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Surviving Marriage-When Parenting Gets Tough
Part II
A Little Help With Self-Control
Mike: Before Bev shares about our recent communication adventures, I wanted to tell of an exercise we did years ago with our boys that really has helped. We were looking for a way to communicate the importance of receiving constructive criticism in a family Bible study time. We wanted to make passages on the subject memorable like,
"It is better to listen to the rebuke of a wise man than for one to listen to the songs of fools". (Eccl 7:5)
I guess we found this idea in some sort of creative Bible study workbook, but I was the one who volunteered to have duct tape on my mouth while the rest of the family told me things that could be improved on in my life. This way I could not interrupt them to defend myself or dismiss what they were saying. I had to listen. As you can see from the picture, my sons thought this was great fun, and I discovered that only duct tape could keep me from being defensive at some points when my family had some "constructive criticism" for me.
Bev and I have often referred back to that evening. It turns out that it became a memorable study for the two of us. We continue to try (with varying degrees of success) to have imaginary tape over our mouths when the other gives feedback that we might not want to hear.
How can we grow if we never are able to see our weaknesses? If our spouse can't share constructive criticism without getting shut off, who will bring us face to face with things we need to grow in? And this is even more important when we are trying to figure out how to parent kids who need extra care and attention.
Talk, Talk and Talk Some More...
Bev: Recently, my husband and I took a day together. Sometimes we make these times pure fun, but this time we talked: We started out at breakfast in a restaurant, continued "hashing things out" on a mountain walk, and ended in quaint coffee shop where we stayed another several hours. Mike has always said that he doesn't really care for those "go down deep and stay down long" communication times, but he buckled down and went for it on this occasion.
I'll share just a couple of the things that were helpful about that day when we talked and listened until strongholds of negativism were toppled to the ground. (It might be helpful for you to know that we don't always communicate well with each other, and the times that we do have been learned the hard way-- through learning from our mistakes!)
*We kept in mind the proverb that says,
"There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." (Proverbs 12:18)
God gives a vivid picture of what we are doing to our spouse when we don't choose our words carefully. Parents who have deep and on-going hurts and trials from challenges with their kids are very sensitive to criticism. Words can be like a sword thrust into the heart--or they can
be balm for healing. (Even if the communication isn't pleasant or about tough issues, carefully chosen words can still be healing.)
*We employed the famous duct tape adventure that we did many years ago with our boys. It was fair game to say, "I'm not finished saying what I wanted to say." And then the same courtesy was applied when the other got his or her "turn." This prevents interruption "explosions" when each person applies that imaginary duct tape to their mouths.
"He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him." (Proverbs 18:13)
I am especially inclined to step on people's sentences. Thank the Lord for the ability to grow in any area!
As we shared in Part I, the divorce rate for parents of kids with special needs is thought to be 80%! Talking is one way to beat the odds--and talking with God's Word and God's thoughts mingled into the conversation tends to melt away resentment and bitterness. For example, when Mike and I talked about the circumstances surrounding our daughter's death, we spoke out loud the truth of Psalm 139:16: "And in your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." Saying this truth out loud made it clear to our hearts that Kristie died because God called her home exactly on His timetable. That left no room for guilt or blame.
More Than Business Partners
Mike: When a couple has kids, and especially if there are any children with harder-than-average challenges, the mom and dad who used to be a couple in love, can become in essence nothing more than business partners--"You do this, and I'll take care of that." "You take the day shift at the hospital; I'll take the night shift." "I'll meet you at 2:00 for the meeting at school." "I'll take this kid to soccer; you take that one to therapy." And on and on it goes. Business partners.
I have tried over the years to overcome the business-only relationship that tends to set in when parenting gets tough.
Here are a few of my attempts:
Foot Rubs: My wife tells me that feet that are relaxed and happy make for a relaxed and happy person. I have never experienced that with my own feet, but foot rubs make my wife happy. Business partners
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don't do foot rubs, but husbands who love their wives do (or whatever it happens to be that makes your wife feel loved and happy.)
Time to Talk: We have coffee at Starbucks on Sunday nights. I need time to get beyond "news, weather, and sports" in my conversations. This gives me time to open up more and talk more at a soulish leve, a level I don't go to with my business associates.
Be willing to have fun:
I recall forcing myself to sign up for family camp one year when we had recently suffered a big physical set back for one of our kids. I didn't want to participate in anything I didn't have to, especially if there was going to be some fun and games associated with it. But we went. It ended up being a good time for both Beverly and me. We even participated in some zany games. I remember that well because Beverly was my arms in a skit where she made me drink a glass of raw eggs. (No, I didn't get salmonella. We were younger then and didn't worry about such things.)
No matter how heavy things in your life get, step away and have some fun. It is God's will for you to have fun with your wife. It makes for a relationship that is more than just business partners! And in all this don't forget how much your kids benefit from seeing that mom and dad love each other in tangible ways.
Mike and Bev Linder
2010
www.special-heart.com
bev@special-heart.com
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