Last week we explored the topic of happiness and its relationship with established pathways in the brain. Those pathways trace the inherited habits of thought that come with birth and are strengthened, weakened, or changed by subsequent experience (including the choices we make every day). Thought habits give rise to emotional habits, and those in turn often trigger actions that we repeat without a much reflection or conscious intent.
The mechanism of thoughts driving habits is sometimes described as "self-talk." We talk to ourselves all the time. We talk about ourselves, our loved and unloved ones, about the weather, the news, and the way things ought to be. While self-talk can be either positive or negative, negative talk tends to get our attention because it echoes the negativity bias of the brain (see July 31, Unhappy Brain).
- I just can't get a handle on binge eating at potlucks.
- He never listens unless I raise my voice.
- I hate going to the gym.
- She doesn't approve of anything I do.
- Gray winter weather depresses me.
- I am such a baby, the slightest setback derails my efforts.
Negative self-talk takes a negative experience, adds an "always" or "never," and repeats itself over and again. By the time we have said "I always binge at potlucks" a thousand times, what are the chances of making a fresh start with the next buffet?
"I hate going to the gym" fires up the engines of resistance, kicks the energy out of resolve, and prevents our taking the action we have said we want to take.
"She doesn't approve of anything I do" increases the likelihood that her next comment will be interpreted as criticism and that our response will be defensive, truncating the possibility of a warm and loving exchange. We go into every encounter prepared to protect ourselves from the expected attack.
And so forth.
With months, years, or a lifetime of repetition, we no longer see our self-talk for what it is-the imperfect and subjective interpretation of events in our lives. We believe that what we hear ourselves say is absolutely true. We struggle to step back and gain the perspective of a more enlightened view. The ability to do so, however, is a key to converting negative thoughts and feelings into happier ones.
Mindfulness is the first step in disarming negative self-talk. Once we hear ourselves and see how destructive our statements can be, they lose some power. Another step is to call the statement into question. Very few "always" or "never" statements are accurate. Qualify the statement, interpret the other person's behavior in a more compassionate light, and judge your own tendencies more lightly. Re-phrase the self-talk to show your deeper understanding. Repeat. Neurons that I wire together now will more likely fire together the next time.
