The Grey Town Gazette 

News From The Urban Sprawl

April  2009
 
Spring Time in Grey Town!
 
Grey Town Castle
 
Welcome to the April Issue of The Grey Town Gazette - The source for local and international news!
 
Spring has sprung in Grey Town: the sky is a lighter shade of grey and Grey Town Castle is looking resplendent in the evening mist.  A joy to behold!
 
A pity we can't say the same about the economy. We're all used to sooty places up north suffering of course, but its really not on for glamorous southern cities like Grey Town to be be in the same boat.  Incomes are stagnant, yet cocktail prices are going through the roof! This is unacceptable. That's why we say the Government should do something about it!
 
But things might be about to change, as we report in our exclusive scoop about the rebranding of the UK, and the arrival of Gordon's 20, armed with unknown plans to save the World.
 
In another hopeful move the EU Parliament has employed Bertram Madeoff-Stanford to run their fiscal affairs. He has a proven record of being able to generate steady financial growth over several decades with  the simple application of Faith Based Economics.
 
Whatever happens, you can be sure that The Grey Town Gazette will bring you the news first, and with insightful analysis and comment. 
 
 
New this month
 
We're always striving to make GTG even more compelling and enjoyable to our loyal readers and this month we're pleased to announce two new sections:
 
Fog Horn  is your chance to have your views and ideas voiced. We want to hear from you, and if we like what you're saying we might even publish it!* Yes, really! You can't say fairer than that!
 
Sex and the Chippy  is a new lifestyle feature penned by Grey Town's very own Stacey Jo Parks (known to her friends as Park n' Ride). This glamorous new column gives a monthly update on the love life of a typical cosmopolitan girl, revolving around her job in one of Grey Town's leading fast food outlets,  The Battered Pikey.
 
Enjoy!
Ed.
 
 
Special Announcement: Last month we promised you a special feature on the transportation of the Toxic French Aircraft Carrier Clemenceau to Purley for break-up and recycling as garden furniture. Unfortunately the government have issued us with a D- Notice, preventing us from publishing this important story. Sorry.
 
* Random Terms and Conditions apply, depending on our mood. 
 
 Advertorial Feature
 
Are you tired of Consumerism?
 
Do you think Capitalism is all washed up?
 
Do you take 70's Labour politicians seriously?
 
Do you like newts?
 
Do you want to return to living in caves? 
 
Yes? Then come to our Alternative G20 Summit.
 
Guest Speakers from around the World, including Wiltshire and Dorset. Hands on workshops on Faith Based Economics and making deodorants from garden waste. Special showing of the environmental disaster movie "A Convenient Lie".
 
Herbal tea and tree bark cookies included.
 
8pm, April 1st.
Caterham Church Hall
Surrey.
 
C. A. C. S.
(Caterham Against Carbon Society)
UK rebranded Nu-K
 
Country to be refinanced with �1 Trillion Share Issue
South Wales saved from closure
NE could be mothballed

 
Mother of Clocks
 
 
Westminster, Mon 30th March.
 
There are rumors in corridors of power that the Prime Minister will use his keynote speech at the G20 Summit to announce a bold plan to rebrand and relaunch the UK with a new image, business plan, and investment.
 
From May 1st, the UK will be renamed "Nu-K".
 
The country's finances will be strengthened by issuing a trillion non-voting convertible preference shares at an offer price of �1 each, redeemable after the next General Election.
 
To make the scheme more attractive to potential investors, the country's bad debts will be ring-fenced into "Toxic Bonds" and sold to private sector pension funds, who will be compelled to purchase them or risk facing a special  "dequantitivisation" charge on their assets.
 
Potential investors include a number of leading Columbian pharmaceutical businesses, who are seeking a safe home for their money following the collapse of the Caribbean banking industry.
 
None of this will be cheap. According to the National Share Prospectus, roughly �50bn will be spent on the rebranding exercise, split approximately �25bn to advising banks, �15bn for logo design and new web site, �6.5bn for new Civil Service stationary*, �3bn for updating immigration application forms in Nu-K's 64 official languages, �450m for television and newspaper advertising, �50 million on a Health and Safety risk assessment, and last but not least 500 quid for new signs at the county's ports and airports.
 
In drawing up its plans the Treasury was advised by senior bankers and economists from the recently Nationalised Lloyd's TB with input from Robert Mugabe.
 
Wales saved, NE facing closure
 
There will be relief in The Valleys that the new investment will mean there is now likely to be a reversal of last month's cabinet decision to shut down the Principality.
 
After a vigorous rearguard action the Minister for Industry, Lord Manhandleson has secured funds for the region's defunct steel mills to be converted into extensions of the Royal Mint. Apparently these are the only facilities large enough to print money on a scale required to finance the budget deficit.
 
England's NE looks less fortunate. To reduce Nu-K's overheads the region, which is over dependent on the car industry, will either me mothballed or sold off. A leading takeover contender is the Pacific Kingdom of Tonga which has been buoyed by its recent purchases of Iceland and Taiwan. The region's only possible escape from this fate might be to accept EUCLITs offer of a Euro 250k grant to switch from car to wind turbine manufacturing. This has the potential to save at least 10 full time jobs in the region.
 
�500bn Boost to MP's Expense Allowances
 
Nearly half the new investment, some �500bn, is earmarked to boost MP's expense allowances and pension provisions.
 
Asked why so much of the aid seems to be directed at an already affluent group, a Treasury spokesman responded: "This is about building a stronger country and Parliament and the Civil Service are at the heart of Nation, so it is only natural that we should prioritize investment there. We are confident this will improve a lot of people's lives". 
 
He also brushed aside fears that the moves would be highly inflationary by claiming Nu-K would be using "unconventional" means to restore its foreign currency reserves.
 
Property prices in Tuscany jumped 30% on the announcement.
 
* environmental note: stationary will be purchased from sustainable fair trade producers in Brazil and Doncaster.
Gordon's 20 Arrive in Town
 
High Rollers Fly in from Vegas
 
Fans Line Streets 
G20 Fans
 
West End, Tues 31st March.
Much excitement in The City as thousands of fans thronged the streets to welcome the G20 into town. They weren't disappointed as the boys strode off their private jets, looking cool and sophisticated.
 
Gordon has spent the last couple of weeks jetting around the World trying to get the old team back together to work on his most ambitious caper yet.
 
Everyone is wondering what kind of wheeze the boys will pull off this time. Will they save the World Economy? Or will it be peace in the Middle East?
 
Maybe they are going to use hydraulic jacks to lift the economy while we're all sleeping?
 
It can't be a coincidence that Julia Roberts (or someone looking remarkably like her - Ed) was spotted in Leicester Square last week, but let's hope they're not going to try and repeat that toe curling ruse.
 
The ladies' eyes will be on new kid Barrak Obama - but will he be as good as Brad Pitt?
 
We shall just have to wait and see.
 
In This Issue
UK Rebranded
Gordon's 20 Arrive in Town
Obama considers Role in Government
Grey Town Shock: Chav Twin Pregnant
News Round-Up
Arts: Scumbag Billionaire Sweeps Oscars
Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
Fog Horn: Readers' Letters
Classifieds
Obama considers Role in Government
 
Media Celebrity believes He can save World
 
Body DoubleBurbank, Thurs 19th  March.
International media celebrity Barrack Obama is considering entering politics. Using his appearance on a popular chat show Obama indicated that he was concerned about the World economic crisis, tensions in the Middle East, World poverty, and the plight of those with Special Needs, and he really really wants to do something to help. 
 
Obama recently won the title of President in a well publicized Media Pageant. This is traditionally a symbolic position, although some previous winners have tried to influence events in minor ways, such as by getting shot or starting wars. 
 
Obama's philosophy has been covered in a number of best selling biographies* but when pushed he admitted he hadn't yet formulated any detailed solutions, though he is confident he can come up with something by the weekend.
 
*Bibliography: "Am I the Second Coming? Hell Yes!", "When Hopes Become Dreams", "Dare We Dream? Dare we not!", "If You Believe, Then You Can", "Sins of the Past: Dreams of the Future", "Duty To Dream", "Texan nightmare, Illinois Dream", and "Feel Good Food, For Feel Bad Times" to list just those published since Monday.
Grey Town Shock: Chav Twins Conceive Child in Womb
 
Broken Britain hits new low: first documented case of pre-natal-intra-womb-conception
 
Grey Town GirlWaddon, Mon 2nd March.
After the initial euphoria at their dramatic birth ("Miracle on the Wandle" GTG Feb) there is now growing outrage at the discovery that newborn twins Paris Easybike (age 1 month)  and Barrack (age 1 month 2 minutes) are to be parents.
 
In a development that is baffling medical experts (nothing new - Ed) it seems their child was conceived whilst they were still in the womb.
 
The great and the good, however, have lined up to to posture anger and dismay.
 
 
Social Services accused
 
Local MP Miranda Meddlemoore (Lab, Wandle Ditch) speaking from her sister's house rounded on  Social Services: "this is a clear failure of trust. they should have seen this coming and done something about it! Heads must roll!"
 
Church Leaders blame Thatcherism
 
Church leaders refused to criticise those involved, preferring to see them as inevitable victims of the UK's culture of greed caused by Thatcherism, "light touch" financial regulation and the Internet.
 
The twins' mother, local girl Tracy Easybike (16 and 3/4) turned on critics:  "it ain't nobody's business except Paris and Barrack's. What do ya expect? They woz probably bored stuck in there with no fags or drinks or nuffin!" In response to those who said she had set a bad example Tracy retorted "Whatta you mean? I was real responsible....I cut down to only 3 pints, 20 fags and one bag of chips a day. I also watched  BBC2 sometimes and even readed (sic) the papers once. I dun everything a mother could!!" As for the uneasy fact that the expectant parents are brother and sister, Tracy was equally unperturbed "What's the problem? My family's from Norfolk!"
 
DNA Test
 
In a bizarre twist, several of the Easybikes' neighbours have come forward claiming that their sons are the true father and demanding DNA tests. They claim this is nothing to do with the rumored �100,000 being paid to the Easybikes for their story by a national broadsheet.
News Round-Up 
 
God Particle Spotted in Purley
 
Tuesday, 24th Feb: Purley housewife Margery  Parker-Stopes claims to have seen the elusive Higgs Boson, or so-called "God's Particle" whilst sitting on a number 415 bus in Purley. "Like so many people in Purley I've been avidly following the news updates from CERN and Fermilab, so you can imagine my excitement when I spotted the particle as we passed Tesco. I knew what it was straight away  - the gamma radiation and promiscuous electrons were a dead give away! I haven't been this excited since I spotted an Entangled Pair on Riddlesdown". Margery has sent a Polaroid snap of the particle to Coulsdon Institute for confirmation.
 
CERN and Fermilab were unavailable for comment.
 
 
Authorities Baffled by Salmonella Outbreak in Waddon
 
Public Health Inspectors in Grey Town are yet to identify the cause of an outbreak of food poisoning in the Waddon area. "We have no idea where this came from" claimed one "and we are completely baffled as to why some of the victims also seem to be suffering from kerosene poisoning".  Investigations are continuing.
 
 
Norfolk Reintroduces Turnips as Legal Tender
 
Turnips are once again legal tender in Norfolk. In a reaction to collapsing value of Sterling the council has passed byelaws enabling turnips, and to a lesser extent carrots and peas, to be used to pay Business Rates and Community Charges. The idea has caught on with high street businesses and an increasing number of them are allowing retail customers to use root vegetables to pay bills.
 
Turnips have several advantages over conventional currencies. Firstly they are too big to fall through the hole in your pocket; secondly in the event you don't catch the shops before closing time, you can always eat them; and thirdly economists like them because they take several months to grow, making it harder for politicians to manipulate the money supply.  
 
 
EUCLIT Can't Get Enough
 
Officials at the EU Directorate of Climate Theology (EUCLIT) are furious that so far EU Governments have failed to pay their contributions to an EU-wide Bail-out Fund for The Global Warming Industry ("EU announces Bail Out Fund for Global Warming Industry", GTG Feb). Directorate Fuhrer Fritz Von Stompinghammer issued a terse statement from his F�hrerbunker complaining that so far all they had received were a lorry load of turnips from the UK and a dozen second hand tractors from Romania, and added a menacing comment "We have ways of making you pay!".
 
Diplomats are unsure what he means by this, but it has been noticed that a number of factories in The Ruhr Valley have recently switched to 24 hour production.
Arts: Movie Scumbag Billionaire sweeps Oscars
 
Heart warming story guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye
 
Broadway Tinsel Town, Mon 2nd Mar:
The movie version of the Broadway hit,  Scumbag Billionaire, has taken  an unprecedented 15 Oscars at the annual Motion Picture Academy Mutual-Love-In. The topical feel-good musical, set to a string of Country and Western and  Doo-Wop classics, tells the Robin Hoodesque story of Bertie Madeoff-Stanford's roller coaster career, covering his rise to riches, fall from grace and subsequent rehabilitation as Commissioner of Fiscal Ethics at the EU Parliament.
 
The film starts with Bertie's formative years as a small time bookkeeper and lifeguard in Grey Town's Financial District. It then takes us through his 40-year climb to the pinnacle of the financial world, culminating in his purchase of the entire Caribbean banking industry and his reinvention of cricket as a financial derivative, only for his whole world to fall apart when he is falsely accused of heinous financial crimes by  Serif Nottingham, Chairman of the Federal Reserve. 
 
The story, however, soon becomes more upbeat as it is revealed Bertie is not a real crook - he had merely taken money from a bunch of lazy trustafarians,  dozy country club members, and wealthy Columbian chemists, and redistributed it to cricketers, his family, and other needy causes.
 
The grand finali is a spectacular musical set-piece in the style of Busby Berkeley, featuring 500 spandex-clad Euro MPs singing a rousing Bavarian drinking song to welcome Bertie into the bosom of the European Secretariat, where his special and unconventional financial skills are sorely needed.
 
 
Annoying Pop-up Ad
(well, it would be if we had the technology)
 
We've nearly got clever and started archiving back issues of the GTG (not that there are many). Anyhow, if you want to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look! 

 
Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
 
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town

 
Slappertini Cheap Food, Quality Friends
 
The Battered Pikey, Friday 20th Feb:
I was 'avin a real rough night at the chippy. Me and the girls went out on Thursday and we'd got proper bladdered on our favorite drinks: Slappertinis, WKDs and lager. Friday woz my first day on the job and my 'ed hurt like nothin' else, and it was late like. I was gettin' real frustrated too cos I ain't seen none of my men for ages. Then Duane, my main man, come in with his new boss Don Blagger. Mr B owns the scrap yard and he's making tons of dosh from some old French ship or something. Anyhow, Duane was pissed and said he wanted to take me up The Back Passage, which I thought was real romantic, but I said I didn't fancy a curry so they 'ad chips.
 
Then before we could even get started Den, my boss, said he 'ad to take his dog for a walk and was shuttin' the shop so we 'ad to go. So we was like walkin' to the bus stop and I could see they was gettin' fidgety. I was 'ungry too. Duane offered me his saveloy, but it was cold and limp and didn't do nuffin for me. Then Mr B insisted I 'ave some of his sausage, but that was all battered and greasy so I couldn't hack that neether. They was moaning they 'adn't 'ad enough so I says they could share my plaice, one at a time mind you, but they moaned it smelled too fishy! What do they expect, I said, its bin cooking all day!
 
Anyow, so I sneaked 'em back to the Chippy and give 'em some more of what they wanted on the kitchen table. We was all well stuffed! Everyone was 'appy.
 
A girl can count on 'er friends in Grey Town!
 
See ya!
Trace :-) 
 
 
Fog Horn
 
Readers' Letters*
 
 
Heidi Controversial
 
Sir/Madam, I am outraged by your February report "Tragedy in Waddon" ("Tragedy in Waddon", GTG Feb). There is no way a Heidi could participate in such a sordid business. We Heidis are highly respectable, and are proud of our long tradition of being really nice girls, skipping through alpine meadows, and looking after fluffy things. We demand you publish a retraction! Heidi Minx (Ms), Chair, International League of Heidis, Welter-in-the-Marsh, Essex. 
 
Sir, how sad, the story about Heidi.  But it did bring back fond memories of when I was a young Navy Rating stationed at Maldon on the Essex coast.  I Knew a girl called Heidi(actually, the whole crew knew her). She taught me a few things! Turned a boy into a man! We called her The Belter from Welter. What a goer!  Cmdr Dicky "Thruster" Bates DSO RN(ret), Purley.
 
 
Clemenceau Memories
 
 
Bonjour Mon English amis. Votre reference de le Clemenceau (Leader, GTG Feb) brought back les 'appy memoirs pour moi. Je served dans 'er pour several ans dans le 70's. C'est un bon time, oh yes! Je recall exersises avec Nato sur le cote d'Essex. Ooh la la - les local filles, or "birds" as you say over 'ere, eh? ;-) Especially la feme fatale avec la nom Suisse je ne recall pas...Miss Minky maybe? She made me miss mon watch...je got thrown in brig and haul-keeled! Mais, je was 'appy! Jacques Rabbite, English Language Specialist, Academy Francais, Grey Town.
 
 
Oranges
 
Its a disgrace!  There should be a law against people selling oranges that don't peel easily. I haven't spend 40 years as a tax payer and subscriber to The Reader's Digest just so that they can sell me sub-standard fruit! What's the world coming to? They should do something about it! Angry of Hackbridge.
 
 
* Terms: please address emails to [email protected]. Content may be edited to meet space constraints or rewritten to embellish boring material. Offensive material is not acceptable, unless it happens to be hilarious.
Classifieds
 
Garden Furniture: Huge range. Classic and modern styles. Locally made in Purley from military grade steel. Mildly radio-active (warm in winter!). From �5 per chair, �10 tables. Also Super Warm Safety Duvets (fireproof). Stuffed with best quality recycled French asbestos: fluffy and warm! All products guaranteed to last your lifetime. Visit our showroom: Don's Scrap Yard, Purley.
 
Discount Cash! Closing Down Sale - Huge stocks of unwanted currencies must be cleared. Pounds Sterling only 90p each. Icelandic Krona: open to offers . RBS (Scottish) �5 Bank Notes: 10p each - make great fire lighters (carbon neutral!!). Buy any mix of 3 and get cheapest free! Contact: Alistair, HM Treasury, Whitehall.
 
Car Factory: 10 million square foot plant. 100 acre site. 1 million vehicle annual capacity. Rebuilt 1990s. Comes complete with nearby Deep Sea Port, Railway Terminal, 1,500 rail wagons and Company Town with Sports Centre, 6,000 dwellings (some sitting tenants), Kebab shop and two pubs. �500 the lot (cash, buyer collects). Might consider part-ex for turnip farm or villa in Tuscany. Contact: NE Regional Development Office, Sunderland. 
 
Draftsmen/Printers Wanted: Are you a skilled draftsman with knowledge of precision printing techniques and specialist paper types? Do you have a detailed knowledge of international currencies, bonds and other quality financial instruments? Are you willing to work in total secrecy? If you can say yes to any of these then we would like to talk to you. Exciting new opportunities in Public Sector Debt Finance. Fringe benefits include excellent pension and expense account. Good pay (in currency of your choice) Contact: Guv, Bank Chambers, Threadneedle St.
 
Tuscan Villa: Fabulous rustic villa. 16th century. Excellent entertaining space and 8 bedrooms for you and your wife/secretary/mistress to entertain in style. Fabulous views and infinity pool. Complete with resident staff of 4 (illegals - no papers, no tax, no bother!!). Close to airport, meaning you can help save the environment by minimising your taxi journeys. Would suit British MP or Civil Servant wishing to rub shoulders with European Technocrats, Guardian Readers, and other socially concerned Euro-Ecophiles. Genuine reason for sale: current Euro MP owner is trading up to a seafront apartment in Monaco. Two million Euro. Contact: PO Box 1929 Brussels. 


    
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Small print:
Copyright April 2009 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
 
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Inband Ltd, London.
 
 
 
Disclaimer:
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.