John is having an affair. His affair fuels him. He is passionate... he is happy! He also feels guilty. He did not set out to hurt his wife. So, why not just tell her? Why not simply come out and tell her the truth? After all, John's affair is with dancing.

 

In Shall We Dance?, ever-handsome Richard Gere plays John Clark, a man with everything anyone could ever wish for-a beautiful and loving wife, a family, a successful career, the house in the suburbs. Yet, John Clark is not always happy. He is missing something that makes him feel lackluster. He is guilt-ridden that he feels empty when he's got so much; when he's got everything he's always wanted. So one night John begins his great quest for happiness when he decides to step outside his numbing mold and signs-up for ballroom dance classes.

 

Sometimes, it seems the issue we face is being trapped in the merry-go-round of trying to catch the ever elusive brass ring. And even when we get what we thought we wanted, we seem to be unable to hang on to the feeling of satisfaction for very long before we begin looking again, in a never-ending cycle of looking for the next thing, and the next. Other times, like with John Clark, it seems the issue is that we already have everything, but seem unable to tap into the sense of fulfillment we know we ought to feel.

 

In both cases the real issue is that we are looking for happiness to come from the outside when it can only come from the inside. Only when we give to ourselves by recharging and refueling with things that make us happy, things independent of money or other people, can we fully appreciate and be even happier with the loving people and gifts we may be lucky and blessed to have in our lives.

 

Like John Clark, Amy* also wanted to step outside her dull existence. She came into psychotherapy to begin her great quest toward happiness and fulfillment. The catalyst for Amy was the passing of actor Christopher Reeve. On her TV screen, she saw stock footage of Reeve speaking about how upsetting it was for him to see so many able-bodied people allow their minds to disable and paralyze them. Reeve said "if you're able-bodied, then nothing's impossible". His words touched Amy deeply. With tears in her eyes, she sat in my office and declared: "I'm tired of being a spectator in my own life... I want to be a full participant... I want to live fully".

 

Amy and John Clark began a great quest to find what fuels their happiness. They were willing to open themselves up to finding out what it is that recharges them, fuels them from within, and allows them to feel passionate and fulfilled. According to the Dalai Lama, this quest for happiness is the purpose of life. This quest may be easier for some than others. Unfortunately, sometimes it is easier to know what it is we do not want and are hard pressed to state what it is we do want. Whether easy or hard, the quest is always worthwhile.

 

We have been programmed in our society to expect that our happiness is dependent on something or someone else. We expect the house, the new car, the promotion, sex, alcohol, or Prince/Princess Charming to make everything better so that we can live "happily ever after". In doing so, we have given away personal responsibility for our happiness. Even a great relationship, if we are blessed to have one, does not have the power to make us happy if we are not happy with ourselves to begin with. The relationship will only magnify the feelings that are already present in our hearts. If we are desolate and unfulfilled, the relationship will eventually highlight those feelings. Conversely, if we take responsibility for our happiness, it will exponentially increase and multiply the joy we already possess.

 

CALL TO ACTION

 

1.  To begin your quest, simply undertake to list the things that make you happy. List the things that you enjoy doing alone or with others that you feel passionate about, or that give you a sense of peace, well-being, and fulfillment.   

 

2.  Then commit to spending time on a regular basis making sure that you are doing those things that make you happy. It is really that simple. For me, some things on my list include: a long hug at the end of my day, allowing my heart to open and love fully and unguarded, a star-filled night, connecting deeply with others, gratitude/counting my blessings (I usually walk around thinking I'm the luckiest guy in the world), movies, fresh-baked chocolate-chip cookies that melt in your mouth, being child-like, and of course dancing!

 

I invite you to begin your great quest now. Take the time to discover what makes you intrinsically happy. Make honoring and giving to yourself a daily priority. Love from your overflow, not your reserve. As a result, your life and your relationships will be infinitely richer.

 

May your life be rich in love and happiness. And as Lee Anne Womack sings:

 

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance,

I hope you dance, I hope you dance.