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Hey - its Cold!
Welcome to our Souvenir Weather Event Special
The country's media is in a massive tizz about the weather and we just had to join in!
Grey Town and some less important places in the north have been getting some pretty wintry weather over the last few weeks, and let's be honest : most people love it!
People moan about the ice, the cold, the blocked roads and broken trains, but they secretly love being 'snowed in' and of course being 'unable' to get to the office.
Even those who make it in then spend all day discussing what heroes they are and browsing the net for the latest photos and weather updates. Then they go home feeling superior.
Of course the government, the BBC and all the other busybodies make a point of warning us all of the dangers of driving, or falling over, or skating on lakes.
But hey, what's life for? The GTG says get out there and have some fun, and let natural selection do its thing!
We hope you enjoy the weather and are still around to enjoy our next newsletter, but in the meantime be sure to cut out and save this Special Edition so that you can show it to your grandchildren!
Ed
Coming soon:
New Feature:
'Climight Change?'
As our regular readers will know, the GTG takes a strictly neutral view on Climate Change, but recent events have thrown up all sorts of questions about what's really happening so we've decided to address the issue through a new special forum: 'Climight Change?'
With input from some of Grey Town's leading climatologists we will separate the wheat from the chaff and lobby the powers-that-be to ensure Grey Town gets the very best climate, not only for us, but also our children, our children's children, their pets and any other people we like.
So subscribe now to ensure you are kept informed, or feel free to contact us if you have something to say.
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A Thought for Today
New Ice Age? - No Thanks!
Today's highly topical Theobabble is from someone who has never worked at the University of East Anglia (not even as a janitor):
'As I strode back from the pub last night, slipping and sliding and trying to keep my vitals from freezing solid, I pondered the thought that we my be entering a New Ice Age.
After all, we're long overdue for one, and sooner or later the sun will throw a cyclic wobbly and we'll all be freezing our rocks off.
The thought of more seasonal snow is compelling, but not if its all year and we can't grow stuff and the ice builds up to two miles thick. That would really cramp my lifestyle.
Sorry Maldives and Bangladesh, but on balance I think I'd prefer Global Warming - so all of you get out there and burn those hydrocarbons! The planet needs it!'
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Environmentalists demand end to gritting
'Salt is a pollutant'
Westminster, Thurs Jan 7th:
Environmentalists and animal rights protestors have presented a petition to the government demanding an end to the use of salt for clearing road ice. They say it is leaching into the ground and poisoning worms and bugs.
As an alternative they have suggested
the public switch back to using horses and donkeys during the winter period.
The Department of Transport says it welcomes their suggestion and will consider a feasibility study next year.
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Quote for the Moment
'Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative'
Oscar Wilde
(1854 - 1900)
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Tragedy in Grey Town:
Stranded Bus Passengers Resort to Cannibalism!
2nd weather related tragedy in 12 months
Victims only 30 yards from chip shop
Adverse Weather threatens thin veneer of Civilization
Waddon Thurs Jan 7th:
For the second time in less than 12 months (ref. Tragedy in Waddon, GTG Feb 2009) Grey Town's close-knit community is in mourning for neighbours caught out by the suburb's fickle micro-climate.
Emergency Services, who had spent the night battling ferocious weather to rescue stranded motorists, this morning made a grim discovery - a 119 bus containing the partially eaten remains of half a dozen passengers, apparently victims of cannibalism.
Police speculate that a group were on their way out to find emergency food supplies after their local pizza delivery firm stopped services. Facing a potential journey of two or three hundred yards they decided to take the bus, only for it to get stuck in a snow drift. Health and Safety regulations prevented the driver from letting them off and after what must of been a desperate hour or two without food - not even Mars bars - some of the group panicked and started eating their fellow passengers.
Tragically the bus had got stuck just 30 yards from a chip shop, but weather conditions and their excessive biomass made it impossible for them to walk that far.
Grey Town council has acted swiftly to reassure residents and is introducing emergency measures (with help from the Army) to have kebabs, fries and chicken nuggets airlifted to those most in need. |
Surrey Town Buried in Salt
Over Zealous Council Blankets Town
Health and Safety gone Mad or just Good Planning?
A special report from Red Sirron, Our Man in Colrouge
Colrouge, Surrey Wed 6th Jan:
Local residents awoke today to find their town blanketed in 6" of virgin white salt. At first many thought that like the rest of the country they had been blessed with snow and were looking forward to a day off work, snowball fighting and taking millions of pictures nobody will ever look at.
But on inspection they found it to be unusually fine and crunchy for snow. That's because it was actually salt!
Stung by criticism over its poor performance during the snow storms of 2008 the local council was determined to be ready this winter. They had spent the summer stock-piling three million tons and purchased and extra 200 gritting lories to spread it.
Raised blood-pressure
The town's residents are not impressed. As one local put it 'its outrageous! Council tax is up by 200% to pay for this stuff. The kids are upset - have you ever tried making a salt man? - and its killing all the worms and bugs and when it rains our cars will turn to rust!'.
Explains National Shortage?
Other councils meanwhile complaining that this is the reason for the countrywide shortage of grit and salt.
But Colrouge council insists it had no choice and blamed new health and safety legislation for its actions.
(We welcome Red to our team. A former International Oil Refinery Troubleshooter, he has recently made a name for himself as a photo journalist and social commentator, and we can promise you more of his insightful and socially challenging material - Ed) |
Polar Bears Migrate to Britain
First Visit Since 10,000 BC
Bournemouth, Fri Jan 8th: December and January have seen some new visitors to our shores: polar bears.
The animals are said to enjoy our new climate, particularly as its combined with easy access to rubbish dumps and wildlife reserves where they can find ample supplies of their preferred foods.
Contrary to popular misconceptions, the polar bears are not relocating because of shrinking ice caps. They simply want to escape from intrusive media attention in their homeland, not to mention tiresom visits from environmentalists and naturalists who keep filming them eating baby seals and mating and, most annoyingly, keep sticking unfashionable tags in their ears. | |
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