Link to Part 1: Serenity, Part 1 

Link to Bazooka-Proof 

First, a definition. This is a direct quote from a program called Kabalah, A Process of Awakening:

"Many think of detachment as severance from the world to the point where one becomes unfeeling and uncaring. Actually, detachment is the middle road between attachment and nonattachment.

Attachment means 'to bind together by personal ties or [to fasten].' If two things are bound fast, the stronger unit controls the weaker. If they are of equal strength, which is highly unlikely, neither would have individual freedom.

The opposite of attachment is nonattachment. The prefix 'non' means 'the reverse or absence of' indicating that nonattachment would be the absence of any kind of relationship. Without interaction, little growth can be achieved. Without emotional expression, one figuratively becomes inhuman. Conversely, attachment is the personal immersion within feelings to the point of total identification with them.

Both attachment and nonattachment signify imbalance, yet there are times when either can be beneficially utilized. Sometimes binding oneself to something is necessary, but attachment becomes imbalanced if we cannot release the bonds. Often it is necessary to become nonattached to a particular person or thing, but total, overall non attachment may leave us unable to relate to anything.

The prefix 'de' means 'to draw away from, or remove from.' Detachment is the balance [between] attachment and nonattachment. Detachment indicates having an association with someone or something without being bound to it. There is interaction, but also freedom."

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Another way of describing detachment is "to be in the world but not of it." This is an indication that we are to live life and learn to flow with it rather than avoid it, control it, or become emotional if things don't go our way.

A common mistake people make around detachment is to confuse "acceptance" with tolerating, resignation, and ignoring. For example, I often hear people say that they "accept" someone else's poor behavior when in truth they are allowing something to happen that shouldn't be happening because they don't know how to stop it. In these cases, non-action is nonattachment.

Detachment doesn't mean you don't take action. Au contraire. It means you DO take action, but from the perspective of right action. Wrong action (some examples using the above situation): berating, manipulating, making the other person wrong, stonewalling. Right action: "I have learned that if you're not being good to me, then I'm not being good to me. So, I am asking that you change your behavior, or I will need to _______________." (take appropriate self-care action)

Another issue people have to deal with is that of feeling selfish or seeming insensitive. Changing behaviors can feel uncomfortable. It will likely feel awkward to detach yourself from people, situations, and reactions you have been overly attached to.

When attached to others, we tend to become overly concerned about their feelings and put their needs before ours. To stop doing that can look selfish and insensitive, and it is quite common for others in one's life who have been accustomed to being put first to think so, too. But even that is an opportunity to practice detachment -- to not allow the fear of seeming selfish/insensitive to linger just because someone else is resisting, or making you feel badly about, your attempt to take care of yourself. One thing to remember is that delivery is everything. It will make a big difference how you communicate whatever it is you need to do.

OK, this is pretty complex stuff and I'm speaking in generalities, so I will end with an example and an exercise so that you can start practicing detachment. And then in the next newsletter I will include more specific examples so that we can continue to explore this important subject.

Example: "Sheila" met this really great guy, and he asked for her number.

Attachment: She constantly checks her phone. She talks to all her girlfriends about him. She is devastated if he doesn't call. She is elated beyond words if he does. Her happiness depends on that call.

Nonattachment: She expects him not to call. She tells herself she doesn't care if he calls. She closes her heart to any hope that something good could happen.

Detachment: "Sheila" might think about him from time to time and hope that he calls, but she goes about her life because her enjoyment does not depend on the phone ringing. If he calls, she feels happy to hear from him, but not overly so because it is one of many joys in her day. If he doesn't, she might feel disappointed, but not for long because she knows she has a great life and other opportunities will come along. Her sense of self is not dictated by what he does or does not do.

Exercise:

Notice when you have an emotional reaction to something (upset, frustration, disappointment, fear, anger, resentment), and notice when you close your heart and tell yourself not to care. See if you can come up with examples of attachment and nonattachment, and if you want my input, feel free to write in with your examples and questions. EXTRA CREDIT: practice detaching!

Email me with your examples and questions: Talk to me!