Don't Throw the Daddy Doll Under the Bed

Special Heart

Don't Throw the Daddy Doll Under the Bed

by Mike Linder

Erma Bombeck wrote a column in 1981 describing her perception as a child of her father's role:

Whenever I played house, the mother doll had a lot to do. I never knew what to do with the daddy doll, so I had him say "I'm going off to work now" and threw him under the bed.

It is often the case in a family that the mom is tightly tuned in to the nurturing and the interactions with the children while the dad tends to be more removed...in part simply because of the difference in time spent with the kids. And this is often even more the case when there is a child with special needs.

We dads really do have more to contribute than a kiss goodbye each day and a toss under the bed! God has designed for men to be providers for their family, not only materially, but also by way of encouragement and involvement--not like moms involvement, but still very important.

In general, how will a son learn how to be a godly and caring man if he seldom interacts with his dad? And how will a daughter discern the God-given role of a husband if she never sees it modeled? Then add to that kids who have extra challenges, and the need for that interaction with the most important man in their lives becomes even more crucial.

My friend Jim Leonard says, "A lot of times the rearview mirror gives a clearer picture than the windshield." My wife Beverly and I are in the phase of parenting when we are looking back. The days of looking forward in terms of raising our kids are over. And Jim's comment really applies. We see more clearly in many ways as we look back.

As I thought about writing this article, I didn't want to beat up on any dads! That's the last thing they need. But what kept coming to my mind is ways that my wife made it easier for me to raise my kids, and specifically my kids who had needs that were special. Raising these kids is intimidating! And we need all the help and encouragement we can get. So let me share a few ways that wives can encourage their husbands to be more involved with their special kids. (As always, Beverly and I learned these things mostly the hard way, through our mistakes!)

It can really help to step out of the picture and let Dad do something with the kids without you present. Maybe Dad fixes lunch on Saturdays and watches a video with the kids. (Meanwhile, you, Mom, are out without anyone to take care of for a few hours, and that is a real refresher for you!) Or maybe dad takes the kids out to fish. (We found a place where it's easy to get around in a wheelchair or walker.)Or you hand off the Walmart list to Dad and he takes the kids to do the shopping.

But there is a very important element to all this. The wife shouldn't ask a lot of questions when she gets back with her family like, "What did you eat? Did you stick to Johnny's diet restrictions?" "Did you have warm enough coats on when you were fishing?" "What?! You didn't have any coats on at all??" "You didn't let Susie get any toys at Walmart, did you?"

No, the time has to be handed over to Dad with few or no questions asked. Nothing shreds a dad's motivation more than getting the third degree every time he tries to get involved with his kids!

Another thing you can do, Moms, to encourage your husband's involvement is to talk plain and don't expect him to read your mind! Don't assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to your husband. If you would like him to help in some way, ask him straight out! Avoid these kinds of thoughts (which I hear from my wife is common in the female mind); "If he cared it would be plain what he needs to do, and I shouldn't have to ask him to do it!"

Unfortunately, we are just not as perceptive in some areas as our wives and what is clear to them, never occurs to us. If you let us know the specific need, we just might step up and engage in a way that brings our strengths and unique contributions to the forefront in helping our kids become all that they can be. Direct communication like, "Would you......" really helps. With a "would you" question, I know what is needed and I don't have to read anyone's mind!

Something that Bev and I have found crucial to both of our motivation in parenting is not to blame hard times on each other. Life gets complicated, especially when raising kids with more difficult issues than most. Don't view your husband as the enemy! (And he shouldn't view you that way either.) When a man senses that his wife is talking to her friends about how he has failed as a husband and a dad, he might withdraw in a way that you may never be able to find him.

Instead, ask for times to communicate and share how you feel. Don't judge the success of the communication by the immediate response. Often times we husbands need longer to be willing to admit we could do something better. I find it hard to come to grips with the fact that I'm not perfect, even though everyone else figured that out a long time ago. Many times after there is a little "space" we are willing to admit a need to grow and work out a plan to make progress.

So those are some of the things I see as I look in "the rear view mirror" as a dad. Hopefully, these things have helped you understand the male mind better, and you can avoid having the daddy doll spend time under the bed!

Mike Linder

Click here to link to marriage articles by Mike and Bev:

Surviving Marriage When Parenting Gets Tough Part I

Surviving Marriage When Parenting Gets Tough Part II