"Why aren't you at work?"  "I am at work."  "Ohhh...."   This succinct dialogue between my friend and her partner took place a few months ago.  He had forgotten, however briefly, that she had retired the day before and was at home working on her novel.  This was the new normal, and he would get used to it eventually.

Variations on this scene play out hundreds of times a day as the newly retired show up unexpectedly in a strange and different place: their own home.  In many families, one member of the couple retired first...or served as the home-maker...or developed a home-based business.  One member has gotten used to having their own time and space to spare.  The other has been looking forward fondly to the ideal of a home-based life.  After years of commuting and working in a cubicle or factory or classroom, the idea of home is warm and fuzzy with appeal. 

The reality may produce a tangle of mismatched expectations, communication breakdowns, and even some resentment until new patterns form.  Those who anticipate and prepare for the change may have an edge over those who don't, but very few couples make the transition without a bump or two.

How do I use my time?  And in which rooms?  When? How much and what kind of noise do you make?  Do I clean up after myself?  Do you?  Do you sleep in? Get dressed right away?  Do I close the door to work on a project?  Do you feel rejected?  Does my nap look lazy? Are you eating again?  Surfing?  Watching soaps?  Why didn't you tell me where you were going?  I was worried.  Stop treating me like a child!

I thought we knew each another well after 30 years, but the dance of retirement required a whole new set of moves for Lyle and me.  It felt awkward to negotiate trivia like newlyweds.  In a sense, however, we were building a brand new version of wedded bliss, from scratch.

We trip over one another much less often after five years of practice.  We have woven together two very different patterns of sleeping and waking, working and playing, eating and exercise, coming and going, into a mostly harmonious whole.  We schedule time together, but also respect the need for independence and time alone, especially now that we live full-time under a single roof. 

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Is sharing time and space a retirement challenge for you?  What new patterns have you tried for gracefully re-designing your relationship to fit the new pattern?