Speaking the truth in love
Honesty is the best policy. That it is.
There was a day where I might have thought that was the end of the matter, but reality is a bit more complex. "Is it ever appropriate to lie?" Let's begin by making sure we agree on the definition of "lie."
Lying is communicating with the intent to deceive. It isn't misspeaking ("It is raining" when the rain has stopped) nor is it always speaking what is false ("It is raining" is a lie if I believe that it is NOT raining and I intend to deceive you on this point; even if, in fact, it is raining. The fact that I spoke truth while intending to deceive still makes my statement a lie.)
With this in mind, let's look at five examples of real-world situations where people often pursue something less than honesty and consider our options.
#1: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
While some may say you should always speak unvarnished truth, there are few who would agree in this situation. We teach our children social conventions for a reason. Tactless honesty is not an absolute good. There are times where "I really like your blue dress" is preferable to a simple "Yes."
"If she didn't want to hear the truth, she shouldn't have asked." Perhaps, but since she did ask, you are not obligated to be unkind. You can speak the truth in love.
#2: "This is Stephen calling, may I speak with John?"
In the workplace, some shade the truth as a matter of habit, even when it is unnecessary and potentially counterproductive. For example, Stephen calls for you, your assistant places Stephen on hold, and asks if you'd like to speak with him. "Tell him I'm not in right now" or "Tell him I'm on the phone." Why lie about this?
This is easily resolved by training your assistant to respond with, "He's not available." The "to speak to you" is unspoken, but it is better than an outright lie - "He's not in" / "He's on the phone." But what if this person keeps calling? Then your assistant or you may have to tell this person you are not interested in what he is offering or in pursuing the connection he is offering to make. But lying in this instance simply tells your assistant that deception is used as a convenience and it will make her wonder when you are lying to her, as well as encouraging her to engage in her own convenient deceptions.
Your culture is no longer loving, but based on personal convenience.
#3: "Are you available to meet tomorrow at 9 AM?"
I learned a long time ago to include personal commitments on my calendar, not only to make scheduling clearer, but also so that I may say with sincerity, "I have an appointment at that time. Is there another time later that day that works for you?" Appointments can be personal and still be appointments.
If you don't have an appointment, you can simply say, "I prefer to meet at 3 PM, Thursday. Does that work for you?" No need to lie, but you are presented with an opportunity to treat the other with respect and love. [Click here to read my newsletter on "Love in the workplace."]
#4: "Is it true that you are planning to lay off 5% of the workforce?"
Increasingly complex are the situations where you are asked point-blank about something where you are faced with an inappropriate audience, inappropriate timing, or both. There are ways to speak truth without being direct, but sometimes these indirect comments are parsed by your listeners as though you had said something direct. "I can't comment on that right now" becomes in the minds of your listeners, "Yep, that's exactly what we're going to do, but I can't tell you that at this point."
Having underlings run interference with an inappropriate audience or in an instance of inappropriate timing may simply result in you lying by proxy. With some occupations, coaches and politicians come to mind, there is an expectation that much of what is shared with the media is a highly sanitized version of the truth, if it is truth at all.
"Is it true that you are planning to lay off 5% of the workforce?" There are a number of ways to attack this statement. "Me, personally, absolutely not. I can't speak for the board, however." "5%, no, it's more like 7%." These are things you may think and then encapsulate as, "No, I can assure you that I am not planning to lay off 5% of the workforce." Of course, there's likely to be an intelligent person in the audience who recognizes the wiggle room in that question and so asks, "Within the next twelve months will people within this organization be laid off?"
Time for a difficult truth. "You know that leadership is committed to the continuing success of this organization and quality service to our customers. With that in mind we are weighing our options to accomplish those goals within the context of difficult economic challenges. Layoffs are just one approach that may have to be pursued and only among our last resorts. I'm sure you would appreciate a more definitive answer, as would I in your position, but this is the best that I can offer to you today." This has a chance within a culture of trust, but in a culture troubled by cynicism you might as well have said, "I can't comment on that right now."
Speaking the truth in love - with the best interests of others in mind - may be difficult but preferable as an expression of your character and in contributing to the culture you are attempting to foster. It has a cumulative effect that actually makes it easier to speak difficult truths when necessary.
#5: "Are you hiding a Jewish family in your attic?"
This was often used as a moral dilemma in ethics courses. But there really isn't a dilemma. If I have chosen to hide a Jewish family in my attic against the clear directives of the Nazi regime, then I have already chosen to deceive, to lie. So when you happen to show up at my door and ask a direct question, it's not as though I think, "Dang, now that you've asked I have to tell you the truth." No, you've forfeited your right to truth because you have made it clear that you plan to use truth for evil. I am no longer under a moral obligation to speak truth to you. If I believe otherwise, then I should not be hiding Jews to begin with.
Again, it is about speaking the truth with love - in this case, emphasizing love for the people I've chosen to risk my life to preserve.
The Bottom Line
Honesty is the best policy. Perhaps. Consider whether you are acting with love for others and then speak without intending to deceive. That's effective communication from a leader people love to follow.
