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This week, we continue to pick though the wealth of insights and practical advice in Linda Graham's book, Bouncing Back. Graham outlines "five c's" for dealing with difficult events and experiences: calm, clarity, connection, competence, and courage. Last week, in exploring the value of empathy in building resilience, we focused on connection. This week I would like to explore the importance of calm.
We know that the perception of threat triggers a flood of adrenaline and the resulting impulses to fight, flee, or freeze. Those reactions are immediate; they arise from a primitive part of the brain that is wired to survive, NOW! The same reactions do not necessarily help us cope with difficult relationships, complex technology, economic distress, or similar challenges of human life in the 21st century. Nevertheless, our initial response to a boss who criticizes, the computer that freezes, or stocks that plummet may well be to run away, fight back, or stand stock-still in wide-eyed alarm.
Psychologist Dan Siegel coined the phrase "window of tolerance" to describe the zone between emotional extremes in which our brain copes best with complex problems. Linda Graham suggests a number of practices that can help us shift from panic mode into productive problem-solving.
First on the list is Buddhist equanimity meditation. In an equanimity session, the meditator steps back from the trigger that disrupted her peace of mind. She observes both the event and her response as if she were a third party, without getting sucked into the drama: I lost my wallet. I am scared witless by the implications. Panic isn't helping. It is what it is. What steps can I take forward from here?
Meditation gradually develops our capacity for calm by training the mind to step back from emotion. Other techniques can help us "in the moment" to transition from alarmed to alert. Our nervous systems include branches that stimulate and those that calm; those that release stress chemicals and those that neutralize those chemicals. The latter are activated by slow, regular breathing; comforting touch; soothing music; moderate-intensity exercise; and the beauty of nature. A walk around the block can make a huge difference; doing so hand-in-hand with a loved one is even better.
When I feel unsettled by every-day stress, I sit in my recliner with its great view of the mountains, and breathe. Sometimes I add Native American flute music to the background. I calm the racing, problem-solving brain and try to view the moment's challenge from arm's length. Sometimes I fall asleep during the exercise, and wake up fifteen minutes later with renewed energy and insight.
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What is your experience with restoring perspective? How do you calm down and take another look before the adrenaline kicks in?
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