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The Grey Town Gazette |
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News From The Urban Sprawl
June 2009
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Its the Silly Season!
Establishment Fiddles while Economy Burns?
Yes, tired joke, but Expenses Fatigue is creeping in.
Rational people are starting to ask just how long its possible for the media and political leadership to milk a story about a bunch of buffoons in Westminster fiddling their expenses? It makes us at The Grey Town Gazette wonder if the whole thing isn't a ruse to distract everyone from the state of the economy.
So, while other news agencies and 'the Great and Good' drone on about the small time financial antics of the ruling classes, we at the GTG are bringing you the Big Stories from around the world -the stories that that matter - the stories other news papers dare not print.
This month we reveal how Taliban fighters are using Britain's legal system to line their pockets and how environmentalists are campaigning to reopen landfill sites.
On a lighter note we have a special feature on a new home euthanasia system developed by some clever chaps in Switzerland.
But we admit its hard to get away from Westminster and so this month we report on two issues of vital importance to the nation: the outsourcing of parliament to India and the exposure of Britain's Phantom MP Menace.
Whatever happens, we bring you better news!
Enjoy!
Ed
New in this Issue
Oxymoron of the Month - Self evident nonsense exposed.
Enviro-mental - practical tips on how you can help save the world
Meat Me!: our new lonely hearts section.
Leading the way - The Grey Town Gazette!
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Theobabble
a Thought for Today
Today's Theobabble is from Ian Meddlemuch, spokesperson for
C.A.C.S. (Caterham Against Carbon Society)
Sneaky Readers, Selfish Readers
"Be honest, but when travelling by train or bus do you try to read the paper, magazine or book belonging to the person next to you? We all do it. Its natural and proper. You are after all showing respect for the environment by not buying your own carbon-intensive copy.
But isn't it frustrating when you can't quite see the juicy bit, or when your fellow passenger inconsiderately turns the page or gets off the train before you've had a chance to finish reading?
So today if you happen to be the guilty one - yes the one holding the book - why not show some consideration for the person sitting next to you? Perhaps you could hold your book so that it is more easily viewed by others. Why not ask if they are finished before turning the page? You might even consider staying on the train to allow them to complete their read.
Its not much to ask, is it?"
I.M. C.A.C.S.
Footnote: always ahead of the game, the GTG is fully supporting this campaign. Our backroom boffins have have coated this edition with a special HTML glaze which although invisible actually increases the viewing angle by more than 50% ! |
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Short Article
The Press Complaints Commission has notified us that some of our articles are unnecessarily verbose. We apologize for this.
As we are dedicated to balanced journalism this article is intentionally short.
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Enviro-mental
Are you concerned about your impact on the environment? Do you want to help save the planet?
Well, the GTG shares your concerns. That's why we're introducing this new section bringing you practical tips from the world of science on how you can help reverse Global Warming.
E-mental Tip 1:
Why not stop breathing for 5 to 10 minutes in every hour? Its the easy way to cut your CO2 emissions (safety note: best not to do this whilst driving).
E-mental Tip 2:
On hot sunny days make sure you wear a white shirt and hat. That way you will reflect the sun's harmful rays back into space, and help keep the planet cool.
So there you are - there's no excuse - go for it!
Do you have any helpful tips you'd like to share with other readers? We welcome your contribution - remember it will be easier to save the planet if we all work together!
Footnote: Due to overwhelming demand our Environmental Set-Aside Section ( GTG May) is moving to its own separate glossy supplement, available from news agents next week.
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Westminster Clean Up: Parliament to be Outsourced to India
New Scheme will cut costs and improve Governance
24-hour Tele-Service
House of Commons to be sold to Madame Tussauds
The Lords Relocating to The Riviera
MPs Demand New Homeland but get Floating Gulag
No need to Panic: Power remains with Brussels
All Change at Westminster!
The public have spoken and Doncaster has narrowly missed the opportunity to be the new seat of Parliament. The former favorite came runner up to Mumbai in the the final vote-off.
In the final of Britain's popular political talent show The Spiv-Factor, watched by a record 18.5 million viewers, the competing groups presented their schemes for hosting and operating the UK Government for the next 5 years.
Doncaster had been the favorite throughout earlier rounds, but its believed some recent aggressive outbursts from the city's campaign spokesman may well have damaged its chances.
The successful team's solution will replace parliament with a call centre. Each constituency will have a dedicated team of 'Virtual MPs' (no change then...see next story - Ed). In place of the old system of MPs' surgeries, constituents will now be able to phone their 'VMP' 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and relieve any stress they might have over local and national issues by swearing at the operator, who is guaranteed to remain calm and polite, if a little hard to understand.
The Mumbai team have promised to keep to a minimum the number of cold calls they make on behalf of their sponsors - a consortium of Double Glazing and Credit Card firms.
Brussels in charge
The outgoing government has stressed that citizens need not worry about a transfer of power to Mumbai. All policy decisions will continue to be made in Brussels. The new parliament will simply continue the tradition of pretending Britain is running its own affairs.
MPs demand New Homeland, but get floating 'home' on Thames
650 outgoing MPs have signed a petition demanding a new homeland where they can live free of persecution. Amongst other complaints the MPs say that their cultural identity is under threat, and they want to be free to live and raise their families according to their own fiscal and moral codes.
Unfortunately for them that's not likely to happen. Plans are already well advanced to house the redundant MPs in a floating 'Gulag' to be moored on the Thames. Named 'Alca-Thames', the new facility is being built at Skipdock-on-Sea on the East Coast and will shortly be towed to its mooring in Deptford.
Lords-a-Dancing
The House of Lords, meanwhile, has unilaterally decided to relocate to a chateau on the French Riviera. The Lords are funding the move using the UK's remaining gold reserves (approximately �2.5 billion) and miscellaneous treasures from the Tower of London that they've seized using a little known 11th century law known as the Barons' Prerogative.
Footnote:
The Doncaster group seemed visibly relieved when the results were announced. There is speculation that they were finding the whole process highly stressful, as the implications of their potential win started to sink in. The campaign group and the Town's Civic Leaders booked into Grey Town's leading rehab clinic, The Rectory, as a precautionary measure. |
Westminster Audit Shock:
A third of MPs don't exist
Members of Parliament created false identities to claim multiple Expenses Allowances
Explains why chamber nearly always empty
Dead MP continues to claim Allowance
Westminster, Fri 19th June
The independent auditors brought in to investigate the expenses scandal have made a shocking discovery: nearly one third of MPs don't actually exist!
Using the simple technique shown in the movie 'Day of the Jackal' MPs have been using the identities of buried infants to set-up multiple identities so that they can claim additional expense allowances. The worst offender, Baroness Undone allegedly created no less than 18 false identities and, it is claimed, managed to buy a Learjet and Caribbean Island with the proceeds.
This explains why the chamber often seemed empty during televised debates. It seems that for major events, such as the Opening of Parliament the real MPs employed their families, friends, local tramps and anybody else who would turn up for a fiver to bulk up the numbers.
The cheeky ruse was spotted by of the auditors, Selwin Biggs of Biggs Biggs and Biggs (Caterham), who became suspicious when he noticed that several MPs seemed to have names identical to infants buried in and around Westminster. "On sunny days I like to take my lunch breaks in the nearby churchyards. I started noticing a number of the names looked familiar. I realized what they were up to when I noticed the grave of Edmund Tudor (b.1511, d.1512) and thought it strange that there are currently three MPs with the same name! I'm dead chuffed to have spotted it - just like my hero Buster Crummond would have done!" (there's a prize for first person making the connection here... Ed)
Perfectly Legal
Apparently the MPs are not breaking any House rules. There are no rules that specifically say an MP can't have more than one indentity. So that's all right then!
Dead Give Away
In another outrageous abuse, another MP, Crispin Le Grand Boner (Cons. Wandle South) - has continued claiming his full allowance even though he's been dead for 4 months ( Tragedy at Waddon, GTG Feb). Speaking through his medium he claimed that this was a silly mistake on his part, as he had assumed he was entitled to continue claiming until the end of the current parliamentary term, but he is happy to pay it back just as soon as he can find a way to pick up his cheque book. |
Breaking News:
'Kings of Pop' spotted Arguing on Moon
Scientists testing the newly upgraded Hubble Telescope were startled today to see two men dressed in sequined outfits arguing on the moon's surface.
According to a spokesman: "...you can imagine our shock. We couldn't quite make out their faces but they seemed to be arguing over who is the true King of Pop. They were getting quite animated. The bigger guy with the platform heals also appeared to be upset about his daughter, but the smaller guy with the hat didn't seem to know what planet he was on. We tried to get the Russians to have a look too, but before they could confirm the sighting the two guys seemed to make up and then caught a number 82 Routemaster heading for Finchley"
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Taliban Warlord Awarded �20 million Damages
British Army action deprived family Of Drugs Revenue
 Strasbourg, Wed June 10th The European Court of Human Rights has ordered the British Government to pay �20 million compensation to an Afghan Warlord who's opium crop was destroyed by British forces.
By a majority verdict the court decreed that it was unlawful for the Allies to endanger the Warlord's primary source of income because it will limit his ability to purchase weapons and ammunition, giving the Allies an unfair competitive advantage in the ongoing war.
Even more seriously the army failed to follow the correct EU documentary procedures before launching a the attack. Under the rules, which apply to all forces from EU member nations, commanders must conduct a Risk Assessment and give 30 days written notice to the enemy in three languages (English, Babylonian, and Welsh). Health and Safety rules also require all combatants to wear hi-visibility clothing throughout any action and safety harnesses if fighting more than one metre off the ground.
Asylum
Unable to fight on, the warlord had no choice but to flee the region and seek asylum in the UK. He is currently living in a taxpayer-funded 20 bedroom mansion on Wimbledon common along with his 6 wives, 18 children, half a dozen security staff and his special friend Cedric the camel. His lawyer has issued a statement saying no amount of money can compensate his client for the loss to his quality of life having been forced to leave his childhood home, a particularly nice south-facing cave in the foothills of Helmand Province.
Background
The European Court of Human Rights has recently unilaterally extended its powers and jurisdiction to allow it to prosecute any case on any issue in any country* it sees fit (*excludes France, Italy and scary places like Russia and Iran who will be left alone to do their own thing).
Footnote: Three British soldiers were killed in the assault. Their families will receive �200 compensation (subject to tax) from the MOD.
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Environmentalists Force Landfill Site to Reopen
Seagulls and flies were starving without regular deliveries of rubbish
Activists want landfills designated World Heritage Sites
 Canvey Island, Mon June 1st
A recently closed landfill site is to reopen, and its landscaped covering of soil and turf removed to give seagulls and flies easier access to the rotting contents. Day-to-day operation will now be managed jointly by English Heritage and the PETA.
The move is a result of a concerted campaign by animal rights groups. For the last month activists have been living at the site in an effort to prevent its closure. In a rare example of capitalism and environmental activism working together, the protest group was kept supplied with food, cider and recreational drugs by Don Blagger, a Purley based scrap dealer and skip hire operator.
World Heritage Sites
Animal rights groups are lobbying the United Nations to designate land fill sites as World Heritage Sites. English Heritage, who recently reallocated its headquarters to Brussels, has already taken the initiative and declared a number of leading landfills as Grade II listed
Local Residents Angry, but told not to be Selfish
Local resident groups have expressed opposition to the reopening but according to English Heritage "The concerns of local people cannot be allowed to inconvenience the bird and insect populations. People are able to move anytime they like, whereas the seagulls and flies will not be able to survive outside their natural habitat."
Council ordered to stop emptying bins
Meanwhile the European Court of Animal Rights has issued an injunction preventing Grey Town Council from emptying bins until further notice. Rodents and other ferrell animals are now protected by the European Charter of Animal Rights and must not be prevented from scavenging for food during their breeding season (which is pretty much all of the time).
More Rubbish urgently Needed
Competition with the demand from recycling centres means that there is now simply not enough rubbish to go round. To address the problem the government is in talks with industrial groups to set up special facilities where new rubbish can be manufactured and delivered straight to the tips. Hot favorites for the contract are a consortium led by Blagger & Co (Scrap) and Russian Group NUKDumpza
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Technology Feature:
Swiss Scientists Develop Integrated Home Euthanasia System
New Budget Solution aimed at DIY enthusiasts - Should help reduce waiting lists at Swiss Clinics
 Geneva 22nd May:.As part of the effort to reduce waiting lists at Switzerland's Euthanasia Clinics and to widen the market to lower income groups, Switzerland's SeniSleep Labs have announced a new low-cost easy-fit home euthanasia system.
Based upon their well established SeniSense technology the new Gaz-o-Gran Lite is designed to make euthanasia more accessible. The modular system is specifically aimed at retired DIY enthusiasts with time on their hands to prepare for their future.
The system is designed to automatically detect terminal senility. Its based around an updated version of the simple and well-proven concept of the Dead-Man's Handle. After installation the PC-based control system is configured with a range of questions and answers, along with some simple time-response challenges.
Typical questions include: "What is your name?", "How old are you?", "Politicians are honest people, yes or no?", "You are a turnip yes/no?" whilst the time/co-ordination challenges include tests such as: "Press the Blue Button", or "Press the Red Button", or "Point to the odd one out...." and so-on.
Time to Go?
After activation the system will from time-to-time ring a bell to alert the client that their attention is required. They then must go to one of the systems control screens and respond to the challenges presented by the system. If they get the answer right the system goes back to sleep until the next challenge is due. If on the other hand they get it wrong, the system will present them with further challenges.
If the client fails these then the system will activate the pre-selected Checkout Procedure. This usually involves a specially developed gas being released through the air conditioning system sending anyone who happens to be in the building off on a one-way journey to a contented oblivion. To cater for all tastes the gasses are available with a choice of over 50 popular smells including freshly mown grass, baking bread, chicken vindaloo, and so on.
Stairway to Heaven
As the gas is released hidden speakers play a soothing background recording. This can be a favorite piece of music, a talking book, or anything else the client selected. According to a SeniSleep spokesman "historically clients have ordered Glen Miller classics and the speeches of Churchill, but more recently we have seen increasing demand for the works of Pink Floyd , Led Zeppelin, and the Start Trek TV theme".
A last goodbye
Finally the controller uses a built-in vertical application to automatically send a text message to friends and relatives informing them of the client's departure and inviting them to the funeral. For those with limited budgets this feature can be configured to deliver the messages off-peak or at weekends. A fax option will be available in Q3 2009.
Optional Extras:
For those with bigger budgets a number of extras are available:
Temporary Swiss Consular Status:
Though expensive, this option does at least ensure that the client's relatives are not prosecuted for assisted homicide or manslaughter. For a fee of �250k the clients's home can be temporarily registered as a Consulate of the Swiss Embassy. This gives the occupants diplomatic immunity. Note: to comply with International Protocols some consular functions must be run from the address. The favorite choice is to represent Swiss maritime interests.
Installation Service:
Aimed at those who can't be bothered to do their own installation or have forgotten where they put their tools. This service might also suit a younger generation wanting to surprise their elderly relative with a special birthday or Christmas gift!
Home clearance service:
With this option, after 'doing the business' the Gaz-o-Gran sends an automatic message to one of SeniSleep's approved Home Clearance partners who despatch a professional team to move The Departed then clear, clean and sell the home and its contents. The relatives are then sent a cheque (minus a modest fee) without having to lift a finger.
Funeral Gift List:
A fashionable new idea reviving the Ancient Egyptian tradition of burying useful gifts with the departed. The client picks a list - The John Lewis one being most popular - from which relatives (and anybody else hoping to be included in the client's will) can pick a gift to be despatched with the client at the allotted time.
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News Round-Up
Martial Arts Legend dies in hotel mystery
Fans shocked (they thought he died years ago)
Hong Kong Thurs June 11th
Chuck Carbine, Chinese American star of over 700 martial arts and action movies has been found dead in a hotel room in Hong Kong.
The 70 year old star, best remembered for the long-running 1970s TV series 'Gung Ho', was found by hotel staff Wednesday morning. Details are sketchy, but he was allegedly found dressed in a corset and thigh-length patent leather boots. Cause of death is unknown but apparently he had a smile on his face.
Carbine had recently seen a revival in his career since starring in Claude Bardot's cult action movies 'Dead Kill' parts I and II in which he stunned audiences with his stylish performances in a breathtaking sequence of fight scenes, wearing a dashing blond wig and stunning yellow leather cat suit.
His old friend and several times co-star Jean-Michelle LeGroin told reporters 'this is such a shock. Chuck was so full of life. But I know he'd be happy the way he went out, just like one of his characters, with (somebody else's) boots on'
Carbine's family spoke to their fans live from their syndicated reality TV Show 'Life With The Carbines: We used to be famous - please watch us' and asked that the public and media respect their privacy in this time of loss. A private memorial service will be aired live on 30th June on the GTGNTV network.
Chuck Carbine 1938 - 2009, R.I.P.
Official Report:Bacon Flu Pandemic Saves Lives
Mexico City streets safer: Flu kills fewer people than Taxi Drivers.
Mexico City, Fri June 12th
Mexican authorities today admitted that the national death rate in Mexico dropped as a result of the H1N24 'Bacon Flu' Pandemic (GTG May) . The special measures introduced to control the pandemic resulted in fewer people on the streets and fewer taxis on the roads. The result has been a dramatic reduction in road deaths.
EuroMILF Wants More
Brussels, Tues June 23rd
The European Manufacturing Industry Liquidity Fund (EuroMILF) has issued a urgent request for more funds. According to a spokeswoman "EuroMILF is desperately in need of a big injection".
EuroMILF has recently been under pressure competing for tight resources against its rival EUCLIT (EU Directorate of Climate Theology GTG Feb).
A European Central Bank spokesmen issued reassurance "bare(sic) with us: we're confident we can satisfy demand from both"
Pound Recovers: Turnip in Free-Fall
NOBFUX: "we've been shafted"
It looks like Norfolk's brief flirtation with The Turnip is coming to an end, leaving the root vegetable's reputation as a 'safe haven' currency in tatters. The Norfolk Beet Futures Exchange (NOBFUX)is in crisis, with some traders reportedly throwing themselves from the top of the silos housing Norfolk's Strategic Turnip Reserve.
After an initial period of irrational exuberance, it quickly became apparent that The Turnip is not all that stable as a currency: its prone to going mouldy and its shape doesn't lend itself to being dispensed from cash machines.
Local shops and businesses have already started switching back to conventional currencies, although some car dealers are still accepting root vegetables (or anything else for that matter) in exchange for new cars.
There's little sympathy from the World Bank who issued a terse statement: "this currency is rotten to the core. As far as we're concerned Turnips are off the menu".
Smart Sewage Meters
Supposedly to help families control their greenhouse gas emissions
But fears they might be used to monitor Drug and Carb Abuse
Coventry Fri 22nd May
The Government has announced plans to install new 'Smart' Sewage Meters in all of Britain's 26 million homes. This is the biggest domestic infrastructure project since Britain switched to natural gas in the 1960s.
The meters chemically analyse sewage content and gas emissions and display these in real-time on a console, usually mounted in the kitchen or hallway. This will enable householders to monitor their greenhouse gas emissions and make adjustments to their lifestyle to help the country meet its obligations under the Kyoto Treaty.
Civil liberties groups have raised concerns that the meters are also capable of detecting drug use and excess food consumption and that this might be used as evidence against individuals by a government desperate to tackle the problems of drugs and obesity. The Home Office has denied this, along with the more extreme claim that the meters might even contain radio transmitters that will automatically report the drug and food abuse directly to the police. |
Meat Me!
Your chance to meet the love of your life! (or just somebody for the weekend)
Special Launch Prize: to add a little zing to our first edition of Meat Me! we're offering a prize of a bottle of Spar own brand Cava and a gift bucket of Maltesers to the first couple who marry as a result of meeting through us! Wow!
Midnight Friday May 17th, The Strand. You are the gorgeous leggy blond with the George Clooney look-alike on your arm. You put 50p in my paper cup. Any chance you'll dump that loser and share a cider with me? Manky Tramp (lying by bin).
Thruster - where are you? How I long for us to get back together. The fond memories of the time in Maldon when you explained to me how torpedos work, and showed me how to tie special knots. Get in touch! Little Mountin Girl (Heidi), Essex.
Tuesday 7th June, M6 southbound J6. To the naughty lady at the back of the coach. You flashed your assets at me as I overtook. I can't forget the wicked smile you gave me as my car cartwheeled across the central reservation. Want to come and kiss me better? Guy in Maserati (name forgotten, c/o Stoke Mandeville)
ASDA Edmonton, Wednesday night. To the XXXXXL bloke with the trolly full of Irn Bru and Oven Chips. You were so funny when you tripped and crushed that freezer. Want to come round and supersize me? Hippo Girl (on electric buggy).
Are any of these messages referring to you? Don't be shy, just send us an email and we'll do the rest. Want to get in touch with your dream partner? Simply send your request to [email protected] with subject: 'Meat Me!' |
Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town
Fun in Acapulco
 Stacey is back from her romantic 'oliday with Mr B in Mexico:
Bleedin' 'ell what a dump! Don't get me wrong like, but I'd rather 'ave gone to Ibiza. The locals was really nice, but they kept singing and yelping all the time and the chip shops was rubbish.
Some things was nice. The hotel was real posh. It was so posh they 'ad an eat-all-you-like buffet! I liked that. And the tequila. And the lifeguards.... yea, I liked them. Especially Juan.
The hot weather and the tequilas got me all worked up and I couldn't wait to jump on Mr B in the afternoons, but after a couple of days he got all grumpy and kept sneakin off to the bar to watch the football! He said I was instateable (sic) or something. Anyhow I was getting a bit tired of him too. I always knew he was a big geezer, but I never realized he had cellulite on his fingers! And there was no room in the bed. It was only king size. He needs emperor size.
So don't think I'm fickle or anything but me mind wandered. Its only natural innit? Especially when all the guys by the pool was so fit. Juan was bleedin' gorgeous. Real slim and brown and shiny like Ronaldo and he had a nice gold necklace. And he was so romantic: he told me he was desperately in love with me! Imagine that after only half an hour? What passion! I played hard to get mind you - I made him buy me two drinks before I let him take me to me room. But when we got there we 'erd Mr B snoring. Juan was real smooth - he said he knew somewhere nice we could go. Well I was hoping for better - I was on holiday after all - but he said the car park had a lovely view of the sea. Oh well, needs must...
Next morning I woke up in the back of his car. Its a pity it had no windows cos I felt like crap and I had a cold. A cold! Can you believe it? Its supposed to be hot and stuff, but everyone had a cold. They said we'd caught it from the bacon or something. Knew I should 'ave stuck to chips. Anyhow then this bunch of geezers turned up dressed in space suits. I thought it was the cabaret but they said they was locking us in the hotel! Bleedin' liberty!
Next month we'll hear how Stacey got to play doctors and nurses... |
Review: DVD of the Month - Le Paradoxe de Waddon,
Tense Accountancy Thriller Set to background of the Cold War
Director: Jean Michelle LeGroin
Starring: Jean Michelle LeGroin, Chuck Carbine
120 mins, 3D (remastered), rating 18
GTG Wow Rating *****
 Grey Town Mon 1st June:
It was only a matter of time given the phenomenal success of L'ab�me d'espoir (The Abyss of Hope) (GTG May) before we would see the re-release of earlier works by Claude Bardot and his long standing collaborator and sometimes rival Jean Michelle LeGroin.
The first to hit the shelves is this 1982 classic in which LeGroin not only starred, but also directed and produced. The original has been painstakingly restored and remastered in 3D HD format and looks as fresh as the day it was made.
Set in the mysterious world of double-entry bookkeeping and VAT reconciliations, the story is an action-packed tale of one man's battle to audit a client's books before their filing deadline whilst simultaneously battling with KGB agents masquerading as VAT inspectors.
LeGroin plays Buster Crummond (motto "Value Added Violence") a self-employed bookkeeper, former Special Forces Agent, and steam enthusiast who uses Ramboesque methods to to deal with journal errors and recalcitrant tax officials. Made in a time before CGI, LeGroin had to perform all of his own stunts (and was nearly killed when filming the exploding line-printer scene) but this he did with a kind of panache James Bond would find hard to match.
Synopsis
The enigmatic title refers to the paradox that even though Crummond's calculations are perfect, the local VAT inspector (Victor Luchenko played by martial arts legend the late Chuck Carbine) nevertheless rejects his Quarterly Return. Using his trademark combination of diligent book work and pump action shoot outs Buster unearths a Cold War plot by the KGB to undermine the UK's economy by infiltrating local VAT and Tax Offices.
The film is of course famous for its high speed rickshaw chase through the streets of Grey Town, but my favorite scene has to be the awesome slow motion sequence (reminiscent ot Sam Peckinpah's "The Wild Bunch") when Buster shoots his way through Grey Town's branch of Customs and Excise spraying bullets and mayhem in all directions. And who can forget the final confrontation on the roof of Grey Town Castle when Buster utters the immortal words "Reconcile this!" before blowing away arch villain Luchencko with his Magnum 44. Priceless!
The DVD features the usual extras of interviews with the director and stars, some amusing out takes, plus a free 30-minute Porn Short staring a little known Swiss actress Heidi Minx.
Although we've all seen it a dozen times, this bank holiday favorite is still a must for fans of bookkeeping and mindless violence. With all the publicity surrounding LeGroin's new film and Carbine's untimely death demand is bound to be huge so don't delay: rush out to Blockbuster and grab your copy now! Value Added Violence indeed! |
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Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle?
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look!
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Fog Horn
Readers' Letters
Case Study
Why do newspapers keep using upper and lower case letters without any consistency or logic? It really annoys me! And stupid puns: I hate those too! Angry of Hackbridge. Lucky you're reading the GTG then, hey? Ed.
Anger Management
That Angry of Hackbridge guy really hacks me off. Always moaning about something. I hate people who are always moaning. Angry of Merton. Maybe you guys should get in touch through 'Meat Me'! ? Ed
Have something to say? Please address emails to [email protected]. Content may be edited to meet space constraints or rewritten to embellish boring material. Offensive material is not acceptable, unless it happens to be hilarious. |
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Classifieds
Caribbean Island - all the trimmings (airstrip, yacht harbor, 10,000 square foot villa with swimming pool). Well maintained: no expenses spared. Also Learjet. Low mileage. Must sell. Any reasonable offers considered (no Turnips). Would consider part-exchange for new identity. PO Box 999 House of Lords
2,000 Tons of Turnip-Bonds - Finest Gilt-Edged Stock. Guaranteed interest rate of 3 hundred weight of carrots per ton per year. Would consider part-exchange for Caribbean Island. Contact Sid, c/o NOBFUX, King's Lynn.
Garbage. Finest quality. Huge range: Mixed detritus, plastics, organic. Available in bulk and individual retails packs. Complies with PETA specifications for vermin and insect food. Available mail order and across the counter at our showroom. Blagger and Co (Scrap), Purley. | |
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Small print:
Copyright June 2009 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Borg International Ltd, London.
Disclaimer:
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank |
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