The Grey Town Gazette 

News from the Urban Sprawl

November/December  2009
 
Blimey: its Christmas!
 
Santa's Ride
 
Yes its that time of year again: decorated homes and towns, jolly TV-ads, beer, wine, endless Christmas cooking shows, office parties, mornings-after-the-office-parties, pre-season sales, more wine, mince pies, credit card bills, old  movies, new movies that aren't as good as the old ones, more beer, repeats of Morecambe and Wise, two-for-one offers on satsumas you'll never eat, hangovers, board games, bored game-players, secret Santa gifts that never make it past the office bin, Christmas pop songs, pavement pizzas, dodgy mini-cabs, turkey curry, Belgian chocolates, excited kids, family, 1970s ghost stories, oversized tins of toffees, cheap sherry, inappropriate but nevertheless enjoyed advances from work colleagues, even more wine, turkey sandwiches, walks in the rain you wish were snow, more family, salmonella, crackers, beer-stained party clothes, flat batteries, more parties, more Christmas pop songs, mouldy satsumas and then its New Year!
 
We love it! And its just what the economy needs, so we hope you have a good one!
 
To help you get into the right mood we've produced a special issue of the GTG with seasonal content and reviews in our Downtime magazine.
 
We also have a very relevant article in our new science section Quantum Qorner:
 
Titled 'Drink Induced Time Dilation Effect' and reproduced with the kind permission of World Drinking Tour.com, this article explains why your perception of time changes when you drink too much. Invaluable advice for the coming parties and celebrations!
 
Christmas Appeal:
 
We mustn't forget that Christmas isn't just about hedonistic over consumption, important and worthy as that is, but its also about caring for others and helping good causes. That's why the GTG is supporting a wonderful local charity, The Grey Town Flyover Restoration Fund. Please see the appeal box in this issue and don't forget to give generously!
 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
 
Ed
 Theobabble
a Thought for Today
 
Today's Theobabble is from somebody who watches too many X-Files repeats:
 

Close Encounters of 4th kind:

 
"Why do aliens travel light years across the galaxy only to land in Arizona or Norfolk and pick up the local village idiot for research? Presumably the aliens are bright - with warp drives, Sat Nav and stuff - so just how many sad retards do they need to dissect before they realize they're wasting their time?"
 
ClownsEditorial Announcement 
 
 Correction
 
The GTG is proud of its reputation as a quality newspaper and we always strive to meet the highest standards of ethical reporting.
 
That's why when we get something wrong we are more than pleased to to admit it and print a retraction.
 
In the October edition we printed a leading article likening the EU to a Circus and its technocrats and politicians as a bunch of clowns.
 
We failed to realise the hurt and embarrassment this might cause to genuine clowns who are, of course, hard working professionals making a valued contribution to our society.
 
So to put the record straight: we did not want to imply that clowns are a bunch of power-grabbing disingenuous morally bankrupt buffoons living the high life as parasites on the backs of the long suffering taxpayers. 
 
We unreservedly apologise for this error and any offence we might have caused the clown community.
 
The GTG: a new paradigm in ethical reporting! 
 
Note: mind you, we did get it right - The EU has picked the obscure double act of Rumpy-Pumpy the clown and his side-kick 'Lady Can't remember her name' for the top jobs. Hoorah! 
 
 WorldWonder
 
No. 3 
 
Health Food
 
Double Bacon & Egg Baguette
 
An Epicurean Delight from Ben's Big Burger Bar
 
Friday wouldn't be Fryday without a bacon and egg baguette from Ben's Big Burger Bar on the Purley Way. 
 
Even Grey Town has its brighter side.
 
Hmmm, I think I'll stop waffling and pop up there for one right now! 
 
 Enviro-mental
 
Are you concerned about your impact on the environment?
 
Do you want to help save the planet?
 
Well, the GTG shares your concerns. That's why we publish this monthly advice column bringing you practical tips from the world of  Climate Theology on how you can help save the world.
 
E-mental Tip 6:
Why not stay in bed? Human beings require less energy and emit less CO2 when they are in bed.
 
Being awake and wandering around doing things is very wasteful of energy and is not to be encouraged. So its much better that you stay in bed rather than attempt to go to work.
 
While in bed its ok to watch a modern energy efficient TV, but only if you use a remote control. Food can be eaten but it should be an energy-dense type such as chocolate.

However its vitally important that you do so alone. Sharing a bed might result in unacceptable levels of energy expenditure.
 
So there you are - there's no excuse - go for it - its your duty!
 
Send us your tips:
Do you have any helpful tips you'd like to share with other readers? We welcome your contribution - remember it will be easier to save the planet if we all work together! 
 
Please email suggestions to the Editor
 
 
Quote for the Moment 

'A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it'
 
Bob Hope

(1903 - 2003)

Road to Recovery
 
Chill Winds in Copenhagen 
 
Governments can't agree on Weather Allocations 
 
 
  Developing Nations demand bigger bribes in exchange for sharing their Nice Weather
  
Britain fails to get increased Sunshine Quota
 
Will we ever get a White Christmas?
 

Endengered Species 
 
 
Copenhagen, Fri Dec 18th:
The International Climate Summit has ended in failure. 20,000 delegates, press, has-been pop-stars and assorted tree-huggers had descended on  Copenhagen for the Summit  where the World's governments were hoping to agree regional allocations of weather for the next ten years.
 
The national teams started with high hopes that they could agree a new ten year Common Weather Policy to guarantee a more equitable distribution of weather for the coming decade. The previous policy, agreed in Kyoto 1997, had not been a great success. It wasn't taken seriously by the countries that matter and that resulted in a free-for-all period of chaotic weather. So this time diplomats were keen to get an agreement that would meet everybody's aspirations.
 
But  Third World and Developing Nations have started to realise their weather is a valuable national resource and are now forcing up the price of good weather, especially hot summers, spoiling the fun for everyone.
  
Meanwhile Britain slips down the Weather League Table
The failure of the talks is another blow to Britain's hope of getting a better climate. Earlier in the month thousands of frustrated Climate Protestors marched through London to demand that something be done to improve the weather in the UK.
 
With nothing but hot air and teddy bear suits to keep them warm the marchers braved the winter gloom to lobby the government.
 
The protestors claimed that Britain's weather is not what it used to be. Everybody over 30 knows that in their childhood the summers consisted of endless days of sunshine and it always snowed at Christmas (I remember it well - Ed) but recently its all been rubbish.
 
The UK Government promised it would 'do something about it' and went to Copenhagen confident  it would get  a better deal for Britain with increased quotas of sunshine and snow.
 
Unfortunately having wasted hundreds of billions of propping up our banks and buying useless windmills the government was unable to afford the high prices being demanded for summer sun and Christmas snow, leaving the USA, Japan, Italy and France to clean-up as usual.
 
Weather Targets
Despite the lack of progress the Prime Minister insists Britain is on track for better weather by 2020, and announced a range of new targets to ensure we get there.

 Moral-Offset Trading Scheme launched by Bank-Church Consortium
 
 
Works like Carbon Offsets 
 
Rich and Powerful can sin but feel good
 
Should be popular with Politicians and Golfers 
 
Faith in the Numbers
 
 
Rome, Tues Nov 17th: 
A consortium of  leading banks and religions has launched a novel scheme to enable trading in a new conscience product called Moral Offsets.
 
The concept is similar to that well known wheeze Carbon Trading and enables countries, organizations and individuals who are affluent but ethically challenged to purchase Moral Offset Bonds (MOBs) from poorer but allegedly better behaved nations and groups. The bonds will be spiritually guaranteed by the participating religions whilst the banks will will manage the financial transactions.
 
To facilitate this they have set-up a special  investment vehicle Consolidated Soul PLC (ConSoup) to provide customers with packaged conscience products. ConSoup will buy MOBs from regulated sellers on EUMORX  (the European Moral Offset Exchange) and supply them to clients.
 
For a one-off payment the seller groups - 'Sin Sinks' - will act as moral proxies for their clients, and assume full responsibility for clients' sins, including (if necessary) taking the client's place in Hell (or wherever) should the client die before the bond matures. The Soul Sinks are mostly low-rent counties and groups who are prepared to sell  MOBs into the market. Pricing will depend on their Morality Rating and the quality of the guarantor religion. Merely being poor is not a guarantee of moral rectitude. MOBs will be available in 2, 5 and 10-year fixed terms in several varieties, depending on religion.
 
Although direct market access will be available only to larger groups, smaller groups and individuals will be able to participate through 'Sin Pooling'. Similar in concept to a unit trust these provide a mechanism for individual sinners to participate in EUMORX by buying into a collective fund.
 
According to ConSoup's prospectus: 'Anybody making provisions for their retirement and beyond will want to consider moral offsets as a prudent addition to their investment portfolio. The MOBs are Church endorsed and should the client die before they expire the bonds can be redeemed in the afterlife of choice'
 
The participating churches stressed that they will continue to offer 'Morning After Pill' options such as weekly confession and deathbed repentance to customers who sinned without having any insurance in place, but these will naturally be at a higher price.
 
Street Beggars and Charities unhappy
Europe's Professional Street Beggars Union has reacted angrily to the scheme and demanded that the EU protect its members from unfair competition. Traditional street beggars have for centuries provide a similar service, whereby passers by could exchange a some loose change for a quick shot of moral self-satisfaction.
 
Charities and NGOs are also concerned that competition from ConSoup and EUMORX will reduce their market share.
 
ConSoup insist that they are appealing to a different clientele and stress that their product fits a specific niche that will appeal to well-heeled clients of the 'Internet Generation' who are taking a longer term view. They point out that they differ form most charities in that MOBs are no nonsense insurance policies with small transaction costs. Practically none of the face value of the bonds is wasted on bloated bureaucracies, self-righteous lobbying or pointless good causes. Its all about saving your soul.

Sin Derivatives
Always quick to see new profit making opportunities, Investment Bankers and Hedge Funds have come up with a range of new sin derivative products to enable them to cash in on the secondary MOB market. One of these is so-called CDSs (Covenant Default Swaps). Effectively a kind of insurance policy, these are being offered to protect ConSoup and other resellers from the cost of MOB issuers who break their covenants. Using Covenant Default Swaps the MOB retailers will be able to collateralize their MOB Portfolio so replenishing their Morality Balance Sheet and enabling them to issue new contacts in the market.
 
Sub Prime Morality
Financial Services Watchdogs are keen to avoid the kind of issues that have caused so much inconvenience in the financial markets. To reassure investors they have held special talks with religions and churches worldwide to create a common framework for regulating the morality and spiritual depth of the participating Sin Sinks. Only groups with Investment-Grade Consciences will be allowed to sell MOBs on EUMORX.
Dark Matter
This feature consists almost entirely of Dark Matter. You may not be able to see it but it is an essential part of the Universe. Without it this edition of the GTG would disintegrate into a meaningless shambles.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
FlyoverAppealChristmas Appeal!
 
Grey Town Flyover Restoration Fund
 
Road to Nowhere
 
Something to touch the hearts of Grey Town residents
 
Grey Town Flyover needs you, and needs you now!  For years this icon of classical architecture has served the residents of Grey Town, quietly providing a means of escape from the hustle of the Metropolis.
 
But like all of us its showing its age. Sun, rain, ice, and no doubt climate change have taken their toll on this trusted old friend. The original structure, dating from the Roman occupation was radically rebuilt in the 1960s but sadly it is no longer the glistening triumph of institutional brutalism it once was. Its magnificent concrete columns are looking tarnished and grey. Its rusty balustrades hint of glories lost. It echoes to the ghosts of travellers past: who might they have been? Where did they go?
 
We shall never know of course, but out of respect for their memory and the hundreds who toiled to build and rebuild it over the centuries  its vital that we act now to save this historic landmark.
 
So please, please, please give generously and help save this wonderful structure to be enjoyed by future generations. Please send cash (no cheques please), minimum amount 50  (to cover admin costs) direct to the GTG c/o the Editor.
 
Thank you for your generosity!
In This Issue
Chill Winds in Copenhagen
Moral Offset Trading Scheme
Dark Matter
Chistmas Appeal: Grey Town Flyover Restoration Fund
Climate High Priest Accused
News Round-Up
Quantum Qorner: Drink Induced Time Dilation Effect
Downtime - Arts, Reviews, Food, Drink, Lifestyle
Christmas Concert: Ring Tones On Ice
Christmas Destination: Grey Town Castle
Fog Horn: Readers' Letters
Classifieds
Commercial
High Priest of Climate Theology 
accused of 'Fixing' the Scriptures
 
Supposed Miracles actually 'Tricks'
 
Published Graph based on Inter-College Hockey Results
 
High Priest Claims Original Data was 'eaten by his dog' 
 
 
Nice CurveNorwich, Thurs 19th Nov:
The East Anglian Climatology Re-engineering Unit (CRU), one of Norfolk's leading seats of theological study, has found itself at the centre of an escalating controversy over its canonical methods. Leaked scrolls from its Scriptures Archive appear to imply that its exalted prophets and seers might have been making things up.
 
The CRU has been one of the most influential centres of learning for the new religion and its ability to divine the future of global climates has brought comfort to legions of followers. If the accusations turn out to be true it could seriously undermine the doctrines of climate theology.
 
Background

The original temperature records, collected over centuries, were based on Norfolk turnip yields. Turnip yields are not universally accepted as a measure of temperature (and there can be variations according to turnip variety) so they  needed to be converted into a more digestible form.
 
In particular the information needed to be understandable by their target audience: politicians, rock stars and TV news crews. In short, they needed to draw a picture.
 
This is perfectly normal, but there is some controversy over the method used by the CRU to arrive at its famous diagram. Converting Turnip Yields into Celsius is a notoriously complex calculation and the team estimated it would take them several decades to complete the task, which meant they would probably run out of grant funding before they could get their religion off the ground. There was also no guarantee that the figures could be trusted to be reliable enough to support the Sect's Prophecies, their whole raison d'etre. They needed to do something trick.
 
Serendipity
Luckily one of the research team is a bit of a sports buff and had noticed that for the sample period they had already converted (March 1971)the weekly average temperatures matched the winning scores for the inter-college hockey matches over the same period. A perfect correlation no less! Spooky, but convenient. The sports results were readily available so all they needed to do to complete their quest was to take the hockey results over the last 150 years and plot them into a nice graph. And when they did, it looked exactly as they had predicted it would. Bingo!

Original records lost
However there are some Heretics who question this interpretation, and they've used Freedom of Worship legislation to demand access to the original Turnip data so that they can perform their own analysis.
 
But the High Priest he can't hand over the data because the records were eaten by his dog Skip (a border collie). The Heretics question this but the High Priest is sticking to his story.
 
Skip was not available for comment.
 
News Round-Up 
 
Government to buy National Identity Register from Russian Mafia
 
No point re-inventing the wheel: card scammers already have all our details
 
Whitehall Tues 24th Nov:
The Home Office has announced a deal to purchase the contents of the UK's controversial National Identity Register from the Russian Mafia.
 
Ministers decided that there was no point wasting taxpayer's money reinventing the wheel when the Mafia already have efficient systems in place for collecting personal details.
 
The UK PR for the Russian Mafia heralded the deal as a new phase in Anglo-Russian relations: "we are very proud to be working with  the UK Government on this exciting project, which legitimises our strategy of investing in people".
 
Passports too?
If the relationship proves a success the Mafia might also be asked to become suppliers of Passports and Driving Licences, although they are likely to face stiff competition from established players in Central Asia and Nigeria.
 
 
Sport: Men Scramble to join Golf Clubs
 
Suburbia, Dec 20th:
Golf Clubs are reporting a massive increase in applications from aspiring members.  Insiders are saying that recent positive publicity has helped golf throw off its stodgy suburban image and men of all ages are suddenly realising the sport's athletic potential.
 
 
Cumbrian Town Flooded with Journalists
 
Once in a Thousand Years Media Event
Reporters 8 feet deep in places
 
Cockermouth, Cumbria Mon 23rd Nov:
The townspeople of Cockermouth Cumbria were being allowed back into their town after the worst recorded flood of of media attention in 1,000 years.
 
The flood started on Friday 20th November and steadily got worse as wave after wave of excitable 24-hour news crews fell on the town and its surrounding hills, each team competing for exposure and access to the town's limited resources.
 
The crisis was made worse by a general drought of news in the preceding weeks, which lead to this sudden and uncontrolled torrent of attention. 
 
As the media types converged on the town its 19th century infrastructure simply couldn't cope and soon they were spilling into shops, businesses and homes. Nowhere was safe.
 
At one point the pavements were 8 feet deep with frenzied news teams.
 
By Monday the worst was over. The reporters and their crews had started to ebb and the Police after appropriate health and safety checks (of course)  felt it was safe to let the locals back into their own town.
 
By the monday afternoon most of the news hacks had left,  but sadly leaving a wrecked town strewn with the grotty detritus of a has-been story.
QQQuantum Qorner
The Science of Tomorrow Applied Today
 
Drink Induced Time Dilation Effect
- or, the bits missing from Einstein's General Relativity

Author: Round A.Bout
First Published on 
World Drinking Tour.com Wed June 14th 2006


 Applied Science
Sorry to start talking quantum mechanics before we've even started drinking (although this inversion of cause and effect could in itself be proof that serious drinking is definitely going to happen), but I've been pondering the subject of how time becomes increasingly compressed in proportion to the volume of alcohol consumed.

I shan't bore you with my highly scientific analysis, but here are my conclusions:

 
1. Start drinking as soon as you can, because you will almost certainly run out of time later (although it has been known for the bar to run out of stock first, but that's a different problem...)
 
2. The reason you can't remember anything about the evening after a certain time is that after a certain volume the evening ceases to exist.
 
3. Some misguided folk think the time-dilation effect can be counteracted by doubling up on the orders as the evening progresses. Unfortunately this is self-defeating, particularly when at closing time and with a taxi waiting, you have to down 4 x Westvleteren 12 in 45 seconds.
 
4. The compression of time has a benign effect on the journey home, because it allows you to get home before you need the "gents" (or before you need the wash basin.....depending on the nature of the emergency). This is particularly useful on the long taxi ride back from St. Sixtus to Brussels, or from The Skim to Knightsbridge.
 
5. The reason sober people think you are slurring your speech when you're drunk is that they are in a different time dimension. Quite by accident I've discovered the antidote to this - drink Westvleteren 12's. I've found they allow you to switch between time dimensions at will. This is particularly useful when phoning random friends on the journey home. Note: this only works if you stick exclusively to the 12's - diluting with 6's and 8's counteracts the effect.
 
6. In physics, every action has an opposite reaction, and the proof of this is that the compression of time is balanced by the expansion of your mobile phone bill.

Fancying myself to be a mathematician (a common fantasy here in Croydon), I've devised the following formula to describe the above phenomena:

DT = t / ( 15v * square(AI))

Where:
DT = Drink Time (perceived time)(hours)
t = "normal" time elapsed in minutes
v = Volume (in units) consumed
AI = Alcoholic Index

Sample AI values:

Water = 1
Budweiser = 1.0000000000000000001
Cobra = 5
Addlestone's = 7 (note: based on observation rather than experience)
Westvleteren 6 = 6
Westvleteren 8 = 8
Westvleteren 12 = 12
Dry Martini (c/o Tiger Tiger, Croydon) = 1
Dry Martini (c/o Zaika, Kensington) = 25
Coffee = 0.5


You will note that although increased volume results in ever more compression of time, time never stops completely. Note also, that drinking coffee or not having at least one drink every 15 minutes reverses the effect and can cause time to drag. Worse still, drinking nothing at all makes DT seem, literally, like an eternity. This means you will have no choice to repeat the challenge the following day. This is proof that there really is a meaning to life, the universe and everything.
 
R.A.B.
 
Addendum Dec 2009: drinking multiple units of water or coffee will also reduce percieved time - that's because you keep wanting to go to the loo - but the effect is much smaller than for proper alcoholic drinks.
Downtime
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine

Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle


Christmas Concert Review: Ring Tones on Ice   
 
Featuring:
The Grey Town Philharmonic
Waddon Male-Voice Text Choir
Cane Hill Asylum Alumni Dance Troupe
 
An Enchanting Holiday Show for all Ages
 
Grey-Scale Rating: Platinum 
 
Field of DreamsGreyfield Halls, Sat Dec 19th: 
Grey Town's glitterati sat spellbound as the Grey Town Philharmonic treated them to a night of sparkling music and dance entertainment.
 
Featuring a catalogue of classics from  Nokia, Motorola,  Ericsson, Alcatel and too many others to mention the show was a trip down memory lane, and clearly thrilled the audience of travelling salesmen, estate agents and dysfunctional teenagers.
 
Crammed into a hectic 3 hours, the performance featured no fewer than 283 timeless hits.
 
The program was split into three parts: part one focused on pre-polyphonic classics whilst part two featured an array of contemporary hits, and part three illegal downloads played through special tinny sounding speakers. Something for every age group!
 
Audience Participation 
In a nice touch the conductor asked the audience to make sure their mobile phones were on and encouraged them to call and text each other during the show. In his own words: "In times of recession its vital that we encourage audience participation to help people escape from their daily drudge and enjoy a few hours of escapist fun. The Blitz Spirit is alive and well in Grey Town". Hear hear!
 
The evening ended with a rousing rendition of local anthem Land of Dope and Glory (Alcatel 3-note version in C-minor) with accompaniment from the Waddon Male Voice Choir singing in text-shorthand. Fabulous!
 
I so enjoyed the evening that it wasn't even spoilt by the customary mugging on my way back to Grey Town East station. Excellent!
 
Its bound to be a hit with kids and senile relatives. Be sure to book early!
  
Special Christmas Offer from the Grey Town Gazette: A Souvenir CD Box Set!
In partnership with Grey Town Council, the Greyfield Halls and the Grey Town Philharmonic the GTG is selling a special double CD box set recorded live at Saturday's show. All profits will go towards the Grey Town Flyover Restoration Appeal. See Classified section for details! 

Grey Scale Ratings explained:
Coal (pants)  Charcoal (bearable) Gravel (average) Ash (good) Platinum (ace)

 
Family Day Out: Grey Town Castle   
 
Romantic Icon of Grey Town's Feudal Past is an ideal destination for families this Boxing Day.
 
Architectural Gem celebrating its 900th anniversary

 
Magic CastleGrey Town East, Fri 13th Nov: 
Standing proud near Grey Town East Station is one of England's most famous and well loved historic buildings: Grey Town Castle.

Dating from AD 1109 the tower is the earliest surviving example of  cantilevered steel-frame building in western Europe.

The tower, which is is actually the keep of the original larger castle, was built by Henry I at the strategic confluence of the Wandle river and the A23 Turnpike in an attempt to control the unruly hoards of Waddon and Beddington, then under the rule of Henry's rebellious half-cousins Wayne and Connor d'Anjou (1st and 2nd Barons Roundshaw respectively).

The architect, Norman Rogers, was much feted by his contemporaries and the building won several prestigious prizes. Towering to 24 floors and with rather large windows that made it hard to defend, the building was nevertheless seen as a triumph of contemporary design over function (always the most important objective for architects). Henry was less impressed - particularly by the 5,000 Groat budget overrun - and had Norman thrown from the top floor. Children will love to visit the spot on the pavement below where you can still see his impact imprint in the concrete.

The building proved to be too expensive to maintain and rapidly fell into decline. It was so expensive to run that during the Civil War it is unique in being simultaneously occupied by both sides: the Royalists leased the top 12 floors and the Roundheads the lower 12. This uneasy situation lasted only three months until one evening after indulging in rather too much claret the Royalists attempted a cavalry charge on their neighbours. Sadly this act of bravado backfired when the mule-powered lifts failed, leaving the Royalists and their horses stranded at the top without food and water (or claret for that matter).

During the middle ages its surrounding walls had been plundered by locals to build other buildings in Grey Town and even today the eagle-eyed might spot these reused materials in early sections of the Greygift Centre and the equally historic Grey Town Flyover (See our special Christmas Flyover Restoration Appeal - Ed). 
 
After the Civil War the surviving tower fell into disuse and stood abandoned for several decades before being requisitioned by Grey Town Corporation. The building then went through several ignominious uses - a grain store, brothel, a branch of the Inland Revenue and more recently a Lunatic Asylum. 
 
Unsympathetically Restored in the '60s
Sadly during the 1960s despite much opposition including a valiant but unsuccessful campaign by Sir John Betjeman,  the castle's celebrated pink granite and carrera marble facade was torn down and rebuilt in the then fashionable concrete 'bunker' style and finished in end-of-line bathroom tiling sourced from a local B&Q.
 
Today the Castle functions as Grey Town's official Light House, lit with dazzling multi-coloured lights to warn unwary travellers to keep well clear of the murky town below.
 
Visitor Centre
To celebrate its 900th anniversary the castle is hosting a special exhibition at its foyer visitor centre, which will be manned throughout the holiday period by members of Grey Town's Historical Society. Activities include reenactments of the 12th century battle of Selhurst Junction, mock lynchings and a bungee jump from the roof called the 'Bouncing Norman' in a tribute to the architect.
 
Its bound to be very popular, so be sure to turn up early! 
Lifestyle: Hob's Gob 
 
The view from the Underworld
 

 
Death and Soul of the PartyHob is busy stoking boilers and will return in the new year.   
 
 
 
Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
 
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town
 
Stacey is having her plumbing seen to and will return in the New Year.
 
Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle? 
 
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look! 

 
Fog Horn

Reader's Letters

Clowns have feelings
Pier Theatre, Skipdock-on-Sea, 5th Dec
Dear Sir, I am very upset by your insulting article about the EU President (GTG Oct). I am a professional clown and I am deeply hurt and upset by your comparing clowns to the presidential candidates. I work hard and pay my taxes and I'm not a crook or a scrounger. And my audience love me (sometimes they even laugh!) Yours, Coco Big-Feet.
 
Tears of a Clown
Micham, Dec 17th:
Sir, I'm seething about your 'EU Circus' article. I run a Refuge for old clowns and they haven't stopped crying since they read the article. I can say that they are fine outstanding people who would never fiddle their expenses or steer our country to economic ruin. So give them a break. Yours, Cecily Smith (Miss), Micham Clown Rescue, surrey.
 
Well, what can we say? We had over 500 letters on this theme and although most of them were too boring to reproduce here, we do recognise that this is an issue that has touched the hearts of our readership, and we want to put it right. Please see our editorial announcement - Ed

 
Have something to say? Feel free to address emails to the Editor. Content may be edited to meet space constraints or rewritten to embellish boring material. Offensive material is not acceptable, unless it happens to be hilarious.
Classifieds
 
For Sale: Kyoto Accord. R-Reg (Aug '97). Classic Japanese Dream Car. Perfect condition - hardly used - delivery mileage only! Colour Green. Everything works except environmental control.

 
Ring Tone Spectacular CD Box Set:
In partnership with Grey Town Council, the Greyfield Halls and the Grey Town Philharmonic the GTG is selling a special double CD box set recorded live at Greyfield Halls. All profits will go towards the Grey Town Flyover Restoration Appeal. So make somebody's Christmas and help a worthy cause at the same time! Only 19.95 including P&P. Plus, if you order now you will also receive an absolutely free complimentary copy of the hit audio book "One sided conversations" - the definitive collection of mobile phone conversations as recorded live on trains, buses and offices of Grey Town. Wow! Order direct from the GTG or at the Greyfield Halls Souvenir Shop.
 
Wanted: People who can add up. If you know how to use a calculator (or at least how to switch it on) we want to talk to you. Fringe benefits include frequent overseas junkets and all the turnips you can eat. Apply HR dept, CRU, PO Box 2012 Norwich. 
 
Christmas Appeal: Please help a Clown. Clowns are an endangered species, many of them getting old and no longer wanted by their audience. No longer able to make people laugh they are unceremoniously thrown out of the circus and left to fend for themselves on the harsh streets of the real world. We run a clean friendly sanctuary where clowns of all ages can live out the rest of their lives in comfort surrounded by friends. Return a little pleasure this Christmas: Save a Clown! Donations to Cecily Smith (Miss), Micham Clown Rescue.
 
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Product Reviews

Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
 
We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with  the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor.
 
We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that!
 
 
Review Rating Price Scale**:
 
Coal (pants)            50*
Charcoal (bearable)    250*
Gravel (average)     1,000*
Ash (good)           5,000*
Platinum (ace)      10,000*

Please email the Editor for further details.

* Strictly Cash in Advance
** Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you, or both
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Small print:
Copyright November, December 2009 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
 
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Borg International Ltd, London.
 
Disclaimer:
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
 
The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank