There's a section in Kahil Gibran's The Prophet, in which he describes love as having a quality of togetherness and separation, like two pillars of a temple that must stand close yet distant enough to hold the sacred structure. Gibran invites us to "let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you."

The concept of healthy boundaries is a complex idea to understand.  We think that in order to have healthy boundaries we may have to be harsh with others and risk upsetting the people in our lives who are asking for our time and energy.  Feeling needed and knowing that we can help others are positive emotions.  It feels good to feel needed... sometimes.

Boundaries can be a problematic issue for big-hearted people whose caring nature is to be always kind and compassionate.  The issue is not that they are those beautiful qualities.  Those are qualities that any human being ought to be proud to posses. The issue is that these people often put their own needs last, taking care of others and pleasing everyone except themselves.

When we give away our sense of self and ignore our wants and needs to tend to others, we are turning our backs on the small child within us that depends on us to be the champion he or she always dreamed would be by its side.  That child is looking to us to be the one who listens, cares, and stands up for his or her needs.  It needs us to guard its time, energy, dreams, and desires; to be the one who always looks out for its best interest and gently lets others know when he or she is available to play and when not.

Healthy boundaries are an expression of self-love.  We connect to a sense of protection, safety, love and happiness in our lives the moment that the small child within us knows without question that at every moment of every day there will be a loving champion who says "Don't you worry kid, I've got your back."  That means that in all of our activities and relationships, our relationship to our friends, spouses, parents, children, as well as in our relationships to things such as drugs, alcohol, T.V., food, sex, and our relationships to our dreams, aspirations, and goals, the champion inside of us "has our back" and is looking out for the well being and welfare of our small child within.  Our champion takes a stand on our behalf.

A healthy boundary is, by definition, one that lets good things in and keeps bad ones out.  By contrast, unhealthy boundaries are either too permeable, letting everything in, or too rigid, letting nothing in or out.