An engineer walking to work at a downtown Chicago firm was kidnapped by a knife-wielding gang member yesterday and given a strange ultimatum.  He was ordered to follow the perpetrator to a town hall meeting and give a presentation.  The engineer, a life-long sufferer of glossophobia, pleaded for his life, but the young punk was unyielding.  Facing the ultimate decision in life, the engineer refused the request, and was stabbed seven times and left for dead in a Southside alley.  A rival gang discovered his body and turned it over to an apparent homeless man walking by, who happened to be an undercover police officer.  Upon arrival of the medical staff by ambulance, the 47-year-old man was declared dead, but snapped awake when the attending physician declared, "Well, we can leave now."  The victim is expected to make a full recovery, and was offered a free public speaking workshop by renowned firm MillsWyck Communications to prevent this from ever happening again.

Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that the average human does not listen to the spoken word of presenters and instead relies on the clues from the body language and tone of the presenter to garner information.  In a preliminary study at the School for the Deaf in Fresno, CA, it was discovered that 93% of all information came from what the listener observed in the speaker.  The scientists believe this is applies to all human communication, and that in a generation's time, humans will not need to speak at all in order to be understood.

Researchers at Duke University announced this week that they have developed a pill that eliminates filler words from a presenter's speech.  The pill, developed in conjunction with social and communication experts at the school, numbs the vocal cords and causes the uvula to wobble at a frequency that counteracts the sound of words like "um" and "uh".  Preliminary studies have shown that the average patient reduces his non-words from the standard 11.9 to only 2.9 non-words per minute.  The pill - to be marketed under the trade name "Umuless" - will be especially well received by salespersons, politicians, and husbands whose wives ask them if their dress makes them look fat.