American-born Buddhist nun Pema Chodron observes an intriguing contrast between cultures. Whereas Eastern cultures readily agree with the Buddha that all sentient desire happiness, those of us from the West often push back. We have learned from an early age that "self-centered" is bad. (And what is more self-centered, we think, than the desire to be personally happy?) Our collective response implies that we see happiness as a zero-sum game. If we seek more for ourselves, others will get less. Only with time have I come to see that happiness, like love, is not used up but expands when each of us partakes.
We often hear reference to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. According to that model, only when physical survival has been secured do humans pursue the higher values of interpersonal connection, virtue, and meaning in life. Likewise, only when the elements of day-to-day happiness are secure do we notice, empathize with, and respond to the needs of others. Paying attention to our own needs sows the seeds for generosity and service. How does this work? I see it all too clearly in myself.
When I hurt, all I can think about is me. I have noticed this tendency most acutely on the physical level. When I have the flu, am bound a cast, or have a case of poison ivy, I feel trapped by my own experience. The discomfort can be all-consuming. Similar dynamics occur when I descend into the blues or fire up with anxiety. My focus shifts inward and stays there. I curl up in a ball and suck my thumb until the worst has passed.
On the other hand, the fetal position gets old too. After a few days (weeks or months) of self-absorption, I feel the urge to open out and embrace others. Although it might be difficult while troublesome conditions are still active, loving and giving usually help shift my attention away from personal demons. As I feel healthier and more energetic, I have more compassion to share. My capacity for listening grows. I am strong enough to move my own pain to the background.
Sometimes I lean on others to help me regain happiness and peace of mind. Sometimes I reflect in solitude, bringing thoughts and emotions into perspective before re-connecting with community. Often it works best to restore my own balance by supporting others in times of need. Happiness involves both alone and together, while the details change.
