Author Deborah Tannen writes that women are socialized from an early age to engage one another in "trouble talk." In You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, she points to studies that show little girls initiating conversation by sharing something that is going wrong. Tannen also draws examples from adult life that reflect my own experience. It appears that we offer discouraging words to make a vulnerable first impression, reducing the perception of threat, building trust, and opening doors to deeper sharing. I can see how trouble talk helps when women are bonding with one another.
On the other hand, my training as a life coach causes me to question that habit and to recognize that it has a down-side as well. In coaching conversations, we are encouraged to begin with a focus on the positive: "What has gone well for you this week?" "What are some highlights from the past month?" We are taught that the brain has different compartments that process different kinds of information. Telling a negative story triggers the fearful, reactive zone of the brain. Recalling positive memories opens the creative, adaptive, optimistic zone.
I see the value of both types of communication, whether in conversation with women or with men. I also believe there is value in paying close attention, engaging in trouble talk with awareness of its pros and cons. Revealing one's vulnerability can reduce competitive dynamics that may arise when only good news is shared. It is, however, easy to go overboard. For example, I sometimes feel myself using a sad story to claim more than my share of the "air time" in a conversation. That pattern rarely leads to a satisfying outcome, as I usually prefer an exchange in which both parties balance sharing, inquiring about, listening, and responding to one another.
I also find that sharing difficult experiences with an insightful and empathetic friend can help me work through problems and come up with new approaches. Sometimes the other person has similar experiences and lessons learned; or their questions help me think about my own challenges in a different way. On the other hand, it is easy to get carried away. The longer and deeper a bout of trouble talk goes, the more painful and intractable my challenges may seem. If I am headed that way, I do better to switch channels and take my turn as the interested and supportive listener.
I have the luxury of many friendships in which candid sharing comes easily, trust is well established, and a compassionate response is assured. I want to honor those friendships by carefully monitoring my own habits of trouble talk and making the effort to share stories from tough times for the right reasons, with a constructive tone, and in moderation. I also want to balance my desire for another's ear against the willingness to listen and respond to them when the need is on the other foot.
What role does the darker side of life play in your conversations? What response are you looking for? How are you prepared to respond when the other person is struggling and in need of your support?
