I have a goal.  Sometimes it seems unattainable, but it's out there guiding my path however long it takes.  I want to develop the capacity for unconditional happiness, unconditional love, unconditional peace of mind.  I want to see the emotional sun and celebrate the gift of life whether I am alone or in love, successful or not, in comfort or in pain. 

When I feel the emotions that I describe as stressful, I often find an underlying dynamic:  I want things to be different.  I do not like the way they are and refuse to be happy, to love, or to relax until they change. Stress of that type has its own distinctive vocabulary.  As I work slowly toward more unconditional living, I watch for key phrases and practice replacing them. 

"I need" is the hardest one to neutralize.  What a setup!  The minute I allow myself to go there, I have written the prescription for failure.  Yes, I do need oxygen, water, and a modest amount of food.  No question about that.  But beyond that, do I really need approval, acceptance, appreciation expressed in just the right way?  Do I need my uncomfortable symptoms and unpredictable moods to go away?  Do I need eight hours of sleep?  Time alone?  A meaningful job with a kind and competent supervisor?  A massage? 

Yes, I readily admit that I would appreciate those luxuries and that a smile comes more readily when they are abundant than when not.  I prefer sunny weather to lead-gray clouds.  I feel more alert when I have enough sleep.  I enjoy the warm fuzziness when someone is happy to see me (even the cat)!  I am stimulated by a good read, soothed by beautiful music, and refreshed by solitude.  But to translate any of those "likes" into "needs" sets the stage for chronic disappointment.

Other tricky phrases include:  "I deserve." "I refuse."  "I expect."  "I hate." "I can't." The energy behind these phrases has its own toxic flavor.  It helps when I notice them and consciously soften their tone.  "I'd like." "I hope." I'd rather not." "I intend to." "I wish."  "It would be nice."

Words matter.  Thoughts matter.  Unrealistic thoughts and inner voices of entitlement to conditions we can't control set us up for disillusionment.  They undermine the possibility of our being content with things just the way they are.
 

Do you recognize the tendency to set stringent conditions for your own happiness?  Are you stressed when your wishes don't come true?  Have you tried to loosen your grasp?