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Surviving Marriage-When Parenting Gets Tough
My husband Mike and I have had three children. Our daughter Kristie died at age three, our son Brad was born with the same muscle condition as Kristie and has survived many surgeries and lots of "close calls." And it hasn't always been a piece of cake with our so-called "typical"son either! Yes, we like you, have had our share of amazing parenting times!
And what happens to the blissful couple, who just before the kids arrived, were head-over-heals in love with each other? What happens when reality sets in, especially when it comes to difficult parenting times? I haven't found any real reliable source for statistics, but the figure that keeps coming up on Google articles is that the divorce rate for couples who have kids with special issues is about 80 percent.
Mike and I found ourselves at a coffee shop recently (a sign that our kids are growing up and life is not quite as intense as previous years), and decided to write down some thoughts about how we have survived marriage-having come out a bit exhausted, but hanging in there, stronger in our faith, and-believe it or not-still in love after 29 ½ years .
These are little tidbits, and obviously marriage is a lot more complicated than tidbits. But on the other hand, sometimes simple gestures of kindness and respect can reverse strongholds. Some of these things we have learned the hard way, and most (really all), we are still working on!
Mike: Work with what you have been handed. For our family, for example, sledding looked different. Brad wasn't able to balance on a sled when he was little, so we discovered that he could "sled" with the best of them inside a recycling bin (a kind of plastic box that slides very nicely on snow). There's usually a way to make things work, even for kids with limitations.
Once we learned that orthopedic appointments entailed waiting 2 to 4 hours to see the doctor, we would come equipped with plenty of snacks and games. The waiting room became a party room and the scene where the new world's champion was crowned for winning the most rounds of Crazy Eights.
Critical care units brought us together with others who we could minister to when they also needed it most.
When we have had to travel for surgery, getting there a couple days early makes room for time at the zoo, or the beach, or the historic district, etc. We were fortunate to have a surgeon in San Diego. There's nothing like getting drenched with water by a killer whale at Sea World the day before surgery is scheduled to forget about your troubles.
Today is the life God has given you. Make it the best it can be. If you do that as a couple you can make good memories together to go along with some you would just as soon forget, and you discover with Paul that "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13)
Bev: Don't compare your spouse, your kids, or your life to anyone else. Don't think that the "good life" is somewhere else. It's a lie to believe that. Embrace the family and the life that God has given you and in the end you just might find that you have a greater treasure than most people have experienced. The Apostle Paul said, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself." (Philippians 4:11) Don't miss out on the "good life." It's right where you are!
Mike: I am energized watching the flawless teamwork of a double play that gets a pitcher who is in trouble off the hook and out of a difficult inning. (As long as it is my team that turned the double play). We can bring some needed teamwork to our home and help to get our wife out of a tough time.
When you come home, if you pick up a large part of the load she carries when you are away, it can make what is too much for one, do-able. That might mean taking charge of night time routines. For me, cooking dinner would be a curse rather than a blessing, but I am an expert at getting the most dishes into a dish washer. If you are off on Saturday, it can be a good time to take charge of the house and suggest your wife do what she wants with no rush and no one to take care of. Ecclesiastes 4:9 so greatly applies to the couple raising a child with harder-than-average challenges: "Two are better than one...if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion."
Bev: Make your home a happy place. Women can set the mood, the tone of the entire household. Cook special meals for your family, decorate the home to be a warm and inviting place, and most of all show forth a contented spirit. Oh, the power of a smile coming from the lady of the house! Make your home an inviting place for your husband to come home to. It will wash away much of the stress and anxiety of his life to arrive home to a happy atmosphere. "A cheerful heart has a continual feast." (Proverbs 15:15)
What about when one of your children has what seems to be continual needs and stressful situations? All the more reason to make your home a refuge in as many ways as you are able.
Mike: Be a source of joy in your home. There have been times we have survived in spite of me not doing this, but it sure made it harder. I am working on having a joyful spirit because the stress of our life situation has tended to produce in me a "heavy" spirit.
In my marriage I have observed my wife doing ok with the challenges of the needs in our home and living above the storm, until I show up down in the dumps. It's possible for everyone to go under when one person isn't doing his part.
I am talking over with God the state of joy in my life on a regular basis lately and reminding Him and myself that I want Him to be in charge of my demeanor. It's a wonderful thing when I can come through the door and have a spirit of enthusiasm that helps everyone else to look on the bright side of life.
Bev: Don't let the stress make you unkind to each other. How about a real recent example...like today... This week my son Brad has had a bad cold and we were pleased how well he handled it all week. Because of his weakness, he usually ends up in respiratory distress. Today, the congestion finally got the better of him. His oxygen was in the 70's (supposed to be in the 90's) as he tried to get rid of the last of the congestion.
I called my husband at work because he has been paying monthly to have some oxygen tanks around "just in case." Good idea. But one problem. The regulator that enables the oxygen to flow out of the tank was not with the tanks (meanwhile, Brad is not getting enough oxygen--stressful, stressful!) So I rather accusingly said to my husband on the phone, "A lot of good it does to have oxygen tanks with no regulator!" And God's Spirit within me reminded me to "chill out" and say no more. A stressful moment is not the time to "communicate." Proverbs says, "how delightful is a timely word!" (15:23)
You know, I've always thought that Joyce Meyer's book, Me and My Big Mouth should have been written by me! But the good news is God is making me more careful, more kind, and a better wife, by His grace, as time goes by. So even if you happen to have a "big mouth" like I do, seek God's power to change you. He will! (By the way, we got everything worked out and Brad is doing just fine :) )
Do you notice that the changes in my husband and me have taken time? Be committed to your spouse while God works in him or her. That commitment is the glue that will hold your family together, and I believe that you will eventually see the"good life" become a reality in your home, not as defined by the world, but in an even better way!
Mike and Bev Linder
2010
www.special-heart.com
bev@special-heart.com
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