In Someone Else's Shoes: Empathy, Understanding & Love

Frankie Waldo Perez's MindGym

Tip of the Week - In Someone Else's Shoes:

Empathy, Understanding & Love

Hi,

A couple of years ago I heard an ad on the radio that caught my attention; the ad was for free checking. The ad listed three things that were notoriously difficult, and implied that at other banks checking was as difficult as these three; but not at their bank, at their bank checking was easy. The three things they listed as impossibly difficult were: brain surgery, becoming an astronaut, and relationships.

We are social animals that need relationships in order to thrive, feel fulfilled, and be happy, but there is no denying that successful relationships can be tricky to master. This week, we will shed light on one aspect of successful human relationships: empathy.

Whether you are a parent, spouse, co-worker, or friend, mastering the art of empathy is crucial to a foundation of connection, understanding, and love in any relationship.

With love,

Frankie

P.S. In case you missed them, here are the links to the last three newsletters:

The Joy of Connection, Talking to Myself, The Scorpion and the Monk

June 26, 2011 Issue #32

IN SOMEONE ELSE'S SHOES: EMPATHY, UNDERSTANDING & LOVE

An ancient Chinese proverb says that "you cannot understand until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes." In his book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", author Steven Covey explored a related concept: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Both ideas refer to the art of empathy, which is the willingness to see the world through someone else's eyes with the sole intention of understanding their experience.

We all want to be heard, to feel that someone is truly listening to us and wants to understand our experience. Feeling understood and feeling loved are one and the same. Loving communication is not about convincing; it is about our willingness to understand another's point of view without the need to impose our own. We may never agree with their view, but our willingness to listen with deep emotional empathy, understand, and respect their position is one of the greatest gifts of love we can offer.

If we want to improve our relationships, whether they be with our children, spouse, family, friends, or professional connections, beginning with the willingness to understand the other person's point of view will go a long way to foster greater connection, harmony, respect, and understanding.

CALL TO ACTION

1. INTENTION & WILLINGNESS: The foundation for a healthy relationship is the ability to listen to and attempt to understand the other person's point of view. This begins with our intention and our willingness to "seek first to understand, then be understood." Once we extend our understanding to another and they feel heard, it becomes increasingly easier for them to soften and offer the same in kind.

2. SILENCE: If we are to truly listen and understand another, we must create the space to allow their full expression to unfold unencumbered. We can only do this when we remain silent, attentive, and inviting.

3. LISTENING: When we truly listen to another's experience, we are not only listening to the words, but to the feeling sense of their words. We keep in check our tendency to respond, react, or interject our opinions, and give ourselves completely to the act of listening with the sole intention of hearing the other person's experience, step into their emotions, and see the world from their perspective. We are neither agreeing or disagreeing, we are simply doing our best to understand.

4. EMPATHY: Imagine what the world would look like and how it would feel to be standing in the other person's shoes. If your experience could match theirs, what would you feel? Do your best to access those emotions within yourself. Lovingly, offer your guess as to what they must be feeling.

As we move toward understanding one another, the polarities of contradicting points of view become less distinct and we open up to greater compassion and harmony.

Empathy is the gift of understanding, which is the gift of love.

"Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"

- Henry David Thoreau

"Empathy is forgetting oneself in the joys and sorrows of another, so much so that you actually feel that the joy or sorrow experienced by another is your own joy and sorrow. Empathy involves complete identification with another."

- Dada Vaswani

"Perhaps the most important thing we bring to another person is the silence in us, not the sort of silence that is filled with unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal. The sort of silence that is a place of refuge, of rest, of acceptance of someone as they are. We are all hungry for this other silence. It is hard to find. In its presence we can remember something beyond the moment, a strength on which to build a life. Silence is a place of great power and healing."

- Rachel Naomi Remen

Frankie Waldo Pérez, LMFT, is the founder of MindGym, LLC, a psycho-educational service offering counseling and/or coaching to individuals, couples, and groups.

He is a writer, psychotherapist and Franklin Covey Certified Personal Life Coach. His approach is ecclectic, blending cinematherapy, psycho-spiritual, cognitive, Imago, and Emotionally Focused approaches.

He also presents workshops on Couples Communication, Dating, Mindfulness Meditation & Soul-Centered Psychotherapy, Sports Related Communication Excellence, and Peak Performance using Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Time Line Therapy.

He may be reached by phone at: (214) 289-7995

or by email at: frankie@mymindgym.com