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The Grey Town Gazette |
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News From The Urban Sprawl
July/August 2009
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Happy Holidays!
(what's left of them...)
Special Dumbed Down Holiday Edition!
Half the Content, and twice as long to read it!
Grey Town's 'BBQ Summer' is in full swing and we - its happy citizens - are able to enjoy its incomparable pleasures:
The humidity without any annoying sunshine,
The smelly hot buses,
The fat pink chavs with panting dogs,
The proudly displayed muffin tops,
The hot smell of kebabs
The stale drains,
The gleaming grey towers set to to a turbulent grey sky!
We love it all! How could we not? We just want to be out there enjoying it while it lasts.
That's why we've produced this special easy-read summer special - not to make it easier for you to digest on the beach, but to make it easier for us to write!
So enjoy!
Ed
New in this Issue:
WorldWonder
Our celebration of the Wonders of the World - not the boring usual stuff like the pyramids (yawn) but truly great things like Trappist Beer.
Rear View
Our look back into the GTG's archives to see what was happening in decades past.
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Theobabble
a Thought for Today
Today's Theobabble is from Barry Babble a struggling stand-up comedian from West Ruislip:
" Greasy patches on bus windows.... what's that about then? ...Hey?
You know... the greasy patches that make you want to gag and sit somewhere else, only to find all the windows are the same!
Really...what's that about then? ...Hey?
I mean...... who are they? ...these people with lazy necks and greasy hair? Why do they do it? What's the point? ...Hey?
It really gets my goat ...you know what I mean? ...Hey?
and another thing..... where are they? ...the people who do it? How do they mess up all the windows without being seen? ...Hey?
I mean... are they aliens or something? I've never seen them...
I don't know...what's the world coming to? ...Hey?"
B.B.
The GTG believes there's actually only one person in the whole of London responsible for this problem, its just that the bus companies never clean the windows...
(we also think Barry needs to sharpen up his material) |
Editorial Announcement
Font Policy
The Grey Town Gazette is proud to announce that its joined the Sustainable Font Alliance.
The Alliance's mission is to encourage the use of environmentally responsible fonts by online news organizations.
The choice of font can have a dramatic effect on the amount of power required to render text to your screen
That's why here the GTG we use only Times New Roman and Courier New. Recent research* shows that these simpler, old fashioned fonts have consistently smaller carbon footprints than some some of the more flamboyant styles used by our rivals. When it came to fonts, Grandma knew best!
Not satisfied with that, we also undertake to minimize the use of bold and italics because these have been shown to cause up to 10 times as much damage to the environment as standard text.
The GTG: Doing our Bit - Because We Care!
* Source: 'Font and the Environment: A Blueprint for a Sustainable Future' Coulsdon Institute Press 2009. |
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WorldWonder
No. 1
Westvleteren 12
Those in the know, know! Those who don't, need to find out!
And by a fateful coincidence as we go to press its just 12 days until those in the know will be where it matters - living the dream. To see what you're missing, visit:
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Enviro-mental
Are you concerned about your impact on the environment?
Do you want to help save the planet?
Well, the GTG shares your concerns. That's why we publish this monthly advice column bringing you practical tips from the worlds of Science and Climate Theology on how you can help save the world.
E-mental Tip 3:
Why not put on weight? Most humans are carbon-based life forms. That means every ounce of weight you put on takes carbon out of the environment! So keep eating, but remember not to exercise - heavy breathing will cause you to exhale too much CO2, undoing all your good work! - so stick to the virtuous circle: Eat - Get Fat -Sleep - Eat - Get Fatter - Sleep and so on!
E-mental Tip 4:
When you kick the bucket, leave instructions that you are to be buried in a coal mine. That way the carbon stored in your (hopefully obese) body will remain trapped miles underground where it can't do any harm. And if you're lucky, after a few hundred million years you might even turn into something useful like coal or oil, or even a diamond!
So there you are - there's no excuse - go for it!
Do you have any helpful tips you'd like to share with other readers? We welcome your contribution - remember it will be easier to save the planet if we all work together!
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On this day - 1961:
Tel Aviv, Aug 20th
Adolf Eichmann released
Adolf Eichmann, Himmler's right hand man and Architect of the Holocaust, has been released from prison on compassionate grounds. He will now not face the hangman's noose for his crimes of genocide.
His doctors say he is suffering from a very sore neck caused by his cramped prison cell, and if he were to be hanged it would cause him undue distress.
The authorities had no choice but to release him or risk falling foul of Human Rights legislation.
On his release Eichmann flew back to his retirement home in Argentina where he received a hero's welcome from a crowd of several hundred cheering ex-pat Nazis.
* Footnote: we're only kidding! This didn't happen. Eichmann wasn't lucky enough to be captured by the Scots.
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Britain Introducing
Pay-As-You-Go Government
PM hails Scheme as Cure for National Debt
Pre-Pay Cards for most Public Services
Police/Fire to accept Pay-Pal
Armed Forces to be Franchised
The Government has announced a radical solution to its budget crisis: Pay-As-You-Go Public Services.
This innovative scheme means there will be no need to cut any Public Services and no need to put up taxes. We can all have our cake and eat it!
Under the scheme the public will pay for Public Services as and when they need them. People will be able to pay by credit/debit card, Oyster, Pay-Pal, or even elect to have services billed to their mobile phone.
This will free up the entire tax budget so that it can be used to address Britain's most pressing priorities: paying interest on the National Debt (50% of revenue); paying MPs' pensions (30% of revenue); and paying Government consultants (20% of revenue).
Basic level services such as rubbish collections and street cleaning will be cash based. Just hand your payment over to the appropriate Operatives when they arrive to service you.
Street lighting and Traffic Lights will be coin-operated and in the case of the latter the more money you put in, the faster your light turns green! (from June 2010 Platinum Account customers with proximity cards will be able to pay a small fee to ensure lights always turn green as they approach).
If you need a Premium Public Service, such as Police Fire or Ambulance, you must first check availability on-line. You then pick one of the available time slots, make your payment, and wait for the service to be delivered. Its as simple as that! There's even a Tracking feature to allow you to monitor progress.
Alternatively, you can book services by phone by calling the UK Government International Call Centre ( GTG June) (calls charged at �1.50 per minute).
'Life Enhancing Services' - such as emergency medical operations - are obviously more expensive and will be funded by a new type of 'Lifesaver Mortgage', available (subject to status) exclusively from Britain's nationalized banks. Hypochondriacs will benefit from a loyalty card scheme being introduced by the NHS. Just get your card stamped after each operation and when you've collected five stamps the sixth operation is absolutely free! (and comes with a complementary donut on the side!).
Defense to be franchised
The defense of the realm is an essential and expensive necessity but financial boffins at the Treasury have come up with an ingenious scheme for making it self-financing. The Government will sell 10-year Operator Licenses for the principal services: Sea; Air; Land and Special Forces. In return the licensees will be able to retain the proceeds of any war booty, a system that worked very well for the Elizabethans and during the Napoleonic wars.
Furthermore when their services are not required by the UK Government, the Forces will be free to sell their skills to other nations. This will significantly increase the R.O.I. (Return On Investment) on expensive equipment such as ships and nuclear weapons. In both cases a modest tithe (share) must be paid to the Exchequer.
Talks are also well advanced with the Americans and French to establish a 'code-sharing' alliance under which the 3 nations will pool resources and share international policing roles and the resulting income.
The process has already started with the awarding of two new aircraft carrier franchises to a joint Anglo-Russian joint-venture who plan to operate the ships alongside the Americans and French in the Persian Gulf where there are some excellent profit opportunities.
The licenses will not cover the fighting of major wars (defined as being those against 'world powers' or members of the EU). The Government retains a monopoly on these, and will put them out to tender on a case by case basis. |
News Flash!
126.7% of A-Level Maths Students Achieve A-Grade
Thurs 20th Aug
Britain's A-level students are celebrating another year of record grades and clearer skin, especially in maths. Despite living on a diet of chips, alcopops and MySpace, these plucky youngsters have shown their critics what they're made of and amassed exam results their parents could only dream about. Its the first time in modern history where the number of A-grades exceeds the number of candidates by such a convincing margin.
All this and fewer spots too! The GTG's research of photos in the press indicates students are not only getting smarter, but more cheerful and fresher skinned too - not a surly minger in sight! How things have changed since your correspondent's school days!
All this is great news for anyone who likes statistics or has a job filling in forms. And so useful! The youngsters' maths skills are sure to come in handy when they have to work out the interest on their student loans, and the odds on getting a job after university (I expect they all want to be models anyway..Ed).
The GTG says well done! |
Nightmare on Endell Street:
Octave Closed!!
Covent Garden Sat July 11th
Forget Bacon Flu, The Economic Crisis and the rubbish weather: the greatest tragedy of recent times occurred this weekend in the capital:
London's best bar - Octave - has closed!!
Your corespondent is at a loss for words. With next to no warning this marvelous establishment closed its doors on July 11th.
With great staff, lovely atmosphere and brilliant cocktails it was always a great place to pop in and unwind. They even did food for those who wanted to dilute their drink. Oh, and some jazz too.
Well, we at the GTG will certainly miss it. There is a hopeful (wishful?) reference on their web site to opening again sometime 'in larger premises' - let's hope that's true.
But unfortunately by then the staff will have no doubt spread their wings far and wide - with new pursuits ranging from working at nearby bars to measuring lama bones in South America (yes really) - so can it ever be the same?
We wish you all the best and hope to bump into you sometime.
Oh well, life goes on.... Better start the gruelling task of researching new watering holes!
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Survey reveals latest Trends in Baby Names
There's nothing a fickle as fashion. Just a few weeks ago Britain's list of Top Baby Boy Names was dominated by traditional English classics such as Mohammed, Barack, Jerzy, Subhan, Lech, and Connor.
But since the death of that icon of childhood innocence, Michael Jackson, the list has changed out of recognition as mourning fans inspired by the life of their hero rush to name their offspring (and in some cases rename themselves) in honor of the Great Man-Boy of Pop.
Top Boys' Names July 2009
1. Demerol (origin: middle Saxon meaning 'he of sweet and passive disposition'. Female form 'Demi')
2. Paxin (Norse god of rhythm)
3. Zoloft (E. European, happy-go-lucky)
4. Zanax (Pagan god of sleep)
5. Vicodin (Icelandic hero. Man of strength - feels no pain, diminutive 'Vic')
Top Girls' Names July 2009
1. Soma (Gaelic. Princess of sleep)
2. Dilaudid (Welsh. Carefree dreamer. Diminutive 'Dilly')
3. Demi (see Demerol)
Source: Faculty of National Statistics, Coulsdon Institute. |
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Government Announces Revised Alcohol Limits
Revised upwards to Boost Tax Revenue
Backed by new 'Drink for Britain' Advertising Campaign
 Whitehall Wed Aug 5th
The Department of Health has issued revised alcohol consumption limits for individuals.
The new minimum limits are 21 units for men and 14 units for women. Anything less than that is bad for the economy.
Citizens are also being asked to limit the days they don't drink to at most one or two days per week
The official position is that this is a win-win situation for everyone: "the advantage for the consumer is that when drunk they won't care about the economy, the brewers and pubs benefit from increased trade, the government will benefit from the increased tax revenue, and Government Departments will receive better funding to enable them to continue growing their empires". |
Met Office Scraps Supercomputer
Hawthorn Bushes more Accurate
Bracknell Fri July 24th
The UK Meteorological Office has blamed its recent failures to predict the weather on poor performance by it new �100 million supercomputer.
In a dramatic policy reversal the Met Office is going to scrap the system and abandon mathematical modelling altogether. The systems will be replaced by a collection of hawthorn bushes, an oak tree, some spiders and a flock of starlings which will be monitored for traditional indications of weather change.
Records for the last 50 years show indigenous fauna and flora to be consistently better at predicting the weather.
Footnote: the Supercomputer and the modelling team are to be relocated to the Treasury where their unique skills will be used to help formulate the Government's budget plans. | |
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York Minster Acquires Michael Jackson's Nose
Most important Religious Relic since St Peter's Foreskin found in 14th Century Dresden
Already visited by over 2,000 Pilgrims - Has transformed the Diocese's finances
But Clouds on Horizon - Protracted Custody Battle looks Certain
Turin settles for Jacko's Handkerchief
 York, Fri August 14th
A quarter mile long queue of pilgrims winds it way through the streets of York to the main entrance of the historic city's magnificent Cathedral.
A mixture of young an old, fit and infirm, the pilgrims have travelled from all corners of the World to see what is possibly the most important religious relic to be found in over five centuries. Enduring unimaginable hardships on route, including airline food, coach rides and English motorway services, the pilgrims have been resolute in their commitment to make the journey.
Already, no fewer than eight paraplegics, four blind, fifteen dyslexics, and twenty Bacon Flu sufferers have experienced miraculous cures after touching The Nose. By far the most dramatic beneficiary has been Russian Jazz Star Olga 'The Singing Torpedo' ( GTG June) who although still confined to her iron lung has nevertheless seen a miraculous turn-around in her career since visiting The Nose.
Make Hay While The Sun Shines
Sadly there are clouds on the horizon. Sixteen other religious centres have claimed that they are the holders of the True Nose. St Peter's Rome has demanded a DNA test to prove its claim. Turin cathedral on the other hand has cut its losses and put Jacko's handkerchief on display.
The Diocese of York meanwhile is staying aloof from the argument. Its PR has issued a short statement: "As far as the diocese is concerned it has The One and True Nose and we think it unseemly that other institutions are making such wild claims. In any case there are more than enough parts to go round. After all, in the medieval period the churches managed to share different pieces of their Saints without any of this unseemly bickering".
Footnote:
The Labour Party is rumored to be sending a delegation to see the relic in the hope that it can bring their party back from the dead. But there are limits to its healing powers. |
Russians caught Selling Polar Ice Caps
Ice been used for over a Decade to make Vodka
Preferred Source since the Aral Sea dried up
Discovery undermines a Cornerstone of Global Warming Theology
 Vladivostok, Wed July 15th: After the publication of incontrovertible evidence gathered by the International Space Station the Siberian Regional Government was today forced to admit responsibility for the recent reductions of Polar Ice coverage.
Apparently they have been using it to produce Vodka because their former preferred source of water, the Aral Sea, is now practically exhausted.
Russia, in common with most of Britain's provincial cities, has an insatiable demand for Vodka and its producers have struggled to find sufficient raw materials to keep up with demand.
Cleanest Supply
The Polar Ice is the most accessible source for clean water available to the Russians as their other fresh water supplies are nearly all contaminated with nuclear waste and rusty Ladas dumped by the increasingly prosperous proletariat.
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News Round-Up
Brazilians Accused of Stealing British Rubbish
Valuable National Resource Needed at Home
Garbage Trafficking a growing Problem
Santos, Southern Brazil, Sat July 18th
British and Brazilian Authorities have displayed a huge Cache of intercepted garbage that had been destined for the streets of Sao Paulo.
As we reported in our last issue (Landfill Sites forced to Reopen, GTG June)there is already a shortage of rubbish in the UK, but this is now turning into a Worldwide problem. With increasing wealth, cities in the developing world can no longer rely on their local indigenous poor to mess up the streets so they have been forced to import garbage to feed U.N. protected vermin and insects.
Garbage Trafficking is becoming an increasing menace, with sophisticated international gangs using ruthless methods to acquire and trade in this valuable resource.
The rubbish intercepted in Santos was accompanied by false documentation claiming it was Toxic Waste, which can still be legally traded, but in fact it contained mostly kitchen and other domestic waste rich in rotting organic material ideal as vermin feed.
A DEFRA spokesperson assured Britain's animal lovers that the UK government was doing everything in its power to ensure Johnny Foreigner doesn't steal our rubbish and that the Santos consignment would soon be shipped back to the streets of the UK protected in transit by a Royal Navy frigate. The move has been praised by the grass roots campaign 'British Trash For British Streets'.
Vladimir Putin working on a Freddie Mercury Tribute Album
A secret location somewhere in Siberia, Mon 3rd Aug
Surrounded by the rugged terrain of the Siberian wilderness, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is working on the finishing touches to the video for his Freddie Mercury Tribute Album. In the video he plays Freddie playing Rambo, and is performing all of his own stunts. Leaked early shots are said to be thrilling, but its a pity he forgot to grow a Freddie-style moustache - the very symbol of Mercury's unbridled manliness.
When not recording rock songs Putin likes to spend his spare time bare back riding and shooting off his gun.
Not to be outdone, Obama to play Will Smith in Biopic of the Great Man?
Seen as a smart career move
Rumors are rife in Tinseltown that Barack Obama has auditioned to play the role of Will Smith in an upcoming biopic of the Great Actor.
If true this would be a smart move by a man who is perhaps conscious that he is running out of time in his role as Saviour of the World.
When contacted by the GTG White House Officials refused to confirm or deny the report. |
Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town
 Stacey has writers' block.
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Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle?
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look!
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Have something to say? Feel free to address emails to [email protected]. Content may be edited to meet space constraints or rewritten to embellish boring material. Offensive material is not acceptable, unless it happens to be hilarious. |
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Classifieds
E-Bay Account - Mint. Perfect Condition. Unused. Complete with original confirmation e-mail (unopened!). Ideal birthday gift or would suit collector. Offers to Sam, c/o GTG.
World's Statesmen 2010 Glamour Calendar - Stunning production featuring 12 of the World's fittest and most virile World leaders. Beautifully shot in their natural habitat. Highlights include Mr March - Barack Obama, Mr May - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mr August - Hillary Clinton, Mr September - Lord Manhandleson. Plus an enchanting December double pose featuring Kim Jong-il in a fetching silver lame Elf suit sitting astride Bill Clinton dressed as Rudolph, and a very special Mr June-July double Centrefold featuring everybody's favorite hunk: Vladimir Putin. (Parental Guidance: contains nudity and offensive weapons. Not suitable for children) Contact: G20 Promotions, UN Plaza, New York.
Pilgrim's Progress. Are you troubled by some earthly sin and need to pay penance? Or are you seriously ill or perhaps cursed with a poor sense of rhythm? Well, we can help. Join one of our weekly pilgrimages to see The Nose of York and we guarantee you will return with your soul cleansed and refreshed. Package deals include full bed and board and for bookings received by the end of August a free sacrificial goat (usual price �49.50). Contact: Salvation Tours, Purley.
Cheap Booze! Are you depressed by the state of the economy? Lost your job? Home repossessed? Or maybe you got only 6 Grade-A Distinctions for your A-levels? Don't let it get you down - enjoy a cheap drink from us! Every conceivable type available from stock in bulk - wine, spirits, beer, cider, etc. Short of cash? Don't worry - we can arrange for you to pay through your tax code (if you have a job) or by automatic deductions from your benefits or student loan if not. Find out more at 'Drink for Britain' c/o HMC&E - Your Government Working for You!
Putin DVDs Special import - pre-release copies. Be the first to see this all action musical tribute to an icon of the rock world. Skillfully overdubbed in Cantonese, with French sub-titles. A must-have for all Putin-Mercury fans. Hurry while stocks last! �1 each or buy two and get a free Special Fried Rice! Contact: The Snorting Dragon, Caterham. | |
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Things we like
Let's get on with it!
Like us, but talented!
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Its not as bad as you think! |
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Small print:
Copyright July/August 2009 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Borg International Ltd, London.
Disclaimer:
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank |
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