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The Grey Town Gazette
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News from the Urban Sprawl
August - November 2010 Late Edition
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 | | High Street Buzz |
Welcome to this bumper austerity issue of the GTG
Our government tells us we're all in it together. Just like the blitz. Britain's finest hour once more!
And like the blitz, one day we'll all look back with fond memories of how we all stood together. How everybody was more friendly. And how there was a marvelous spirit of bonhomie and stoic optimism across the nation
Yes, just like those who were lucky enough to see the blitz later forgot all about the firestorms, blown off limbs and food shortages, we in our turn will forget about the economic gloom, the striking public workers and whining students
We're conscious that you will all want to be able to tell your grandchildren about it and about your part in saving the nation from economic ruin
So we've produced this special Austerity Britain edition of the GTG. Gathering the big and the small stories. Something for everybody. Something for you to print and hide in an old trunk in your attic for that day when your excited grandchildren want to know what it was like to live through the Great Financial Crisis of 2010*
Enjoy, and treasure!
Ed
New in this issue:
Nothing! We're saving money!
* of course, that's assuming the crisis is actually over by the time your grand children can walk
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Having difficulty reading this issue in all its glory?
The GTG is best viewed using your Web Browser. Try clicking on the link at the top of the page.
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Environmental Policy Statement
As a part of our on-going commitment to reducing the GTG's carbon footprint we have cut down on unnecessary punctuation
For example we promise only to use full stops when they don't occur at the end of a line
Experts estimate that unnecessary punctuation in the trillions of pages of printed and online material generates 2 million kilotons of CO2 per year*
Combined with our existing policy of only using the most sustainable fonts (courier and times roman) and minimizing the use of bold and italics we estimate that the GTG has already saved the the lives of at least two and a half polar bears
The GTG: leading the way to a sustainable future!
* Source: 'Font and the Environment: A Blueprint for a Sustainable Future' Coulsdon Institute Press 2009
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Editorial Retraction
Unprinted Article
In our last issue we didn't publish any articles in which we cruelly mocked Grey Town's hapless citizens, crumbling business infrastructure and hopeless local government.
The GTG unreservedly apologizes for this unacceptable
omission and promises that in future it will make every effort to criticize Grey Town, its citizens and government whenever possible.
The GTG - not afraid to admit when we're wrong
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Non-offensive Joke
A person of non-specific race, nationality, sex, age, health, religion and hair colour walks into a bar....'blimey, I didn't see that!' he/she exclaimed
NATOFF Approved
CE reg 226103
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Theobabble
a Thought for Today
Is it a sin to delete a PDF copy of a Holy Book?
 | | (More) Deep Thought |
This month we bring you another Theobabble contribution from Deep Thought, Resident Theologian at The Porterhouse.
"Perhaps you've noticed there's been a bit of fuss recently over the plans of an American eccentric and his humble flock to burn a pile of religious books.
He claimed it was a protest about the books' 'questionable contents'. Whatever, it certainly got him noticed.
Then a bunch of excitable types claimed they were offended and started jumping up and down and looking cross. They said it insulted their faith, but their actions undoubtedly got them noticed too.
Then, not to be outdone, lots of important worthy types said they didn't approve, and it mustn't be done because it was rude and disrespectful. Or perhaps they were just scared of the excitable types? Whatever, it got them noticed as well.
But surely the Big Question* is:
if it's a sin to burn a copy of a Holy Book, is it also a sin to delete a PDF copy of the same?"
Only if somebody sees you doing it! - Ed
* the bigger issue of course is the environmental cost of book burning. See our special Enviro-mental report in this issue
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Stand on the Right!
 The GTG Rant Spot
 | | It means you! |
Clumsy Tourists: what are they for?
Why do they exist? And why are they here? Walking around in herds, bumping into real people, blocking tube entrances, falling about on buses, blocking the roads with their coaches, taking up all the seats on the Eurostar, keeping pointless 1970s Scottish steak restaurants in business, keeping the even more pointless Madam Tussaud's in business, buying stupid tat from tacky souvenir shops, blocking the pavements at every opportunity, talking non-stop in their loud babbly languages, buying all the cheap theatre tickets and then talking during the show, holding the frigging restaurant door open while the herd makes its mind up, wearing poseur sunglasses on the tube, cluttering up our museums, getting in the way posing for naff photos, sniggering at 'Cockfosters', queuing outside the even-more-pointless-than-Madam-Tussaud's Hard Rock Cafe, wearing silly hats, cluttering up rush hour trains with their mountains of luggage...oh, and the haughty precious ones who think they're Grace Kelly and Cary Grant but they're actually on a no. 52 bus...really, what's the the point of them, eh?
Angry of Hackbridge
Well, its to do with economics. Their purpose is to come to the UK and spend the money they've been given by the IMF so that we can repay the money we've been given by China and the Middle East - Ed
Do you have something that really annoys you, that you would like to have a good rant about? Why not email the Editor and if he's not feeling too grumpy we might even publish it |
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In Memoriam
Worthless Degree Courses
A Moment for Reflection
This column is intended as a memorial to all the pointless degree courses that will be lost as a result of overdue pruning of New Labour's bloated edifice of 'Higher Education'
RIP
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World Saved!
Economic Outlook Brightens
 | | Yes, there's light at the end of the tunnel ! |
There's light at the end of the tunnel
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Coalition Announces Emergency Taxes
Raft of new National and Local Taxes to help reduce Britain's deficit
Designed with shared pain in mind
 | | Looking for Loopholes |
Westminster, Tues Oct 26th: The government has announced a range of new emergency taxes that it hopes will help drag Britain out of its current financial predicament
Consisting of a range of national and local schemes, the taxes are designed to spread the pain across all sections and strata of society*
National Taxes
Poverty Tax
A special levy to be charged on low income families.
Official justification: Economic Stimulus. To incentivise people to rise above the poverty threshold by getting a better job
Real purpose: claw back all those hand-outs made by Labour
Child Tax
£500 per year per child (not means-tested)
Official justification: Environmental. To help Britain hit its greenhouse gas targets Children emit too much noise, CO2 and methane
Real purpose: Increase Revenue
Talent Tax
Targets High Achievers. Assessed on academic qualifications, not income
Official justification: To create a 'Fairer, more-equal society'
Real purpose: Increase Revenue
Health Taxes:
Caffeine and Chocolate duties
Obesity Levy based on BMI (with no credits for 'big bones')
Increased VAT on pies
Official justification: Encourage healthy living
Real purpose: Replace declining revenue on tobacco
Credit Card Transaction Tax: 5% on top of all credit card transactions (including the VAT) Retailers and their customers pay 2.5% each ('to share the pain')
Official justification: to discourage personal debt Real purpose: Increase Revenue
Local Taxes
These will vary from council to council but they are intended to be enforced by street-roving 'Cash Wardens', who to save money will probably be retrained Traffic and Parking Wardens
Street Tax
Random Stop and Search with on-the-spot tax demands of 50% of any cash the person is carrying
Official justification: to discourage the 'black economy'
Real purpose: Increase Revenue
Envy Tax
Targets anyone who looks unusually affluent, based on their clothing, car, choice of restaurant, height, or sun tan (fake or otherwise)
Official justification: discourage ostentatious behavior ('we're all in this together').
Real purpose: Increase revenue
* excluding party donors, of course
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RAF to get inflatable Russian planes
Aircraft Carriers cut in half
Nuclear Deterrent to be Outsourced to Iran
Shipyards to be shut and converted into Wind Farms and Cheese Markets
 | | Military Downsize |
Westminster, Tues Oct 19th:
New Defense Strategy : It's Cheaper to Lose Wars
The government has announced deep cuts to the UK's defense budget. According to the Treasury 'Its tough, but its a matter of priorities. We can't put the security of the Nation ahead of the lifestyle plans of tube workers or the budget needs of Brussels. It wouldn't be right.'
'Big Ticket' items will be the hardest hit. Construction of the Navy's two new aircraft carriers HMS Queen Elizabeth and HMS Prince of Wales will be suspended whilst the designs are modified. To gain maximum value from the three sections of hull already built, its expected that one carrier will consist of just the stern (that's the blunt end) and the other will consist of just the bows (the bit at the front). The decision was seen as the best compromise as it secures jobs in two marginal constituencies. The middle section meanwhile will be converted into a floating immigration transit camp for migrants seeking jobs in the NHS, the only public sector department still expanding.
The rear-end vessel will be powered by gas turbines because these have already been delivered by the Chinese manufacturer, but it will be limited to 3 knots due to its new square bow. The other 'ship' will be modified and powered by second-hand outboard motors recycled from a Lowestoft boat hire firm.
It hasn't yet been decided which vessel will be fitted with the single available bridge.
Neither carrier will be long enough to accommodate aircraft, which doesn't matter because the planes have been cancelled anyway.
Some commentators have argued this is a rather short term decision and not in the country's interest because it drastically reduces the resale value of the ships.
MAD about the Bomb
The other major system to be effected is the Trident upgrade. This will be completely cancelled and the country's nuclear defense outsourced to Iran. The Defense Minister explained the basis for the decision: "The cold war is long gone and along with it any possible nuclear threat to Britain. We no longer have a need for an expensive independent deterrent now that better-financed traditional allies such as Iran and North Korea are nuclear powers. We can rely on them to protect us."
In tightly contested bidding for the contract the Iranians narrowly beat the North Koreans when they threw in a bonus 'good will' promise to "actively discourage jihadist groups from blowing up British railway stations for the duration of the contract"*. On a positive note the Government has announced Britain's shipyards will be redeveloped as wind farms and cheese markets. Shipyards make ideal wind farms: they are generally at coastal locations and they have ready made dock facilities for importing the windmills, which are all made overseas. And cheese is always popular.
Army OK as long as it can string out the Afghan Campaign
The government has promissed that the army will not suffer any major cuts to its resources for the duration of the war in Afghanistan. It hasn't explained how this will encourage the generals to get the war over with quickly.
Nevertheless there will be cuts to tank divisions and heavy artillery (ie. anything too heavy to airlift to safety in Kabul) meaning for the first time since World War One the army will have more generals than tanks.
Budget Inflation The RAF meanwhile will actually see an increase in its total number of aircraft, although most will not be operational in the conventional sense. The MOD is looking to purchase the latest inflatatable aircraft from Russia.
Blue-on-blue
Defense experts predict that the inflatable aircraft should help strengthen bonds with the UK's closest ally - the United States - because all the models are Russian Mig fighters which, of course, don't look anything like British aircraft, making it less likely that the US Top Guns will accidentaly shoot at them.
* offer excludes airports and shopping centres.
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Child Support to be increased for High Earners; Cut for the Poor
Objective to discourage the inept and unemployable from having children
'giving evolution a helpful nudge'
 | | They've had their chips |
Birmingham Wed Oct 6th:
The government is considering a radical experiment in social engineering
Child support will be increased for affluent families, and reduced for poor families
The objective is to actively discourage the inept and unemployable from having children. This of course is a complete reversal of the policies of the last 40 years which were designed to pay non earners and single parents to have as many offspring as possible on the grounds that it was good for the building trade and soothed the consciences of the ruling classes who had never been able to get over the guilt they felt after seeing "Cathy come home" in their formative years
But those worthy minded social engineers have now retired to their estates in Provence and Tuscany and a new generation of harder nosed politicians is in charge - their children
The new system will become effective from April 1st 2011
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New Housing Benefit Rules means smaller homes for the poor
Relocation to Lincolnshire and the Falklands
 | | Homes for the little people |
Whitehall, Wed Oct 6th:
After a special fact finding mission to Sao Paulo the government have introduced a cap of £4 per week per family for housing benefit
The ministers were particularly impressed with how the Sao Paulo city government has been able to house 23 million people with a total city-wide annual housing budget of only $500
Benefit claimants will no longer be able to claim for expensive housing in any of Britain's upmarket areas. Instead they will be relocated to smaller properties in more affordable locations such as Lincolnshire and the Falkland Islands
It's for their own good
When announcing the new policy the coalition spokesperson stressed the health benefits for those being relocated from noisy polluted urban environments to the the fresh clean air of the country
However, after vocal complaints from housing charities and the opposition, the government have agreed to soften the measures by providing every family with more than 5 children with 2 free sheets of corrugated iron, a tarpaulin and a bag of nails so that they can extend their property if needed
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Government Publishes List of Approved Jokes
Offensive Humour has no place in Modern Britain
Authorised Jokes must carry a CE mark
 | | National Thought Audit Office |
Westminster, Mon Oct 27th:
The Home Office has published a new set of guidelines listing acceptable subjects for humor. The guidance is being published six months ahead of the new rules becoming law so that the entertainment industry has time to adjust to the new restrictions. Helpfully they have included a list of official CE-certified jokes which have been evaluated and approved by NATOFF (the newly formed National Thought Audit Office, based in Staines)
The list has the added benefit of creating a level playing field for professionals and members of the public alike, as we will all be using the same jokes. After all, its the way you tell 'em that matters
Jokes must not target any group on the basis of gender, race, age, disability, nationality, or hair colour
The rules have been brought in to ensure Britain complies with the anti-discrimination ideals enshrined in the European Charter of Human Rights
Several European countries have of course already adopted a zero-tolerance policy on humor - notably Germany - but the British government has taken a typically pragmatic approach by allowing some humor, but only if it's nice
Designated Joking Area
To minimize the risk of people being upset by accidentally overhearing an offensive joke, humour will be banned in all public buildings, on public transport and in places of work. Compulsive jokers will have to stand at at designated spots outside their offices to laugh and share jokes
After an extensive consultation period it was decided that approved jokes would not carry a British Standards (BS) 'Kite Mark' as that might be construed as being too xenophobic. Instead, they will have to carry a CE mark. A ministry spokesperson stated that this was a smart move because it meant Britain would be seen as taking the initiative in Europe, and in so-doing would be ideally placed to have its comedy standards adopted throughout the region should any of the other member nations decide to adopt a sense of humour
Not everyone is happy. 'Wheeled and Proud', the organization promoting disabled rights, is demanding that disabled people have the right to be the butt of jokes, just like the able-bodied. According to their spokesperson "this is just another attempt at exclusion, but we won't give in. We have the right to be laughed at just like anybody else"
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Grey Town Bike Hire Scheme Exceeds Expectations
Declared a success after only 27% of bikes are stolen
 | | Transport Revolution |
Grey Town, Mon Oct 18th:
Grey Town's Mayor Johnny Bobson has hailed the success of the borough's new bike hire scheme
In the first month of operation only 27% of the bikes have been stolen, much fewer than had been forecast
Not only that, but by strategically placing the bike stands on former residents' and metered parking bays the scheme has successfully reduced car use by 15%
The scheme has received support from an unlikely quarter. After initially opposing it (on safety grounds of course), Grey Town's Association of Taxi and Mini Cab drivers is now wholeheartedly backing the scheme. The reduction in car use has led to a 75% increase in their takings
The Mayor admitted that so far the only paying customers were the ones that didn't return the bikes, but he stressed it is early days and the scheme is sure to become ever more popular as Grey Town's citizens start to realise the benefits of fresh air commuting in our glorious winter climate
The Mayor also promised that the stolen bikes will soon be replaced with identical specification ones from a lower cost supplier based locally in Purley
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Enviro-mental Special Feature
Book Burning: The Environmental Issues
UN publishes a Good Practice Guide for environmentally responsible protesters
 | | It's Showtime! |
UN, New York, Sept 27:
Across the world religious and political activists are being confronted with a daily dilemma: how to go about their routine daily protests but with due consideration for the environment?
Burning books, icons, and flags has proven to be be a highly effective way for otherwise irrelevant organizations and theologically retarded activists to get prime-time exposure in the world's media. In a modern society committed to affirmative action (positive discrimination) perhaps that is only right and proper, but everybody now agrees that in the 21st century it's no longer acceptable if such actions lead directly or indirectly to the death of polar bears and penguins
With this in mind the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has published guidelines for protesters, so that they can make informed assessments of the likely environmental impact of their actions. The IPCC hope that this might persuade activists to switch to more environmentally acceptable methods of protest, such as hunger strikes
But for groups who haven't got the self-discipline for that, then at the very least it's hoped they might consider switching from burning books to something with a smaller carbon footprint, perhaps national flags, BP brochures, or U2 CDs
PDFs - the best choice
Finally, the report stresses the benefit of deleting PDF copies of the texts. This might have all of the symbolic benefits of a book burning but without the environmental consequences (its cheaper too!).
Environmental Impact Assessment Table (extract)God related lifestyle manual (various)
Carbon Intensity 2.5kg to 3kg (hardback)
0.0000000015kg (online PDF)
Environmental Impact Assessment: High (book)/Minimal(PDF)
Human effigy (life size) Carbon Intensity 10kg Environmental Impact Assessment: High
US/British/French/Israeli Flag Carbon Intensity 0.25kg Environmental Impact Assessment: Medium
BP Corporate Brochure Carbon Intensity 0.37kg Environmental Impact Assessment: Medium
Noddy Goes to Toyland
Carbon Intensity 0.15kg (hardback)/0.1kg (paperback)
Environmental Impact Assessment: Minimal
(note: parental supervision required)
The Grey Town Gazette
Carbon Intensity 0.0000000015kg (email)
10.4kg (if you are incensed enough to feel compelled to burn the PC too)
Environmental Impact Assessment: trivial (email) to tragic (email + PC)
The Da Vinci Code
Carbon Intensity Zero (unrated) - everyone agrees this should be burnt at every opportunity
Other considerations: The guide urges protesters only to make effigies out of reclaimed or, at the very least, recycled card and paper.
Larger groups are also encouraged to consider purchasing carbon offsets for their protests to mitigate the damage they are doing
Health and Safety Warning: Playing with fire can be dangerous. The report recommends that rather than attempt your own book burning protest at home it is preferable to attend an official public event where all the appropriate safety measures will have been taken Poison Pen
However, if you are determined to conduct a private protest please note early religious lifestyle guides are bound in medieval leather and this along with the inks and illuminations could contain heavy metals and other toxins. If you are considering burning these please be sure to stand upwind and preferably also wear an appropriate CE certified gas mask
Wearing a bullet proof vest might also be a good idea
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Quantum Qorner:
The Science of Tomorrow Applied Today
Good Allan, Bad Allan - The Enemy Within
Absinthe Teleportation Experiment creates bizarre result
Calculation error results in Double Trouble
Special Report by Science Editor Round A.Bout
 | | Unintended Consequences |
Floris Garden, Brussels, Sat Sept 4th:
It's a story that's sure to become as familiar to future generations of science students as that of Schrödinger's cat.
History has shown that many of the great boundary-pushing experiments in science have been conducted by gifted amateur scientists - Darwin, Franklin, et al - and this is no exception.
An adventurous experiment in Alcohol Induced Teleportation(AIT) resulted in a bizarre outcome this weekend. Renowned bon vivant and part time quantum scientist Allan Carter bravely used himself as a human guinea pig in his quest to push the boundaries of man's understanding of alcohol-quantum phenomena by being the first person to try to attempt a controlled absinthe-induced point-to-point teleport.
It's thought that when preparing his Absinthe Allan might have added too much sugar to the fuel-alcohol mix, boosting his drink's energy level and tipping his quantum state over the Drink Horizon. When he re-materialized he was no longer a singularity....but a duality!
Apart from a little additional facial hair, probably caused by a temporal anomaly, the new Allan ('Allan B') is identical to the original ('Allan A'). Well nearly.
Observers started to realize that all was not right, that the two Allans are not quite the same. They have subtly different personalities.
The 'Monster from the id'
During the teleportation process it's believed that Sub Space turbulence caused a destabilization of his Quantum Slipstream and Allan's good side was split from his evil side. The result is a personality-duality with two halves of his id, or inner self, occupying separate but identical bodies.
But although superficially separate they cannot in fact act independently because they are bound sub-atomically as an Entangled-Pair. In this state the laws of physics mean that they are subject to Einstein's Spooky inaction at a distance, forever caught in a symbiotic causal-loop, with every action by one resulting in an equal but opposite inaction by the other: One Allan relentlessly proffering new and more exotic drinks, the other Allan downing them without hesitation and demanding more
Quantum Qonundrum
But, as is often the case with quantum science, some questions simply cannot be answered. For sure, we now have two Allans: 'Good' and 'Bad'. But the Quantum Qonundrum is: which one is which?
Background: the Science of AIT
The science of Alcohol Induced Teleportation is well established, supported by a mountain of empirical evidence. It's something all of us who live in the real world have experienced at least once: one moment you are happily downing a drink with your mates in friendly bar, then the next moment you open your eyes and find yourself lying fully dressed on your bed with the lights on. Or it might be another bar, perhaps one you've never been in before. Or the back of a taxi. Or worse
In fact. controlled experiments at several monasteries across Belgium have revealed that AIT will randomly follow any one of 4 different patterns:
AIT Type-1. Bar-to-Bar
AIT Type-2. Bar-to-Car
AIT Type-3. Bar-to-Bed
AIT Type-4. Bar-to-Barfroom
This non-determinism is unavoidable. Quantum Uncertainty ensures that it is impossible to predict the type of transfer in advance*. This severely limits the usefulness of the procedure as a day-to-day transportation method, but this has not prevented a growing band of adherents practicing it as a leisure pursuit
The process is of course closely tied to the previously discussed Drink Induced Time Dialation Effect (GTG December 2010), with the speed and distance of teleportation (STD) being proportional to the square of the Alcoholic Index (AI) of the drinks being consumed.
ie. STD = Square(AI)
Absinthe Alcohol Induced Teleportation, or Double-AIT ('Double-Eight') as it is known in quantum circles, is a special variant of AIT and is infamous in the physics community for its unpredictable results. So much so that for several decades the procedure was banned in many countries before being rehabilitated in the light of new discoveries in modern theoretical physics (and better medicare services)
The Memory Paradox
One serious question remains however. Researchers are yet to work out why AIT doesn't teleport memories and cash - they're always left behind at the bar
R.A.B.
*update: rumors are starting to circulate that it might indeed be possible to facilitate controlled teleportation. Unconfirmed research suggests that consuming tequila shots along with spicy tomato chasers allows the 'Drink Pilot' to mitigate the alcohol flow and control the jump over the Drink Horizon into sub space. The GTG staff will be putting this to peer review in the very near future.
Editorial note: the GTG would like to apologize to it's readers for the excessive use of italics in this article
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News Round-Up
Binge Britain: Mass Brawl of teenage philosophers in Grey Town
Trouble blamed on cheap lager and Wikipedia
Slurry Street, Fri 5th Nov
In a scene that seems all to common in Britain's towns these days, mass hoards of drunken youths were involved in a brawl outside one of Grey Town's oldest pubs - the Dogging Bishop in Slurry Street
The fight allegedly started after a philosophical dispute between the local gang - the 'Nihilist Bros' - and gang members from arch rivals - the 'Existentialist Crew' - who had foolishly strayed from their usual turf at the Chav n' Pikey in Grey Town South
Over 10 ambulances and 100 policemen were called to the fracas, which at it's height involved over 200 drunken youths embroiled in running battles between the gangs and the police.
A police spokesman commented "After 7 pints of lager an existentialist is not a pretty sight. We (the police) blame this sort of trouble on second-rate degree educations and too-easy mobile access to Wikipedia. These kids are drinking heavily and downloading half-baked philosophy papers on their Blackberries. It's an incendiary mix"
The police have promised to "come down hard" on the gangs and return the streets to the decent, ordinary uneducated citizens of Grey Town
Men queue through the night to be Britney's new bodyguard
Tinsel Town, Fri Nov 5th
As a result of some publicity relating to an inexplicable court case there are unconfirmed rumors that just over 2 million male hopefuls, of all ages, have applied to be Britney's new bodyguard
Gamers misled by new "Call of Duty" promotion
Hundreds outflanked by undercover army recruitment drive
Oxford Street, Mon Nov 8th:Hundreds of gamers queued all night, some for as long as 36 hours in the mistaken belief that they would be the first to buy a new video gameUnfortunately for them it was actually a cunning recruitment drive masterminded by the army's Special Ops regiment to increase manpower for the next counterinsurgency in Afghanistan. The forces are resorting to 18th century 'press gang' methods to increase the number of troops without actually having to pay them, greatly reducing the pressure on the army's strained budgetThe former gamers are now on their way to an exciting new 'first person' experience clearing minefields and dodging snipers in Kandahar Provence
Party Conferences
The Uninteresting Preaching to the Uninterested
Liverpool, Manchester, Birmingham, Sept-Oct:
Britain's main political parties and the liberal democrats held their first annual conferences since the election
No one is quite sure what they said, but apparently the Prime Minister's wife wore a nice dress
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Downtime
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine
Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle
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Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town
Raising the bar: Stacey dates a Nerd
 | | Slappertini |
Bleedin' 'ell what a week. I got myself a clever geezer and some weird work with Mr B
Met this cute techie guy called Neville when he came to install my new Sky Box. Well he couldn't get the channels to work but he was real brainy and said it must be because of static or something coming off my new ASDA dress so 'e said I ought to take it off. Just to be sure, like. So I did. Then he did some more tweaking and the picture woz better. But he's a real perfectionist and said it still wozn't right. He said I should take everything off! Well, I want my TV to work don't I? So I did. Then he did some special tweakin' of my box. The picture's great, but my heads a bit fuzzy!
He's so clever. After he'd got me sorted he showed me how he could make a movie on his phone and play it on the telly! So we did!
He's a real gent too, cos' when we woz dun he bought me chips and we went for a few drinks at the Chav n'Pikey. It was so romantic, I wanted it go one all night but Neville said he 'ad to stop at 5 pints cos 'e woz drivin'. Clever and conscientious! Well I used my charms and persuaded him to take me up the Back Passage on the way home. I love it there. They do a great Vindaloo
Oh, yea, I nearly forgot. That job with Mr B. Its real strange but he gave me some cash and asked me to hire some bikes and take 'em down the the scrap yard. At first I thought 'e was talkin' about Tracy and Colleen and I said he didn't need to pay them, but 'e was talkin' about those bloody bikes you peddle - you know, like posh ponces do. Well the money woz good so I dun it for him. Mind you, the saddles rubbed me raw, and that's sayin' somethin' for me!
See ya!
Stace
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Review: Brussels Beer Weekend 2010
Well, nearly...
You know you've had a good time when you can't remember anything about it
 | | Horse-drawn Pints |
Grand Place, Brussels Sept 4th-6th:
Its hard to believe it was a year since the previous visit. But there's the rub: whereas last year seems like yesterday; this year seems like it hasn't happened. Was it merely a dream?
We're sure it did happen. Like for UFOs, we have indisputable photographic evidence. But like abductees our memories have been tampered with, making recollection of the event hazy.
So, rather than give you a half-baked report, in the interests of journalistic accuracy we feel compelled to return and check out some of the facts. And so we will. Roll on December 10th!
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Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle?
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look!
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Classifieds
For Sale: 500 assorted lifestyle guides. Mint condition. Must sell. Any reasonable offer accepted. Leftover from cancelled promo barbecue. Contact: Dove World Outreach Center, Florida
Existentialist poetry evening: Dec 10th. Guest speakers from Oxford, Cambridge and Wormwood Scrubs. Open mic. Free lager for anyone presenting their own material. Starts 8pm. Karaoke from 10. Fighting from 11. Chav n' Pikey, Grey Town South
Cheap Bikes: Brand new, unused. Sturdy, stylish design to the same high standards as the those in the Mayor's Bike Hire Scheme. Identical in fact. Rare opportunity, don't miss! Contact: Don, Blagger & Co (Scrap), Purley, Surrey
Austerity Christmas? Just been made redundant? Or your business on the rocks? That's no reason not to celebrate Christmas! Why not try our new 'Austerity Menu' featuring our new signature dishes: Road-Kill Vindaloo or Pigeon Korma at Only £2.99 per head, including chips and a free pint of lager. Group bookings welcome: Back Passage To India, Grey Town South
Endangered Species Night: are you one of those bucking the trend, unaffected by the recession, trousering the cash while others are laid off? Why not make the most of it, prove you're an individual, flash your cash and show that you're not a loser: come and enjoy our award winning selection of exotic dishes at Grey Town's leading fusion restaurant. Try our Turtle soup with White Rhino horn encrusted croutons, or our new Albatross Steak with Snow Tiger couscous and orchid and lime jus. Then there's our new British speciality: Deep Fried Kingfisher-chick with Water Vole and truffle mousse. Hurry - limited stocks (that's the point!). Every dish guaranteed to improve your machismo. Remember: its the parts we throw away that makes the little bit left special! Don't be disappointed: book now: The Rape of Nanking, Waddon
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Commercial
Product Reviews
Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor. We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that! Review Rating Price Scale**: Coal (pants) £50*Charcoal (bearable) £250*Gravel (average) £1,000*Ash (good) £5,000*Platinum (ace) £10,000*Please email the Editor for further details.* Strictly Cash in Advance
** Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you, or both
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Small print:
Copyright August-November 2010 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Borg International Ltd, London.
Disclaimer: The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank |
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