As a former federal agency manager, I retired with a well-worn copy of William Bridges' Managing Transitions on the shelf. I first read that book when we were consolidating national forests in the 1990s. I applied its principles when we changed computer systems, then again when outsourcing and centralized administrative services appeared a decade later. I recently took it out when a nurse friend asked for help with her work group's shift to electronic patient records.
Bridges' work stands the test of time because he taps into simple truths. When change occurs, we humans go through predictable transitional steps. He calls them: 1) endings, 2) the neutral zone, and 3) beginnings. The stages are equally relevant to individuals and organizations, so I am using them as a framework for exploring stressful changes in our lives.
We want so badly to rush the process, hoping to outrun the pain. It doesn't work that way. Pain has a way of finding us later if we don't give the experience of loss its due when the time is ripe. So, whether it is divorce or death; promotion, layoff, or retirement; our own scary diagnosis, or that of a loved one; it is helpful to admit what we are losing. It is helpful to feel the pain and offer ourselves the compassion that we would feel for someone else. It is helpful to honor the past while letting it go. It is helpful to take along a memento or touchstone of things we loved about the way things used to be.
The losses are sometimes obvious: retirement may mean that spending habits need to change. It may also leave unfamiliar white space on our calendars, gaps in our social lives, and a loss of the identity that came with our work.
The empty nest is quiet and can be lonely. It may call for building new activities and social networks to replace those that centered on our children and their friends. Like retirement, it entails changing roles and affects our sense of being needed.
The loss of a parent to death or dementia means losing the experience of being a child: uniquely treasured, cared for, and understood. Treasured family memories may no longer bring the usual spark of recognition and joy.
The new health issue may derail our favorite activities and change the way we spend time with loved ones. Dietary restrictions can also represent major changes in our social lives. New technology can invalidate competencies of which we are proud and send us to the bottom of the learning curve.
Each of these, and more, are examples of loss in times of change. Bridges counsels us not to gloss over loss in the effort to be positive. Facing it honestly and letting go consciously lay the the groundwork for something new.
