The Grey Town Gazette
News from the Urban Sprawl
May - Aug 2011
and we've got a logo!
Yes, we've sold our soul: the GTG has a Facebook page!
Why? We don't know. We went out on a post production night on the town...then next morning when we woke up...yikes! there it was! On-line in all it's shameful glory!
We don't know who's idea it was...at least, no one is owning up to it...we can only assume it was some kind of macho rivalry thing
Oh the shame! Why couldn't we just get a tattoo like normal drunks?
Oh well, too late now
If you must, you can revel in our embarrassment via the link below
In view of the recent fuss over press ethics we at the GTG thought it would be timely to publicly restate our Corporate Ethics and Governance Policies so that you can enjoy reading the GTG without guilt or concern that you might inadvertently be party to any immoral or improper practices:
Our Guiding Principals:
1. The GTG is dedicated to researching, developing and reporting the news that other publications and agencies have missed. News that is news because you've never seen or heard it before
2. We are bound by our own strict code of ethics, dedicated to bringing you only the freshest most wholesome stories, unadulterated by any cross contamination from other media. Our staff studiously avoid reading or watching any other news sources in order to maintain the purity and clarity of their vision. And we don't hack anyone's phones because, frankly, we're not interested in what other people have to say*
3. All of our news reports and articles are certified 'Fair Trade'. We pay fair market prices, directly to those creating the news and not to unnecessary 'profiteering' middlemen
4. Last but not least the GTG is dedicated to delivering news in an entirely sustainable manner. For every story we publish we promise to plant a new one for future generations to enjoy. We are passionate about minimising our impact on the environment, using (for example) only energy efficient fonts and keeping punctuation to an absolute minimum!
We hope this puts your minds at rest
Wholesome, Fair, Sustainable!
*unless it's financially compelling
Olympian Countdown Euphoria
The Clock is Counting!
The Glittering Prizes
Yes, in less than 30 Days!
Look out for the GTG Downtime's Taster Reviews! Coming Soon!
Frame of Reference?
Moral Relativism in Action
Based on recent outbursts of indignation and outrage by Britain's 'liberal' press:
Illegally hacking the voice mail of dead soldiers = bad
But leaking illegally obtained documents that might endanger living soldiers = good
Who rates the ratings agencies?
Quote for the Moment
'all men having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree'
- James Madison
a Thought for Today
This month's Theobabble comes from someone who thinks too much:
"A Ponzi scheme is a phoney 'investment' scheme which pays fake profits to investors not from returns on their investment, but directly from new funds coming into the scheme. Effectively, established investors profit from later investors. For the scam to continue there must be a constant supply of new money, in practice mostly from new investors. When the inevitable happens and the scheme is exposed or collapses under its own weight it's the later investors who lose all of their money
Such schemes are illegal and the most celebrated recent perpetrator Bernard Madoff is currently languishing in jail on a 150-year sentence
With the notable exception of Norway, in most developed economies public sector pension schemes are hugely underfunded (some say a £trillion or more in the case of the UK) and rely upon the contributions of current earners - and worse, people who are not even in the schemes - to pay the pensions of current and future retireesWhy are these schemes not illegal too and the people who run them (governments) not in prison?
Stand on the Right!
The GTG Rant Spot
|It means you!|
Always getting in the way!
"Why are smartphones called 'smart'? They seem to reduce rush hour users into gormless drones, unable to navigate through tube or railway stations without wandering from side to side at a snail's pace, either slowing up or threatening to walk smack bang into the rest of us as they stare down at their screens instead of looking where they are going
Are they responding to some urgent overnight enquiry from an international customer? Or are they are participating on a webinar conference on the alleviation of World poverty? No, they're probably playing Angry Birds or checking out a bit of porn - sorry, I mean 'sport' - on their company sponsored 'productivity aid'
And don't even get me started on the ones who are also wearing earphones! (no, we'll keep that for another time - Ed)
Do you have something that really annoys you, that you would like to have a good rant about? Why not email the Editor
and if he's not feeling too grumpy we might even publish it
You say tomato
I say potato
English-speaking nations divided by a common tongue
A month without rain
A week without rain
A day without stout
More Celebrity Antics Exposed!
(sorry: the rest of this column is unfinished due to the arrest of our researcher - Ed)
| Grey Town Blitz
How do you spell
Class of 2011 Fails Citizenship Test
Reeves Corner, twinned with Dresden
Grey Town, Mon-Tues Aug 8-9th:
Hoards of feral brats last night rampaged through Grey Town and other British towns & boroughs smashing windows, looting, torching buildings, cars and intimidating police and residents
Experts (as they do) offer several explanations for the yobs' actions: pent up anger and tension exploding as a result some collective angst over a guy they probably couldn't name getting shot in north London? Or perhaps they are just bored because the poor hapless things don't have jobs and are not taken seriously by the rest of society? Or wanton 'copycat' lawlessness 'because they can'? Probably
Whatever. Fortunately for the cash-strapped police it shouldn't be necessary to employ expensive FBI-style Psychological Profiling methods to track down the likely culprits because they left many useful clues to their identity: they wore hoodies and used bikes as weapons; they targeted JD-Sports, mobile phone retailers, TV and computer stores, Iceland(!), and Lidl(!!) Many brazenly went about their crimes with faces uncovered in front of Grey Town's myriad CCTV cameras. And last but not lest they kindly recorded an audit trail of their exploits by using Blackberry Messenger & Twitter to organize themselves and Facebook and YouTube to post their trophy pics and videos
Clearly from the shallow end of the gene pool
|Economic Crisis Update
Everybody wants their cake*
sadly the baker has gone bust!
Cake Porn: if only the economy looked this good!
Greece, Spain, Italy, America, Banks, Public Sector workers, High Street Retailers, Charities, Pensioners, Local Governments, Students, Police Forces, Families, Schools, Generals, Admirals, Holiday Firms, Universities, Manufacturers, and nice young ladies at weddings in France... Everywhere, everybody want's their cake! But sadly the baker is bust and their just isn't enough cake to go round anymore! (Unless you're a tube driver. Or a footballer)
*excludes mobs in Tottenham, Walthamstow, Enfield, Brixton and Waltham Forest, Clapham, and Grey Town. They don't want cake. They just want free TVs, mobile phones and their faces on YouTube
Economic Crisis Latest
Federal Reserve in Secret talks with Bernie Madoff
Officials Seek Financial Advice
Land of the Free (spenders)
New York, Sun Jul 31st:
As Congress, the Senate and the President patch together another temporary budget compromise, it's rumored that Federal Reserve officials are in secret talks with disgraced financier Bernard Madoff in the hope of finding a more permanent solution to America's debt crisis
Madoff successfully ran a multi-billion dollar scam for decades, during which time the regulatory authorities consistently failed to spot what he was up to. Now the Fed officials want Bernie to advise them on how they might be able to pull off a similar trick
But rumour is, a sticking point is that Bernie is refusing to co-operate until they give him his yacht back and the Fed hasn't enough cash to buy it back from it's current owners
Greek Government denies buying 100 million Lottery Tickets
Desperate scheme backfires as $185m prize goes to UK winner
Betting the Temple
Athens Wed July 13th:
As a lucky British couple celebrate their record-breaking £160million Euro-lottery win, the Greek government has been forced to deny that it had purchased over 100 million tickets in a failed attempt to boost Greece's public finances
Suspicions were raised when a man attempted to buy 70 million tickets at an Athens corner shop and tried to pay using an IMF cheque made out to the 'Greek Finance Ministry' which the bearer offered to endorse and assign to the shopkeeper. The shopkeeper refused because he only accepts cash
As the GTG went to press no one from the Finance Ministry was available to comment because (according to the cleaner who answered the phone) 'all key staff are attending a conference in Las Vegas'
Italy Plays Down Default Risk
'Debt Holiday' panic caused by misunderstanding
Rome, Fri Jul 29th:
the forecast is sunny! honest!
Shock waves rippled through International bond markets Friday after US based analysts mistranslated an Italian Finance Ministry communique and thought the Italians were about to announce a Debt Holiday. But it turned out they were actually announcing that they were off to the beach for August and would deal with the crisis when they get back
A spokesman for Prime Minister Burlesque-Tony shrugged off the problem and assured bond holders the economy is sound and they'll get their money back in September, or sooner if it rains. Honest
Click here to see our special Econofog article on fixing the Euro
Public Sector Unions Support Cuts
750,000 Public Sector Workers called out on strike saves country £millions in salaries
Selfless act of generosity applauded by Tax Payers
Rising to the Occasion
London June 30th:
Hundreds of thousands of Public Sector workers today put the Nation's interests ahead of their own by selflessly donating a day's pay as a contribution towards reducing the National Debt
Inspired by the Prime Minister's call for a 'Big Society' union leaders have tapped a growing wave of public sentiment to reduce the cost of the Public Sector
Assuming a 50 week, 250 day working year (because the arithmetic is easy - Ed) the strike has already saved the equivalent of 3,000 man-years of average striker's salary. And it can only get better! Each day of strikes cuts the annual wage bill (for the strikers as a whole) by 0.4%, so after a week or two the savings will be really significant - perhaps £250million per week!
The GTG Says: Thanks! Stay out as long as you like! (but it would be even more considerate if you held your strike during the school holidays)
Tail End Charlies
Minor celebrities and has-been politicians sue newspapers after being excluded from Tapping Scandal
It's just not fair! They want free publicity and cash handouts too!
Courts of Justice, Monday July 25th:
Me me me too!
A group of wannabe celebrities and has-been politicians has initiated a joint class action suing a several 'red top' newspapers and the Metropolitan police for damages for omitting them from the hacking process
The plaintiffs complain that being ignored is 'a slur on there reputations' by implying they are unimportant and unfairly excludes them from the opportunity of receiving compensation pay outs or benefiting from free publicity
In response to the action the newspapers have issued a joint statement apologising to those who may have been overlooked:
'though we would have liked to have been more inclusive, it came down to a matter of resources: only a tiny minority of journalists and police are corrupt and so we simply couldn't cover everyone. Sorry!
However any would-be celebrities or MPs who want free publicity could try getting caught with their hand in the till, or with their pants down and a hooker's head in their lap, and we'll be pleased to promote their story'
injunction to hide himself from Press
Lord 'X' invokes controversial law to prevent press harassment
Could preside over future cases from behind a privacy screen
London May 25th:
Concerned by recent adverse publicity about the judiciary, a senior Judge presiding over a privacy hearing has applied for an injunction to prevent his own
details being published in the press
Lord 'X' claims this is "to protect his family" from unwarranted public intrusion
Freedom of information activists have universally condemned the move, but Civil Liberties campaigners are split in their reactions. Some say it's the thin end of the wedge and will lead inexorably to a Secret State whilst others argue he has a human right to privacy in both his work and private lives
Legal experts say a compromise solution might be for the judge to preside over the case from behind a screen, or alternatively to do so by video link with a digitally modified image and voice. He might even wear a disguise, such as a wig
as we go to press there are rumours that the judge has already been 'outed' by Freedom of Information activists on Twitter, but the posts are hard to find because the activists say they wish to remain anonymous
Shoppers distracted by
(and a man in a funny suit)
Motoring Ace explains how he keeps his grip
Like Economist, but heavier
How to save the Euro: Evict Germany
Industrial Powerhouse is out-of-kilter with rest of Eurozone
|PIGS aren't meant to fly|
Brussels, Mon July 18th:
As one by one the PIGS* get spit-roasted and look increasingly look like being accompanied by a super-size side order of burnt pasta it's becoming clear that the Eurozone can't continue to live the fantasy of monetary without fiscal union. It's simply not possible to reconcile the opposing requirements of the pathologically spendthrift olive oil economies with the uber-efficient Industrial Reich in the north
It's true both sides have until recently had a good run in the Euro club. Germany has benefited from a currency that's been held down in value by the lesser performing members, helping Germany's exports whilst not damaging it's perceived wealth (there are still plenty of holidays and luxury goods to be bought within the Eurozone, avoiding the need to spend valuable hard currencies like the US Dollar). And for a while it was even possible for the German government to live the dream of running an empire without actually having to pay for it
The economically inept have had a good time too, partying and treating themselves to lots of toys on their newly acquired low rate credit cards without any bothersome parental control
But sadly the credit cards are maxed-out and the minimum payments overdue. Now they have to pay. But how?
The Eurozone needs a fiscally consistent economic policy across all of it's members. One way this might be achieved is to move towards centralised fiscal controls, but this would require a transfer of wealth from the richer nations to the poorer ones. Not likely to be popular in the north, nor even in the beneficiary nations because they're unlikely to take kindly to having their affairs run directly by Berlin...sorry, we mean Brussels
So the only option is for the member nations to grasp the nettle and evict the countries that don't fit in with the ethos and expectations of the Eurozone
Obviously, Germany will have to leave!
Only then will the Euro be able to find it's true place as an international currency: an easily devalued sanctuary for clapped out old-world powers seeking to prolong their fantasy of being rich and important. The terminally indebted will be able to print money and rely on inflation to deflate their debts
Initially it might be a little tough on the Germans - suddenly having to compete with other industrial nations without the subsidy afforded by a soft currency - but in the long term we're sure they'll pull through and be more efficient than ever (they can always merge with Poland, the Czech Republic and the Netherlands to increase the economies of scale - they've done that before after all). And on the plus side, they won't have to spend all their savings feeding the PIGS!
* Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain
The Science of Tomorrow Applied Today
Quantum Gravity in a bottle: Trappist Beer unlocks secret to anti-gravity
Formulation means it's near impossible to fall over
But mind you don't lose your head! (and beware of Graviton Reflux)
Special Report by Science Editor Round A.Bout
The Flying Trappist Artists
Poechenellekelder , Brussels, Fri May 20th:
It's the Holy Grail of Beer Science: a beer that not only tastes good but prevents you falling over
The brew is the result of over 25 year's of dedicated research by a reclusive group of Trappist Monks. Using just simple brewing technology and pure ingredients the monks have succeeded where countless physicists with their supercomputers, billion dollar cyclotrons and coal mines full of dry cleaning fluid have failed: they've managed to successfully unify Einstein's General Relativity with Quantum Mechanics and in the process discover a genuinely useful application
The new process - trademarked 'Enlitenment' - instills their beer with an amazing property: it enables it's drinkers to defy gravity
How does it work?
In simple scientific terms the beer uses a recently discovered process of quantum particle exchange which by means of entanglement transports the drinker's brain cells to a parallel universe whilst simultaneously filling their head with an exotic vapour consisting of Bose-Einstein Condensate and anti-gravitons. As the vapour builds up the effect is to apply a positive upward force to the neck and shoulders keeping the drinker upright at all times
After decades of research and only slow progress the 'eureka moment' came when the monks realised they simply had to produce a beer with bubbles in it that are smaller than the grains of space-time. Not only does this produce a perfect head but it also enables inter-dimensional brain cell exchanges with a minimum of fuss or side-effects
At the end of the brewing process the beers have negative Final Gravities (FG) necessitating special handling procedures
The monks stress that the science is still in it's infancy and drinkers are warned to to keep strictly under the recommended volume limits. So long as the drinker doesn't consume too much the process reverses itself overnight - with the exotic gasses venting themselves from the unconscious drinker in the normal harmless manner
Modest over consumption leads to too much pressure on the neck and shoulders and can result in a serious headache the following morning or even cause spontaneous Graviton Reflux, where the anti-gravitons reveal their particle/wave duality in a most uncomfortable manner
The tipping point however is when the drinker imbibes sufficient beer for their mind to enter a Bose-Incoherent State, beyond which all sorts of strange phenomena can occur
For smaller individuals drinking too much might result in involuntary flight as the upward force exceeds body mass and the victim loses contact with the ground. This can be most distressing for the afflicted drinker because due to the resulting Liquidity Gap they might be unable to reach their beer on the table below! This can be very distressing
But for larger drinkers the effects can be even more serious. When the drinker has sufficient mass it is theoretically possible for their neck to break under the strain and for the 'free head' to fly uncontrollably around the room. This can be quite messy and is unlikely to endear the afflicted to the bar staff
If all goes well in the public trials the beers will be released for sale in time for Christmas
Shock Report: 10 out of 10 people will die of something
Death Rates no better than in the 19th century
London, Thurs July 14th:
A shocking report by a public health charity has revealed that 10 out of 10 people will die of something. The report summarizes research conducted over 8 years by a team at Greyday Hospital, Grey Town
The stark conclusion reveals that death rates are no better now than in the 19th century (the earliest period for which there are reliable records) and it seriously undermines the myth of medical progress
Describing the situation as a 'Dickensian Horror Story' opposition parties were quick to blame government cuts, claiming that the coalition's short-sighted policies are preventing the NHS from tackling this 'disgraceful state of affairs' and demanded the government immediately increases nurses' and doctors' pay
Greek rape lawsuit against IMF collapses
Country found to have lied on application and accepted payment from the defendant
New York, Thurs July 7th:
A Greek anti-cuts protest group has failed in a attempt to sue the IMF for damages
Accusing the organization of having 'raped and pillaged' the beleaguered country the protest group also claimed that the IMF had subjected the Greek people to unreasonable and demeaning demands, causing trauma and distress to the whole nation
The IMF countered that it was a consensual arrangement, claiming the Greeks had initiated the relationship and were more than willing participants
The prosecution's case was undermined when it was revealed that the Greek government had lied on it's application to join the Euro, and then completely collapsed when the Greeks later admitted they had also accepted a substantial payment from the accused before submitting to it's demands
German Government to phase out all fruit and veg by 2015
Tough response to E.coli crisis consistent with nuclear stance
Fruit Farms to be transformed into Wind Farms
Berlin, Fri June 21st:
Continuing it's new tough approach to any potential source of risk to it's citizens the German government has pledged to outlaw all fruit and vegetables by 2015
The ban come into force a full 7 years ahead of the already announced
deadline for phasing out nuclear power and reflects the relative urgency of the E.coli threat to German Public Health: E.coli infections killed 48 people, whereas Japanese nuclear leaks have killed no one
German fruit and vegetable farmers will be paid compensation from a specially set-up EU fund and their land used for wind farms
Untrained passengers 'a recipe for disaster' says Union Boss
London, Mon Jul 10th:
Tube worker unions have reacted angrily to plans to allow tens of thousands of untrained tube passengers to use the network during next year's Olympics
"Allowing unqualified, non-professional, non-trained passengers at key network pressure points is a recipe for disaster with potentially lethal consequences" crowed the union boss
"With the Tube already at bursting point, and with hundreds my members rightfully wanting to take some of their hard-earned 43 days annual leave to enjoy the Olympics, the last thing need are wholly unprepared hoards of untrained passengers herding through stations like Oxford Circus or Stratford"
An unnamed TfL source has however indicated that a last-minute compromise might be reached, under which the tourists will all be enrolled as fee-paying union members and LU staff (and their families) will be sent next summer on special three week taxpayer-funded crowd-control courses in St Tropez
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine
Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle
Sex and the Chippy
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town
Lost in translation
Cuming soon: Grotty vs Totty
Stacey is away, auditioning for the new reality TV show Grotty vs Totty in which girls from Grey Town will swap places with posh girls from from country
We're sure she'll come out on top and look forward to hearing all about her exploits in the next edition of the GTG!
Tánc a Táblázat Forgáscsap
(Dance of the Pivot Table)
Experimental Hungarian Ballet inspired by Bill Of Materials Spreadsheet
Field of Dreams
Greyfield Halls, Sat Jul 2nd:
It's great to see Grey Town's burgeoning Fringe is starting to attract high quality acts from across Europe
Noted for it's easy access, celebrated architecture and cultured citizens Grey Town is establishing itself at the core of Europe's Avant Garde
And it's reputation can only be strengthened after this inspiring production from renowned Hungarian art group 'Föld-Szél-Traktor' who are resident for the summer season at Greyfield Halls, Grey Town's flagship venue
Founded during the tumultuous period of Soviet decline and democratic ascendency, FST's core philosophy is a Utopian fusion of benevolent socialism and libertarian capitalism, with a declared mission 'to awaken the public's minds to the artistic potential of industrial mass-production and financial engineering'. Driven by the concept of 'Inclusion' the EU-funded group has established a reputation for making esoteric subjects accessible to a wider audience, not by dumbing-down subject matter but by raising the aspirations and self-expectations of the audience
This marvelous vignette of a ballet, lasting precisely 32 minutes and 18 seconds, represents a departure from the group's traditional techno-brutalist style. Gone are gaunt faced industrial drones, on-stage tractors and steam engines, replaced by a legion of manacled dwarfs (representing the cell data) and a dozen black latex clad six-foot Amazon blonds with whips and thigh boots riding Harley Davidson motorbikes (the macros)
As the show progressed we were treated to a spectacle of synchronized dancing and leaping dwarfs (representing the calculations) - with one notable performer deftly switching from blue to red spandex (signifying a negative number) - all choreographed by the whip-cracking ultra vixens. The audience positively yelped with enjoyment
The performance features some neat little in-jokes that will appeal to practiced Excel users - such as the cell in which the players kept randomly swapping places between 'date' and 'integer' format: priceless!
Eat your heart out Busby Berkeley..a new show is in town!
Grey Scale Rating: Platinum
Tánc a Táblázat Forgáscsap
Running time: 32 minutes 18 seconds Daily until August 31st
(Concessions available to Hungarians and dwarfs)
Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
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Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor. We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that! Review Rating Price Scale**: Coal (pants) £50*Charcoal (bearable) £250*Gravel (average) £1,000*Ash (good) £5,000*Platinum (ace) £10,000*Please email the Editor for further details.* Strictly Cash in Advance
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Copyright 2011 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, c/o Borg International, Croydon
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable by design and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental
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