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Last month, I mentioned a great new book I found: Bouncing Back, by Linda Graham. Graham draws on the increasing body of research and that explores the interplay of neurological science, relational psychology, and meditative practice. She does so in the service of helping us understand and improve our responses to setbacks. I want to explore some of her insightful messages in coming weeks.
Graham sees a central role for empathy in dealing with change. I did not see the connection at first, so I read on. It turns out that empathy at the neurological level has a powerful influence on our response to challenge. It does so through the activity of mirror neurons, which enable us to resonate with the full range of mental and emotional states we encounter in others. We are generally aware that empathy identifies with another's suffering and responds with kindness. It is also true, however, that empathy identifies with another's competence and responds with confidence.
If I am going through divorce, I can learn through empathy with a friend who has completed the process successfully. Not only can I pick up practical tips, but I can also replicate her emotional tone. I can resonate with her peace of mind and make it my own. In contrast, a friend who lost a loved one to cancer might respond with terror when I share my own diagnosis. When my mirror neurons pick up her message, I internalize her hopelessness and my capacity to move forward with strength and optimism is compromised.
Understanding the empathic impact we have on one another can help us both to overcome our own setbacks and to respond appropriately when others face hard times. When I am struggling, I can seek out people who convey upbeat attitudes, success stories, and confidence in my ability to work things through. When I want to support someone else, I can draw from my understanding of empathy to shape my response to their need. While I acknowledge their pain, I don't want to add my own baggage or convey my feeling that their dilemma is hopeless. I want to provide a strong shoulder that they can first cry on, then lean on as they stand tall and move ahead to deal courageously with their lives.
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Can you remember when a friend responded to your problem with positive empathy? How did it feel to gain strength from her confidence in you and faith in the outcome?
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