-challenged schoolboy misinterpretations of an Old Book, are fearlessly doing their bit to uphold the highest principals of religion-inspired oppression on a grateful female population.
If only Ms Sharp, Emmeline Pankhurst et al could have lived to see this day. | |
Recession Over !
Country Bored with being Poor
Rapid Recovery Attributed to Low Attention Span of Gamer Generation
Boom forecast to last at least 2 months*
London Feb 26th:
Its official: Britain is out of Recession. The country's official measure of economic health - the Soup Index - which measures the volume of Champagne drunk vs the volume of soup distributed by the Salvation Army - has tipped back in favor of Champagne after six consecutive quarters in which soup volumes were higher.
This brings to an end longest period in modern history where soup was more popular than bubbly. Champagne volumes only exceeded soup's by 0.3% but the positive figure has nevertheless been cited by the government as proof that its policies are working.
All in the mind?
Economists however question this view. They attribute the turnaround to the low attention span of Britain's 'Generation Y'. The gamer generation simply got bored with the 'whole recession thing' and have moved on to the next game level. Shrugging off the concerns of older generations, generation Y are using their parents' credit cards to fuel a resurgent boom on the high street.
The only dark cloud on the horizon is that this very attribute - their low attention span - might also lead to a more rapid return to recession as consumers could just as quickly forget they are well off and slump into a new cycle of depression.
Nevertheless, Treasury Economists are optimistic that the recovery could last anything up to 2 months and are claiming its a concrete endorsement of the government's policy to borrow us out of recession. They point out that the £2 billion growth in output in January is ample proof that the £1 trillion spent kick-starting the economy is working.
More Good News : Inflation is back!
The easy way to reduce debt
On top of the excellent growth news, revised figures show that Britain's inflation rate jumped to 2.9% in December, the biggest increase in the country's annual rate since the 1970s.
Government economists have welcomed the news. According to the Treasury 'Inflation is a really useful tool when your economy is in recession, especially so when you owe foreign governments lots of money; money that they were dumb enough to lend to you in your own currency'.
'Its also great news for individuals with high personal debts They can effectively wipe the slate clean without having to change their lifestyle. In fact they'll be encouraged to spend even more, before prices go up - its the prudent thing to do!
'Even savers benefit because they will get more interest. This will make them feel better, even if their savings actually lose value!
The economic outlook hasn't looked this good since the '70s!
* or until after the election, whichever is sooner. |
Big Brothers threaten Greece with Eviction
Sale to Hedge Fund a Possibility
EU Funded Infrastructure may be Sold for Scrap
Portugal, Spain could be next
Haiti Promises Aid
Athens, Friday Feb 26th:
Sun, Sea and Debt
Like most of those visiting its beaches and bars, Greece is living off its credit cards and they're maxed out.
Only a few weeks ago everyone was still smiling. It looked like Europe's Clown-in-Chief, President Rumpy-Pumpy ( GTG Oct 2009), had managed to pull a rabbit out of his hat and save them from the clutches of the evil ECB enforcers.
But despite pretenses of solidarity it now seems the rest of the Euro gang aren't happy. Especially the big boys - Merky and Sarko - who think Greece dissed them by cheating in its gang-initiation, getting in the club with dodgey credentials.
Under pressure from their erstwhile chums the Greek government has announced a set of draconian budget cuts in a desperate attempt to avoid bankrupcy and liquidation. They've even considered saving the country as a going concern by selling it to a Hedge Fund, but there are problems finding a suitor because EU Anti-Banking legislation has put the hedge funds out of business.
If Greece can't find a White Knight it faces eviction from the gang and a complete loss of any remaining street cred.
Cyprus Subsidiary for Sale
The Greek government has already put its overseas operations on the block. Suitors are particularly interested in Cyprus as it offers a budget opportunitity to get a toe-hold within the EU. A potential problem is that Argentina, supported by Venesuela, is claiming sovereignty over the island (apparently it was once visited by a Spanish colonialist who had got lost looking for the Falkland Islands. He stayed two 2 days before buying a new compass and restarting his journey in the right direction, but in Argentine eyes that's sufficient to claim sovereignty)
Sub-Prime Economies
Greece is not the only country in trouble. Other Sub-Prime borrowers, including Spain and Potugal, have been watching the situation nervously hoping they won't be next.
Pots and Kettles
Privately the Greeks aren't happy that the rest of the gang keep picking on them for breaking the gang rules because everybody knows all the the other members have broken them too. But the others are bigger, and the number one rule in the Euro Gang is that 'Might is Right' (that's why the gang leaders - Merko and Sarky- will never let Turky in - Ed).
Greece has one ace up its sleeve. It could threaten to nationalise all the holiday villas owned by EU citizens and resell them en-mass to 'new money' clients in the far east. That might persude the Germans in particular to sway to their cause.
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Budget Airlines announce New Security Measure:
Passengers must wear transparent clothing
Cheap alternative to Body Scanners
Size 24s Cry Foul
Stansted, Tues Feb 23rd:
Anything you'd like to declare?
Addressing criticism that they are not taking security seriously, a consortium of budget airlines and airport operators have announced new security procedures for provincial charter airports.
Under the slogan 'Seen to be Safe, Safe to be Seen' they are introducing a low-cost substitute for the fixed body scanners being introduced at major airports: Transparent Clothing.
On arrival at the airport passengers (unless already wearing approved see-through outfits) will be given transparent polythene clothing which they must wear whilst at the airport and for the duration of their flight. If they refuse, they will not be permitted to fly.
A spokesman has assured the public that their privacy is guaranteed - to avoid undue embarrassment all passengers and air crew will be blindfolded for the duration of the flight.
Discrimination
Not everyone is happy. Larger people feel they are being discriminated against because the airlines are only providing clothing up to size 22.
F.L.A.B. (the Fat Liberation Activists of Britain) have accused the airlines of blatant discrimination and dishonesty. Their spokesman claimed 'this isn't about safety... its about them saving fuel and catering costs. We demand equal access to cheap air travel (and in-flight pies)'.
The airlines argue that this is a health and safety requirement based on the tensile strength of the polythene, but if larger people turn up to the airport already suitably (un)dressed they will review each individual on a case-by-case basis. |
 Greek Tragedy
Country on the Brink of an Unimaginable Disaster
Millions facing Hardship
Mon March 8th:
Greece needs you. We can't say that too often. They really do. Through no fault of their own they face a humanitarian disaster on an unimaginable scale.
Led astray by nasty bankers and an enthusiasm to join the Euro, and chasing the fantasy of being a developed economy, the Greek Nation is now faced with the unexpected responsibility of actually having to pay its debts. Its just not fair.
That's why we want you to help. Please donate generously. Any amount will do*
What your money could buy:
$10,000 Help maintain a Greek male's right to retire at the age of 62
$7,500 Repair a bus, burnt out during internecine riots
$5,000 Keep an unnecessary Greek Public Sector worker in employment for a further 6 months
$1,000 Keep alive the Greek entry to the Eurovision Song Contest
$500 Sponsor an Elgin Marbles protestor's hunger strike for at least 2 years
$100 Double the annual budget for the Greek National Audit Office
$50 Sponsor a Greek Treasury Official through maths evening classes
$1 Buy a litre of petrol for a Molotov cocktail
Don't delay - please act now. Send your donations (in cash) c/o The Editor**, GTG, Grey Town.
* hard currencies only. No Euros please. No Goats.
** the Editor will personally ensure that your donation is spent in Greece. |
International Solidarity Zone
Our Corporate Outreach Coordinator has suggested that we've perhaps been a bit nasty to some overseas governments in this edition of the GTG. Well, we can't help the news and we do have a duty to report misdeeds by whoever, but in order to uphold the highest traditions of journalistic balance and in a spirit of international camaraderie and good will we've decided to dedicate this corner of the GTG to International Solidarity and within it we promise not to say anything beastly about Argentina, Greece, Iceland or anywhere else*
* Applies to this section only | |
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| Oil Found under Thames
Biggest find since the 1970s North Sea bonanza
Argentina claims Sovereignty over Canvey Island
 London, Fri Feb 26th:Pimlico Oil PLC's share price has gone through the roof after the company announced that its exploratory drilling rig Pimlico Alpha has struck oil off the north bank of the Thames just 50 yards from Tate Britain.
Initial indications are that the field could hold as much as 2 billion barrels of high quality crude, making it the most significant UK find since the North Sea Brent field in the 1970s.
The shallowness of the river promises to make the drilling operations a good deal easier and less expensive than the North Sea, although it will be necessary to demolish about 2 square miles of Westminster to build an oil storage and distribution hub, with pipelines running outwards across east and west London.
But all parties agree that this would be a small price to pay for guaranteeing Britain's energy supplies and its hoped demolition of buildings around Millbank will start before the summer.
Disputed Islands
One potential problem is the long-running dispute between the UK and Argentina's Spanish-colonial government over sovereignty of Canvey Island and adjacent islets, the most likely location for a deep water oil terminal to service supertankers.
Known to every Argentine school child as the Islas Canvinos, the disputed islands continue to be a serious bone of contention between the two countries. The dispute last led to open hostilities during the corned-beef wars of the early 1980s. Argentina's rather tenuous claim dates back to 1555 when the islands were included as part of the dowry from Queen Mary to her husband Phillip II of Spain. Argentina, of course, has a policy of claiming any territory that like itself has been visited by at least one conquistador.
The UK has consistently rejected this, as have the residents of the Island who voted in 1983 to remain a part of Essex.
Footnote: Britain has received welcome support from the London-based Inca Government in Exile who continue to campaign for the return of their homeland and the eviction of the Spanish colonialists.
Argentina's claim on the other hand has been boosted by support from South America's most popular stand-up comic, Presidento Hugo 'Chavy' Chavez, of Venezuela and they have promised to take their claim to the United Nations. |
Plant Obesity Blamed on Excess CO2
Plant Growth explodes as CO2 increases
Sedentary Lifestyle doesn't Help
Tree doctors warn of imminent crisis
 Coulsdon, Tues Feb 2nd:
A report from the influential Coulsdon Institute of Economic and Environmental Affairs has highlighted the link between atmospheric CO2 levels and increasing incidences of plant obesity.
Plants really like CO2. For them it is an essential part of a balanced diet. Unfortunately the instincts that were so important during plants' early development and helped them survive in times of famine are now working against them. They gobble up the CO2 and as a result they just keep growing.
It doesn't help that most plants, especially trees, lead a pretty sedentary lifestyle and have little opportunity to burn-off the excess nutrients.
Tree doctors are warning that without immediate action plant size will get out of control, leading to all sorts of potential health issues.
The government says it will reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by continuing its successful strategy of cutting back economic growth.
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News Round-Up
Nuclear Scandal: Graphite Rods Recycled in School Pencils
Government goes a step too far trying to save the planet
Grey Town, Wed Feb 10th:
In its eagerness to decommission nuclear power stations and meet recycling targets the government has inadvertently risked contaminating millions of English and Welsh* school children with radio active waste.
The mistake resulted because of a mix-up in the recently merged departments of Energy and Education which were combined as part of HMG's efficiency drive. Perhaps unwisely they combined the two Agencies' recycling departments into one and a batch of graphite rods from a decommissioned reactor got accidentally reused in school pencils. It only only came to light when parents realised that they could see their children's homework in the dark.
The Department of Education has hastily withdrawn the suspect pencils and issued a statement saying that symptoms of premature baldness in the children are only temporary.
Fortunately any side effects will be restricted to a very small number of pupils because only 0.1% of under 16's know how to use a pencil.
The pencils have now been shipped to Africa as part of Britain's overseas aid program.
*Scottish children are unaffected because, as a result of its lavish funding by English taxpayers, the Scottish education system has been able to hire individual secretaries for every school child up to the age of 16 so they have no need for pencils.
Gang uses Fake Bank Machines to scam cards
Operated by disillusioned clowns
Micham, Mon March 1st:
Police have warned the public in the Micham area to be cautious of using any new bank ATMs they've not seen before. A gang of disillusioned clowns has been caught operating phoney bank machines in the town.
The clever scam involves a midget clown who hides inside the machine waiting for the unsuspecting customers to insert their cards. All the time the customer thinks they are interacting with a computer they are actually being prompted by the hidden clown who keeps them busy while he copies their card.
For services like balance requests the clown just replies "Sorry, service off-line". But cleverly for cash requests he actually gives the customer their money and a receipt, so the customer goes away happy... that is until a few hours or days later they find out their account is empty!
The scam was rumbled when an observant customer noticed a pair of extra-long boots sticking out from under the ATM and called the police.
The clown - Coco Big-Feet - was a new resident of Micham Clown Rescue ( GTG Dec 2009), the famous refuge for homeless and rejected Clowns. According to the refuge owner Cecily Smith, Coco had recently checked in in for rehab after a breakdown and felt bitter about the cruel treatment of clowns in modern Britain.
The police however don't believe he has been acting alone and are asking the public to remain vigilant.
Britain Backs Talks over Future of Hawaii
Diplomatic Coup for disenfranchised Polynesians
Pitcairn Islands, March 3rd:
The US Government has been caught off guard by a British initiative promoting talks over the future of the Hawaiian Islands*.
In what will widely been seen as a coup for the Polynesian Liberation Organization, or Real PLO as they like to be called, Britain's Foreign Secretary responded to a request for "friendly mediation" between the United States and the Polynesians by saying he agreed talks were a sensible way forward and offered "to encourage both sides to sit down".
President Obama's secretary Hillary Clinton** issued a terse statement saying "We don't think that is necessary".
Historical notes:
* Hawaii was annexed by America in 1887 when the US Navy turned up with a few battleships and invited King David Kalakaua to sign up to the "Bayonet Constitution" or lose his head. He was more fond of his head than his nation and so wisely signed on the dotted line.
** Hillary Clinton was a household name in the 1990's when she featured regularly as the housekeeper in the long-running Bill Clinton Show. She continues to pop up from time-to-time with bit parts on the less successful unreality series 'Life with the Obamas'.
Man blames Meerkat advert for Murder Attempt
Old Bailey, Tues March 2nd:
A Watford man has been given an unconditional discharge after admitting to the court that he had attempted to kill a television advertising executive he bumped into shortly after seeing a well known Meerkat themed TV advert.
He explained that he 'just saw red' and couldn't control his actions. In mitigation, his defense barrister explained that his client had been trapped watching the excruciatingly long 'Russian Odyssey' variant and had seen it no fewer than 3 times in one hour. Afterwards he just wanted to kill anyone associated with television advertising.
Who can blame him! said the judge. |
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Downtime
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine
Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle
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Editorial Announcement
We are sorry to inform you that this month's edition of Down Time has been lost to 'Dark Flow', the recently discovered force that is destroying swaths of the Universe. We apologise for this oversight and promise to bring you a full investigation in next Month's Quantum Qorner (assuming of course that we haven't all been swallowed into oblivion....) |
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Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle?
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look!
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Reader's Letters
Quantum Confusion
Caterham on the Hill, Mon March 1st:
Sir, I think I have spotted an error in your formula describing the Drink Induced Time Dilation Effect ( GTG Dec). Admittedly I'm a non-drinker, but <the rest of this letter has been deleted for being inordinately boring - Ed>
Quantum Kudos
Davos-Klosters, Switzerland, Jan 30th :
Thanks for your very helpful article 'Drink Induced Time Dilation Effect'. I was stuck in a conference hall waiting to hear Al Gore speak when - just in time <g> - I read your piece. I just had time to order two bottles of Crystal Champagne and a jug of vodka on my expense account. It worked! I still haven't woken up. Thank you so much. Yours, <name supplied>, Trainee Assistant Deputy Climatology Officer (Street Sanitation Dept.), Grey Town Council.
Under Par
Upper Warlingham, Feb 23rd:
Following the trend highlighted in your December News Round-Up I decided to join a golf club, but I still haven't had an affair. What am I doing wrong? Yours, John. Well John, you could try switching to football? Failing that try our new problem advice service, coming soon! Ed
Have something to say? Feel free to address emails to the Editor. Content may be edited to meet space constraints or rewritten to embellish boring material. Offensive material is not acceptable, unless it happens to be hilarious. |
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Classifieds
Replica Cash Machines and ATMS: Excellent reproductions. NCR models a speciality. Would suit enthusiast collector or role player. Deluxe model features internal seat and coffee machine. Contact Micham Banking Memorabilia, Beddington Lane, Micham.
Wanted: More People who can add up. After a successful campaign we have filled all the positions at the CRU, but we have decided to diversify out of Climate Theology and into Economic Modelling and we have exciting contract work flooding in from clients in Greece and Iceland. If you know how to use a calculator (or at least how to switch it on) we want to talk to you. Fringe benefits include frequent overseas junkets and all the tazaki and herrings you can eat. Apply HR dept, CRU, PO Box 2012 Norwich.
Are you Big Boned? Do you feel you are being discriminated against? Do people point and make snide remarks about you taking food out of the mouths of starving children? Or maybe your employer won't give you a larger desk or allow you to take regular pie breaks? Or perhaps you've been hit with a fuel surcharge by a budget airline? Or maybe you just can't get yourself on and off your mobility buggy? Whatever your grievance, whatever your problem we are here to fight your cause: F.L.A.B. - the Fat Liberation Activists of Britain. If you have a problem, call us. If you want to help, join us. To qualify you must be size 24 or larger. Contact Buffy, Membership Sec, FLAB (Hackbridge Chapter), c/o Dogging Donuts, Wallington, Surrey.
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Commercial
Product Reviews
Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor. We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that! Review Rating Price Scale**: Coal (pants) £50*Charcoal (bearable) £250*Gravel (average) £1,000*Ash (good) £5,000*Platinum (ace) £10,000*Please email the Editor for further details.* Strictly Cash in Advance
** Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you, or both
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Small print:
Copyright January - March 2010 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Borg International Ltd, London.
Disclaimer:
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank |
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