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Adding Gentleness in 2013
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Gentleness Mood Lady |
At this time last year I wrote a newsletter about Small Shifts that can be Huge in different ways. If you missed it, view it here. This year I'm having all those same feelings a new year brings to me. It's that feeling of freshness and newness and possibility mixed with a feeling of wanting some time for things to settle. I'm sure this also relates to the fact that it's still winter and it's still time to sleep more and hibernate a bit, just as our bodies are telling us. Even though there is that undercurrent of dreams & visions and creating what we want for the year, it feels as if there is a huge need for us to put some foundation in place first. That way, we have a place where the dreams and visions and goals and outcomes that we want for 2013 can get their nourishment and grow.
One of the ways we can build this foundation is to give ourselves some Space or Stillness. With this stillness, we can get very clear about our priorities and what is most important to us in life. We can see if we are just wanting to talk about how important these things are or if we want to actually honor and live them - meaning that we want to take action. I discussed Space and all it gives us in my May 2012 newsletter which you can view here, if you'd like.
I've discovered another crucial element of the foundation. So this month I'd like to talk about something that I bring up quite regularly with clients (and everyone else in my life!) and that is Gentleness. Let's explore how THIS could possibly help us build a foundation for the year. You ready? Great, let's go!
So what was your reaction when you heard the word Gentleness? Did you think it sounded a little crazy? I mean what is Janette thinking, right? This is the beginning of the year, we need to set some goals, we need to get serious if we ever want to really make a change and that means we need to put some strict guidelines and rules in place and get going! Right? Is that what you were thinking, maybe? Or something along those lines? Or maybe, 'Ok, well gentleness is all well and good, but I don't know what that has to do with a foundation for the year."
Alrighty then, let me explain a bit. And to help me do that, I'd like to break this down into two main parts. These are two ways that the Gentle approach can be an excellent choice to bring with you into the New Year.
The voice: One of my favorite examples of the Gentle approach is THE voice. Who and what is THE voice, I hear you asking, and how long have you been hearing it, Janette? Well, I started hearing mine about 6 years back. It happened suddenly. I was thinking about something having to do with work that hadn't gone the way I had hoped. And then I heard it. It said something like 'that was so stupid. Why did you DO that? You know better. You knew it would turn out that way and you did it anyway....'. And it wasn't really the words (although they weren't that nice either), it was the way they sounded. The energy behind them was mean, judgmental, harsh, accusing, angry. When I heard it, I stopped in my tracks. I re-played it and listened. When I did this, I was able to step outside of myself and observe. As I listened, I felt my body tense up. I felt the energy leave my body - a feeling i recognized and knew well.
Suddenly, it was clear. I felt all the judgment and criticism that voice had been delivering to me pretty much daily. It filled me with SO much compassion for myself. I would NEVER use that voice for anyone else. Because no matter what someone did, I always knew they were doing the best they could with what they had. So why didn't I use that reasoning for myself? In that moment, I decided that I would never use that voice again - ever.
I know sometimes we think we need to push ourselves (more on this below), but even If you think this, would you rather listen to a harsh, critical voice pushing you or a gentle, compassionate one all year long? Who do you think you will listen to longer? Think about the way you would talk to a dear friend or a child. What voice would you use when you were wanting to inspire them and encourage them - to get them not to give up, to believe in themselves? Is this the voice you use for yourself? I invite you to be curious about this. What voice do you use and what voice do you want to use for yourself this year?
Stop pushing & tune in: So usually when there is a goal we want to achieve, there can be a lot of pushing to get us there. We decide what we want and we go, go, go and do, do, do in order to get it done. This works sometimes although the process is often not all that enjoyable. It's the whole 'no pain, no gain' approach - one that I'm not very fond of. I think most of the time we can gain with no pain if we make conscious choicse and we're aware of what we're doing every step of the way. This pushing approach also often includes a lot of black and white thinking. I need to do it THIS way or THAT way, with little or no wriggle room.
The problem with the pushing approach is that often we just blindly push through without enjoying the journey. We often don't check in with ourselves to see where we are, what we're doing and/or why. We don't give ourselves an opportunity to learn as we go. Instead, we have a goal, we push through until we are tired of pushing and then we stop, feeling disappointed and frustrated (often again and again) I invite you to consider another option and that is bringing the Gentleness in here too. The thing is, life is a lot greyer than the absolutes of having what we want or not. There is a whole journey to getting there that is usually more than half the fun if we let it be.
So what if you brought in some Gentleness to your goals, to your life, really? I know this might seem very foreign to many of you. I know this because of the response I almost always get when I say my favorite phrase, "Be gentle with yourself" to my clients. The response is almost without fail, "That's not something I'm used to doing when it comes to myself" or some version of that. "Yes", I say gently. "I understand. I invite you to give it a try and see what happens." So if this sounds as foreign to you as it does to my clients, all I ask is that you consider this alternative approach this year and maybe experiment with it a bit.
That's exactly what I did in the beginning. The first time someone said, "Be gentle" to me after hearing me beat myself up about something that I didn't do perfectly, I thought..."Gentle? With myself? Wow! What a concept!" I thought I needed to give myself tough love and push myself to keep going. It took awhile, but finally I started seeing what the gentleness gave me. The gentler I became, the more acceptance came. Things didn't feel as heavy or as serious. There was space to be curious, to be grateful for where I was instead of resisting and trying to be somewhere else. Working toward a goal was so much more enjoyable because I could enjoy the WHOLE process.
Again, a great way to play with this is to do the friend thing - so if this were my dear friend and she/he explained where she/he was right now, how would I react in a loving, gentle, compassionate way? Would I push or would I say, "Be gentle"? This gentleness with oneself is something that definitely takes practice and I'm still practicing. I'm grateful to have friends who recite my own words back to me, and sometimes they'll say "Be gentle". "Oh yeah", I think. "I don't need to push". Gentle doesn't mean I'll be lazy. It just means I need to breathe, it just means I deserve some self care (in words or deeds). It means I can look at the resistance if that's what I'm feeling and I can learn from it. It means maybe I need to make a shift - if this resistance persists. I know that this self care will help me work toward my goals with more energy and enjoyment.
So, back to you....what would it feel like to tune into what you truly needed along the way to achieving a goal? What would it be like to REALLY listen - to know that some days it was ok if you weren't 'perfect' in that new routine. I invite you to experiment with the gentle approach this month. What if you work toward your goals while you learn about yourself - asking questions along the way. "What do I most need right now" "If this were someone else I care about, how would I talk to them and what would I say?" are some useful questions. So take some time to think about what you really want this year. Give yourself some space, some stillness that will allow things to settle and set the foundation for what you want to create in the upcoming months. And see what role gentleness might play in this - you might be surprised by what you discover.
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