We had decided not to have children. After five years of marriage, we were no closer to feeling ready for that major step. At year seven we went our separate ways, and were relieved that we would absorb the impact of divorce without worrying about its effect on impressionable offspring.
Moving on, I figured that was that. I was aging and the maternal urge had not surfaced, even with an impatient biological clock ticking in the background. I was not in a hurry to find another relationship. Life on my own was simpler, and I had a lot to figure out. However, a friend gave me a poster with a powerful message, "Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans." Life happened when Lyle and I met and started hiking together on our days off. The bond gradually deepened and turned into commitment. His ease with children made it clear that he was designed to be a dad. My resistance weakened, and Jonathan expanded the family. We celebrated his thirtieth birthday this week.
As I look back over the experiences that led for more than a decade from "no" to "yes," I am impressed with the miracle involved. I never did get the full dose of maternal instinct (though the first few days after giving birth were pretty darned amazing on the joyful scale). Jonathan still remembers my telling him that motherhood was not a career for me, but a hobby. He still seems to think that is a good thing (and my message in saying so was intended to be positive). In large part because Lyle chose to be an at-home dad, I had the luxury of "quality" mom time and could rely on him for the day-to-day routine that I could not envision for myself.
Just as Jonathan remembers my "hobby-mom" comment, I remember him as a 10-year-old saying, "You are a fun parent, but life is more relaxing with Dad." I had just returned from several months of working in another state, and the guys had been enjoying bachelor life in my absence. For some reason, that comment didn't bother me. It seemed accurate, and I was happy to be labeled a "fun parent."
So here we are, 30 years later. I am writing this as the fun hobby-mom of a fine young man. Maybe because of our non-traditional family roles (or perhaps in spite of them) I have felt only increasing joy with Jonathan's increasing autonomy. His marriage and career have in some ways increased the distance between us, but they are also part of a closer bond. I love passing the generational baton to him and his peers. I give thanks for his energy, as mine gradually ebbs. I learn from his learning, and celebrate his growth, and am pleased that he shares them with me, adult-to-adult. I am blessed that Lyle, with his deep-seated paternal instincts, came into my life when he did and drew me into a role I didn't think I wanted to play.
Where in the stages of parent-child evolution do you find yourself these days? Where do you experience the most joy and where do you face the greatest challenge?
